Tired of feeling insignificant, impotent, and, let’s be frank, ugly, but don’t have $44 billion dollars to throw around? No? How about $20? Surely you must have $20 laying around somewhere. Have you asked your mom? Maybe she could help. Still no?! Jesus, OK. How about $8? Because Elon Musk is really trying here. As it turns out, free speech ain’t free so Elon’s been trying to find a way to monetize it by selling blue checks as a perk for joining Twitter Blue, a subscription service that Elon seems to think will upend the “current lords and peasants system” by allowing everyone the opportunity to become an edgelord for just $8 dollars a month. And that’s his final offer! For less than the cost of a cup of coffee (was in the 80s), you can save yourself from the utter and complete humiliation of being the type of person who would spend $8 a month to share a blue check with intellectual luminaries such as Meghan Markle’s estranged sister Samantha Markle and The United States of America’s estranged former president Donald Trump. You see, Elon did happen to have $44 billion on hand, so he’s all set. But the rest of you uggos are really making things difficult for him.
Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s interview with Oprah Winfrey and CBS begat so many things. Oprah’s quote about being silenT or being silenCED. A clumsy racism denial from Prince William. The shocking revelation that Peter Brady is a successful patio furniture designer. But that interview also left the door open for some future trash to tumble in, and by that, I mean a whole year after the interview aired, a lawsuit that was filed by Meghan Markle’s half-sister/full-headache Samantha Markle. Samantha felt that her good name had been besmirched by her famous younger sister, and so Samantha put her lawyers to work. Well, Meghan has also got her lawyers on it, and those lawyers have asked that Samantha’s little lawsuit be filed in the nearest paper shredder.
Just when Meghan Markle thought she had successfully beat one family-related legal mess, here comes her older half-sister Samantha Markle at full-speed a defamation lawsuit. Samantha has filed a lawsuit against Meghan, accusing her of lying about their relationship during her interview with Oprah Winfrey that happened one year ago.
Last year, Meghan Markle hit one of her arch-rivals, Associated Newspapers, the publisher of The Mail On Sunday and The Daily Mail, with a lawsuit for publishing parts of a private letter she sent to her loyal (to his checking account) and devoted (to again, his checking account) father Thomas Markle a few months after she married Prince Hot Ginge. Even though many of us are on lockdown and turning our kitchens into fucking San Francisco by churning out sourdough bread on the hour, a preliminary hearing in Meghan’s case was held virtually last week. I really need to see the clips of the barristers arguing on Zoom while working those Dangerous Liaisons wigs as they make sourdough at the same time. The judge in the case has made some decisions and the decisions were against Meghan’s case. Okay, but again, I need to know if the judge used a piece of sourdough as a gavel while making those rulings.
Prince Charles Has Reportedly Opened His Wallet To Help Prince Hot Ginge And Meghan Markle With Their Security Costs
Today is April Fools’ Day, which means it’s the day that Prince Hot Ginge and a pantyhose-covered Duchess Meghan skipped into THE QUEEN’S throne room and declared, “April Fools’, bitch!”, before clocking back into their job as senior royals since it was all just an extra long joke. And then THE QUEEN woke up and realized that PHG and Meghan leaving wasn’t a nightmare and her biggest crowd-getters are really gone. And then she slapped Prince Philip with her pocketbook for poking at her with his rusty crotch scepter. Yes, THE QUEEN sleeps with her pocketbook.
But seriously, today is PHG and Meghan’s Independence From The Royals Day, and they’re celebrating while self-isolating in a Los Angeles compound, as security watches for a crazed skinny fat blogger trying to get onto the property by wearing a shrub disguise (I’ll show them because I’ll sneak in by hiding in a Lululemon box since you know Meghan gets that shit delivered every other day). And that security isn’t being provided by the U.S. government. Their security is privately funded and that reportedly includes money from Prince Daddy Charles.
Not only is Thomas Markle disappointed that his daughter is partly leaving the Royal Family, but he’s also ready to help the tabloids screw her over. What a way to win your way back into your daughter’s life, huh? Duchess Meghan has been going after the Mail on Sunday for publishing a letter she sent to her father. Of course he was clearly revealed as a bag of dicks back then–since they sure didn’t get that letter from his evil twin–but he may be doubling down and testifying in favor of his daughter’s enemy.