This is our fault. We did this to ourselves. At some point we’re going to have to take responsibility for ourselves as a country and accept the premise that it is, in fact, a shit hole ruled by oligarchs, grifters, charlatans, and DJs with Marshmello heads, and hopefully, commit to making the changes necessary to rectify that. Otherwise, all is lost. Even if Forbes’ Celebrity 100: The World’s Highest Paid Celebrities list is a dubious distinction, we have to admit that even if their formula is about as scientifically sound as the teachings of Dianetics, it does say a lot about what we value as a culture. And right now it’s saying we value Kylie Jenner the most. She earned $560 million. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but 2020 will do strange things to a person—Taylor Swift was ROBBED! Last year’s #1 dropped to #25 ($63.5M) and Kanye West scooted into Kylie’s former #2 slot with $170M.
As you sit there preparing to tuck into a can of beans you heated up over a flaming barrel fire fueled with the last stick of a broken down dining room chair and a volume of out-of-date encyclopedias, try to remember— things could be worse. At least you have beans. Just not as many beans as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has. He earned $87.5 million dollars this year making him the highest-paid actor of 2020 according to Forbes.
The “Hate Crimes” Section Of Mark Wahlberg’s Wikipedia Page Mysteriously Changed After He Got Dragged For A Black Lives Matter Post
In case you were wondering, Mark Whalberg is just as committed to solving racial injustice as many of your favorite corporations are. We know this because he’s spent his entire career proving it time and time again by being in Three Kings with Ice Cube that one time. And also because he tweeted a picture of George Floyd last week and said he was gonna pray on it or some shit. Somehow, people were unmoved by his brave declaration that “we must all work together to fix this problem. God Bless,” and instead of working together to figure out what Mark meant by “this problem,” have instead tried to divide us further by reminding him of his checkered past. And by “checkered past” I mean his well-documented history of throwing rocks and the N-word at Black children, and his 1988 racially motivated felony assault conviction, which until last week, you could read all about on his Wikipedia page under the heading “hate crimes.” But now that section just reads “racial incidents,” the “checkered past” for nominally committed allies!
Most people expect to see Michelle Williams exclusively in Oscar bait that leaves you feeling like an emotional freight train hit you. After showing up with Amy Schumer in I Feel Pretty and now with MySpace’s favorite alum Tom Hardy in the comic book genre Venom, some, like me, wondered what she’s doing. While she initially blabbed on about how Tom was really a selling point in signing on, she gave us a huge dose of honesty by saying it sometimes just all comes down to how much she’s getting paid.
Ever wonder why Mark Whalberg turned into an uptight spoiled sport who hates fun or why his face is the way it is? Well, you try waking up at 2:30 AM to hit the gym while subsisting on three grapes and sidewalk chalk flavored protein shakes and see how ebullient you feel! According to Page Six, Mahky Mahk answered his fans burning questions about his physique on Instagram, and surprisingly, they weren’t all about his alleged involvement in a steroids ring.
Up until yesterday if you went to the definition of “vengeance” on Merriam-Webster.com, you’d find this looking at you:
: punishment inflicted in retaliation for an injury or offense : retribution
If you went there today, you’d find this:
A movie with an all-Asian cast easily beating a shit movie starring a dried-up butt plug dingle who once half-blinded an Asian man in a violent racist attack.
Because Crazy Rich Asians is the current reigning head bitch of the domestic box office after bringing in a little over $25 million this weekend. It’s brought in a total of around $34 million since opening last Wednesday. CRA had a production cost of $30 million. It’s the first all-Asian major Hollywood movie to come out since the Joy Luck Club twenty five damn years ago. The sweetened cherry is that CRA whooped the cold shit out of Marky Mark’s Mile 22, which stank up the box office with the smell of turd by making only $13.6 million. Marky Mark pouting and getting mad in the face over a bunch of Asians checking him at the box office is my idea of beautiful visual poetry. Although, Mile 22 also stars Indonesian action star Iko Uwais, so Marky is probably thinking, “See, I try to make g’ud with yooze people by putting one of you yooze in my movie and this is what happens!”