Caitlyn Jenner tried to warn us, but did we listen? No, we did not. And now the Great State of California is losing one of its buffest assets. Mark Wahlberg has joined the scores of economic refugees before him who’ve fled the state in their private jets in search of greener pastures. Page Six reports that the former Funky Bunch frontman has packed up his fleet of luxury jalopies and moved to income-tax-free Nevada in search of a better life for his children. Not sure if he stacked the contents of his $90 million LA mansion into his $2 million fleet vertically like the Joads in The Grapes of Wrath, which is traditional for salt of the earth types such as himself, or if he made his wife and children travel by foot while he flew ahead to scout out the tax credit he’s hoping to use to build a “state-of-the-art studio,” shoe factory and a separate factory for his apparel company. I’m going to guess the kids went on foot because why else would he need so many shoes in the promised land now that his days of boiling them for sustenance are over?
Pour one out for J.K. Rowling, whose cup used to runneth over with cash, but now merely dribbles over with cash in slightly smaller denominations. Variety reports that Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore, the third film in the FB franchise, has opened to the lowest box office debut of any Harry Potter related movie to date. And by “pour one out” I mean, empty the rest of whatever swill you were drinking before cause we’re popping bubblies! Because even if J.K. is just $1 poorer for it, haha, serves her right. We may not be able to “cancel” her, in the modern sense of the word, but at least we can act a little smug about the fact that FB3 only made “a muted $43 million” in its domestic box office debut, down from $74M and $62M made by its 2 predecessors. At this rate, by the time Fantastic Beasts 8: The Menstruating Machlyes comes out, she’s going to be so poor she can’t even afford free speech!
That picture of Mark Wahlberg above looks a little different from his underwear-modeling days, and that would be because Marky Mark had been funky bunching up on calories to prepare for his role in the upcoming biopic Father Stu. Mark previously revealed that he was downing 7,000 to 11,000 calories a day in preparation to bring the titular Father Stuart Long to life because clearly Father Stu wasn’t aggressively shredded at all times like Mark is in real life. Now we’re learning the secrets to Mark’s success. Apparently, it’s chugging olive oil by the glass full.
Mark Wahlberg has always been shredded since the 90s when he
beat up minorities grabbed his junk and turned the men’s underwear section even gayer than it had been. To now, when he’s all over Instagram shilling workouts and diets and protein powders and shit. But between all the fitness and muscles, he’s also still an actor, I guess? But you watch Transformers: The Last Knight and you get back to me about your opinion on that. Yahoo! says that for his latest role, Mark found himself eating over 11,000 calories a day in an effort to put on weight for a movie about a boxer who turns into a priest.
We already know from the detailed daily schedule he shared with us a couple of years ago that despite being incredibly rich and famous, Mark Wahlberg lives a miserable existence. Maybe that’s karma. Mark may have had his “Hate Crimes” stripped from his Wikipedia page, but the universe never forgets. Even when he’s doing something that sounds awesome on the surface, like needing to gain weight for a movie role by eating pork chops and bacon, the universe plotted to make it as painful and joyless as possible. According to Page Six, Mahky Mahk has been on a 7,000 calorie a day diet in an effort to gain 30 pounds for the movie Stu which requires him to wake up at 3:00 AM to eat eggs before working out. Universe, I see you, you sly minx. Good job!
This is our fault. We did this to ourselves. At some point we’re going to have to take responsibility for ourselves as a country and accept the premise that it is, in fact, a shit hole ruled by oligarchs, grifters, charlatans, and DJs with Marshmello heads, and hopefully, commit to making the changes necessary to rectify that. Otherwise, all is lost. Even if Forbes’ Celebrity 100: The World’s Highest Paid Celebrities list is a dubious distinction, we have to admit that even if their formula is about as scientifically sound as the teachings of Dianetics, it does say a lot about what we value as a culture. And right now it’s saying we value Kylie Jenner the most. She earned $560 million. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but 2020 will do strange things to a person—Taylor Swift was ROBBED! Last year’s #1 dropped to #25 ($63.5M) and Kanye West scooted into Kylie’s former #2 slot with $170M.