Madonna has some very important matters on her mind, and the only person she can properly discuss then with is Pope Francis. So she took to Twitter to beg for a meeting with His Holiness. Madge is well aware she’s one of the Catholic Church’s least favorite female music stars (it’s her, Sinead O’Connor, and that nun-killer Katy Perry), but tweets that she thinks it’s unfair that she’s (allegedly) been ex-communicated three times.
Elton John Accused Pope Francis Of Hypocrisy On Twitter For The Vatican’s Stance On The Blessing Of Same Sex Marriages
Despite embodying a caricature of “the sassy gay man,” — he’s a gossipy busybody with an unapologetically flamboyant wardrobe and a life-long aversion to pussy — as frequently posited, The Pope is in fact Catholic. Arguably, he’s THE MOST Catholic. As such, under his direction, The Vatican has issued a decree stating that Catholic clergy members aren’t allowed to bless gay marriages because God “cannot bless sin.” Well, The Pope’s layman tether Elton John is not here for Frank’s hypocrisy and blasted the pontiff on Twitter claiming that The Vatican was A-OK with gay marriage when it helped to finance the movie Rocketman which Elton says celebrates his marriage to David Furnish. So yes, on this day in history, Elton John beefed with The Pope on Twitter and poor Madonna hasn’t found a way to get in on that action yet!
It finally happened, The Pope is canceled! And I’m not talking about that TV show starring Jude Law. I’m talking about that old Argentinian dude who lives in Italy and always wears that funny little boob hat with a nipple on top. According to New York Daily News, The Vatican has launched an investigation into what type of ass Pope Francis gets off on after his official Instagram account “liked” a picture of a Brazilian bikini model/Twitch streamer’s juicy junk hanging out the bottom of a Catholic schoolgirl’s uniform. This is monumental. We might finally learn what floats the Pope’s boat when he’s pulling on that Pope rope.
2020 is brand new and there’s already a debate on whether or not it was okay for Pope Frances to slappity slap at the hand of a disciple who grabbed at him as though she was a Lush employee and he barely stepped into the store, or like insomnia grabbing at me at 3am right when I’m about to finally fall asleep after staring at the ceiling for 4 hours. Yes, 2019 ended with a Pope slap and 2020 is starting with a debate about that mess. So much for Dry January, pour me a drank.
My teen self denounced Gwen Stefani as the +~*cOOleST gUuuurrrlL*~+ in the world when she got with the humanization of TruckNutz™ that is Blake Shelton in what I’m still telling myself is a long, long, long con to continue to promote The Voice. Gwen and Blake have been together for over four years, and there’s been wedding rumors ever since. But Gwen still hasn’t walked down an aisle of moose carcasses (hunted by Blake) while wearing a camo dress as he waits for her in a three-piece lumberjack plaid suit under an altar of rifle bullets. And once again, we’re hearing that Gwen and Blake haven’t gotten married because she’s really Catholic and won’t get married until her marriage to Gavin Rossdale is annulled by the church. Uh huh, “really Catholic“? If strict Catholic abuelitas, like my abuelita, ran the church, Gwen wouldn’t have to worry about getting her marriage annulled, because they’d kick out her grande mujerzuela ass for being a sinful hussy slut floozy who shacked up with a man she didn’t marry in the eyes of God!
Today I learned that it’s now considered gauche to kiss The Pope’s ring. It’s simply not done anymore. At least that’s what our new school, Rock ’N’ Roll Pope thinks. According to The Independent, Pope Frankie Says Relax is not about that groveling shit. During a recent mass at Holy House of Loreto in Italy, Pope Francis specifically asked the public not to kiss his Ciotola Super ring, but to no avail. The assembled masses seemed to take the request as a challenge. You could probably hear the sound of thousands of caps being popped off of thousand of tubes of chapsticks sticks as the people prepared to pucker up. Apparently, kissing the Pope’s ring is worth huge Catholic Bingo points.