Category: Well Well Well
Princess Anne Wishes That Younger Royals Would Go Back To Basics
“Well, she’s obviously talking about us since William and Kate never left BASIC,” said a catty Prince Hot Ginge before throwing his copy of Vanity Fair onto a lounger and snapping at his Los Angeles pool boy to slather more SPF Infinity & Beyond onto his freckled bottom crumpets. Listen, during these times, just let me have my PHG/pool boy fantasy.
Vanity Fair’s May cover story is devoted entirely to THE QUEEN’s only daughter Princess Anne, and even though there’s a lot of messiness going on in the royal family right now (PHG and Meghan Markle leaving, Prince Andrew being a part-time resident of Pedophile Island, etc…), Princess Anne didn’t get into anything like that and her profile doesn’t really deliver anything new. But she did throw a look of disagreement at the young tricks of the royal family for trying to be *~diFferEnt~* instead of just shutting up and cutting that damn ribbon at a hospital wing opening.
Prince Charles Has Reportedly Opened His Wallet To Help Prince Hot Ginge And Meghan Markle With Their Security Costs
Today is April Fools’ Day, which means it’s the day that Prince Hot Ginge and a pantyhose-covered Duchess Meghan skipped into THE QUEEN’S throne room and declared, “April Fools’, bitch!”, before clocking back into their job as senior royals since it was all just an extra long joke. And then THE QUEEN woke up and realized that PHG and Meghan leaving wasn’t a nightmare and her biggest crowd-getters are really gone. And then she slapped Prince Philip with her pocketbook for poking at her with his rusty crotch scepter. Yes, THE QUEEN sleeps with her pocketbook.
But seriously, today is PHG and Meghan’s Independence From The Royals Day, and they’re celebrating while self-isolating in a Los Angeles compound, as security watches for a crazed skinny fat blogger trying to get onto the property by wearing a shrub disguise (I’ll show them because I’ll sneak in by hiding in a Lululemon box since you know Meghan gets that shit delivered every other day). And that security isn’t being provided by the U.S. government. Their security is privately funded and that reportedly includes money from Prince Daddy Charles.
Sorry, Duchess Meghan And Prince Hot Ginge, But Only FMs (Future Monarchs) Will Make An Appearance During THE QUEEN’s Speech
It was reported that THE QUEEN had a fucking time writing her annual Christmas Day speech, and not only just because she had one too many breakfast gins and Prince Philip kept saying to her, “Pull my finger, love!”, as his day nurse stood by with a clean pair of bloomers because the nurse knows that “pull my finger” usually leads to some sticky toffee pudding in the prince’s chonies royale. But THE QUEEN apparently had some issues with her annual speech because of three little things called “her grandsons scrappin‘,” “her ginger grandson and granddaughter-in-law BRINGING DOWN THE MONARCHY with their rebel ways,” and “everyone finding out that her youngest son is probably perv trash and is really bad at lying.” I mean, isn’t the royal family supposed to be masters at lie-telling and fooling the public? And Prince Andrew is embarrassing his family by being bad at it. For shame!
The Queen’s Speech (2019) doesn’t hit screens until Christmas Day, but because everything needs a trailer nowadays, the Palace has put out a teaser including a piece of what she says and a shot of her sitting next to frames that don’t have pictures of Prince Hot Ginge or Duchess Meghan in them. So is this THE QUEEN’s shady way of letting us know that those two ain’t shit to her since they’re eating moose poutine in Canada for Christmas instead of spending it with her? Or is there another totally different reason for why she didn’t include them. SPOILER ALERT: It’s the second one.
Sophia Hutchins Is Not Caitlyn Jenner’s Girlfriend, So Says Sophia Hutchins
I always thought that Sophia Hutchins had a giant suction cup surgically installed onto her hip, because she always seems stuck to her girlfriend Caitlyn Jenner’s side, and the two are about as inseparable as the Kartrashian-Jenners and botulism. But 23-year-old Sophia has corrected us and wants us to know that 70-year-old Caitlyn Jenner is not the trans woman version of Peter Cook because she’s not fucking a piece decades younger than her. Well, at least Caitlyn’s not fucking a piece who is decades younger than her and also named Sophia Hutchins.
Gwen Stefani Still Won’t Marry Blake Shelton Until Her First Marriage Is Annulled
My teen self denounced Gwen Stefani as the +~*cOOleST gUuuurrrlL*~+ in the world when she got with the humanization of TruckNutz™ that is Blake Shelton in what I’m still telling myself is a long, long, long con to continue to promote The Voice. Gwen and Blake have been together for over four years, and there’s been wedding rumors ever since. But Gwen still hasn’t walked down an aisle of moose carcasses (hunted by Blake) while wearing a camo dress as he waits for her in a three-piece lumberjack plaid suit under an altar of rifle bullets. And once again, we’re hearing that Gwen and Blake haven’t gotten married because she’s really Catholic and won’t get married until her marriage to Gavin Rossdale is annulled by the church. Uh huh, “really Catholic“? If strict Catholic abuelitas, like my abuelita, ran the church, Gwen wouldn’t have to worry about getting her marriage annulled, because they’d kick out her grande mujerzuela ass for being a sinful hussy slut floozy who shacked up with a man she didn’t marry in the eyes of God!
The Duggar’s Lair Was Raided By Homeland Security… But They Deny It
Many have a microwave bag of popcorn in their kitchen cabinet marked “Reserved For The Fall Of The Duggars,” and well, you may soon be able to pull that out, pop it, season it with some holy water and frankincense, and toss satisfying kernel after satisfying kernel into your mouth while watching the Duggars get theirs. Because there’s several reports claiming that Homeland Security raided the Duggar’s compound in Tontitown, Arkansas over the weekend, and a rep for HSI confirmed that they were there as part of an ongoing federal criminal investigation. But since the Duggar’s First Commandment is Thou Shalt Lie To Save Face, they are clutching their version of the bible (read: bank records and legal documents they probably don’t want the feds to see) all surprised-like at this “fake news.”