Category: Well Well Well
More Spiced Gin Punch For THE QUEEN: Prince Hot Ginge And Duchess Meghan Will Not Spend Christmas With Her
If you ask me, a funky good holiday time IS getting drunk on gin with THE QUEEN while cackling after Duchess Camilla opens up her gift from her “Secret Santa” and for the 14th year in a row finds a tampon with a picture of Prince Charles’ face glued onto the tip. But I guess Duchess Meghan can only take so much of Princess Michael of Kunt handing her an empty glass before saying, “Sorry, dear, I mistook you for the help again.” Because the Palace says that Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge have decided to spend Baby Master Archie’s first Christmas away from THE QUEEN’s annual holiday celebrations at Sandringham. Congratulations to them both for not having to look at Prince Andrew’s face during the holidays.
I’d like to believe that the royal family has a bet going on how many BREAKING TRADITION headlines that Meghan and PHG can conjure up in the span of one year. Well, congratulations to the member of the royal family who went with 3,498, because I believe that’s the number we’re almost at.
Jaime Pressly Got Shit For Telling Everyone Who Her Favorite Child Is
SPOILER ALERT: Jaime’s favorite isn’t in that picture in any way.
Now, I don’t have kids, because I can barely clothe, bathe, feed, burp, and wipe myself, and I already have a dog, so I don’t need another pair of living eyes hitting me with cold rays of judgement for eating microwaved-melted Kraft singles on saltines (aka nachos of the gourmet gods) while re-watching the second season of 90 Day Fiancé: Before The 90 Days. If I did have a kid, and had more than one, I’d like to think I wouldn’t have a favorite. But I probably would and my favorite would be the one who didn’t skimp on the hooch while making me a Moscow Mule. I wouldn’t tell them, though, because I wouldn’t need the other one using it against me in therapy years later! But I guess Jaime Pressly isn’t worried about that, because she proudly named her favorite son on Instagram. And since the mommy army is always waiting to put down their “Shhh… This Might Be Rosé” mug to go after another mom, they went after Jaime, but she doesn’t care.
Of Course Duchess Meghan’s Ass Jinxed Serena Williams!
As expected, Duchess Meghan showed up to Serena Williams’ US Open final against Canadian teenager Bianca Andreescu yesterday and watched her friend lose. Even though Duchess Jinxy McBadLuck is obviously the sole reason for why Serena lost, the good news is that no peasant was beheaded for daring to take a picture of Meghan. Sure, one of Meghan’s bodyguards chopped off the arm of a peasant who held up a phone to take a picture of her, but they’ll be fine. They can get a hook.
Federal Prosecutors Want Felicity Huffman To Serve A Month In The Clink
It’s been four months since Felicity Huffman decided that the best way to keep from landing herself a long-running role in Cell Block C Playhouse’s production of Desperate Cellmates is to cop a plea and admit guilt, which is what she did in May. Felicity pleaded guilty to committing mail fraud and honest services fraud by paying $15,000 to have a proctor correct the answers on her daughter’s SAT test in hopes of getting into a “good” college. Sentencing time is coming up, and it was reported that prosecutors were going to recommend 4 to 10 months in prison, but I guess their asses are Sports Night fans, because they’ve recommended only a month. Lori Loughlin is probably changing her mind about regretting her decision to not take a plea deal, because I mean, a whole entire month under fluorescent lighting and without Frette sheets?! She’d literally die.
Joel Schumacher Has Probably Sexed On Many, Many, Many More People Than You
Legendary director (and yes, I’m giving him “legendary” status solely due to him directing and executive producing 2000 Malibu Road!) Joel Schumacher is 80 years old today, and he’s lived A LIFE! And he gave us all a little keyhole view into his life with a wide-wide-wiiiiiiide-ranging interview with Andrew Goldman for Vulture. Joel took us on a journey from his days as a NYC costume designer in the 1970s to how Val Kilmer was psychotic on the set of Batman Forever to much, much more. I also learned that Joel started boozing at 9 years old, screamed, “This movie’s about people who got laid,” at the TV when Siskel & Ebert gave St. Elmo’s Fire a bad review, and that he’s good friends with Woody Allen and doesn’t know what to think about Dylan Farrow’s accusations against Woody.
But the part that is getting the most play is Joel saying that his fuck parts have been visited by thousands upon thousands of people. So the next time I think of putting a dirty dish in the sink instead of washing it because I just don’t have the time, I’m going to think of Joel Schumacher writing St. Elmo’s Fire while getting a train on him. Joel makes the time.
Wimbledon Goers Were Apparently Told To Not Take Duchess Meghan’s Picture
Who cares about THE QUEEN possibly making Prince Charles bust the nut of all nuts from finally handing over her crown and powers to him in two years (and you know that when she does, she’s going to quickly yank ’em back before saying, “SIKE, motherfucker!“). And who also cares about Prince Andrew’s connection to the child-raping dumpster hybrid of Scott Bakula and ALF. The British tabloids are really bringing us the royal news we need to ingest into our brain in order to close our eyelids to sleep tonight.
The Daily Mail says that if you were a lesser at Wimbledon who dared to use your iPhone to take a picture of Duchess Meghan, you probably aren’t reading this since you’re sitting in a dungeon. Even though Wimbledon was broadcast to millions around the world and there were photographers everywhere, Meghan apparently wouldn’t let the peasants use their peasant cameras to take a picture of her royal greatness.