Prince Charles Has Reportedly Opened His Wallet To Help Prince Hot Ginge And Meghan Markle With Their Security Costs
Today is April Fools’ Day, which means it’s the day that Prince Hot Ginge and a pantyhose-covered Duchess Meghan skipped into THE QUEEN’S throne room and declared, “April Fools’, bitch!”, before clocking back into their job as senior royals since it was all just an extra long joke. And then THE QUEEN woke up and realized that PHG and Meghan leaving wasn’t a nightmare and her biggest crowd-getters are really gone. And then she slapped Prince Philip with her pocketbook for poking at her with his rusty crotch scepter. Yes, THE QUEEN sleeps with her pocketbook.
But seriously, today is PHG and Meghan’s Independence From The Royals Day, and they’re celebrating while self-isolating in a Los Angeles compound, as security watches for a crazed skinny fat blogger trying to get onto the property by wearing a shrub disguise (I’ll show them because I’ll sneak in by hiding in a Lululemon box since you know Meghan gets that shit delivered every other day). And that security isn’t being provided by the U.S. government. Their security is privately funded and that reportedly includes money from Prince Daddy Charles.
When news came out that PHG, Meghan, and Master Archie had left Canada for Los Angeles, Trump let us all know that he gets TMZ alerts on his phone by saying that he heard the news and wants us all to know that unlike Canada, the U.S. is not going to pay for their security. PHG and Meghan’s rep then dropped a shit on Trump by letting him and everyone else know that their security is privately funded and they were never planning to ask the U.S. government to guard their bodies. The Daily Mail claims that their security bill could reach $5 million a year, and a source tells them that Daddy Charles is putting $2.5 million toward that.
A royal source said: ‘Charles has agreed to pay a ”private contribution” to the Sussexes.
‘It will not be revealed how much and what that is used for, but it is believed to be around £2 million. It would not be a surprise if it went into meeting the bill for security.
Security costs are expected to be so high because Metropolitan Police are not allowed to carry guns in the US, so the couple may be forced to use private guards.
Daddy Charles is still giving PHG and Meghan a reported £2.3 million allowance every year, but who knows if the £2 million for security is coming from their allowance or is on top of that. I’m going to guess the latter. The Mail does say that the money is coming from the Duchy of Cornwall (not to be confused with my weed and lube fund called the Dutchie and Hornball fund). The Duchy of Cornwall is Charles’ private fund that he uses to feed many fancy mouths from his own to PHG’s to Prince William’s. The total annual income from that fund is around £21million, which is a lot of coins, but can dry up quick thanks to all of Charles’ expenses.
Speaking of Charles, he put up a video message to his subjects today, telling them that he’s recovered from the coronavirus he caught, and even though he has completed the required 7-day quarantine process, he’s still in self-isolation. Charles also said words about how he and Duchess Camilla are thinking of the pepaws and memaws of the country who are being hit hard by the virus. Charles and Camilla support the elders of the UK through two charities.
Meanwhile, the reviews are in for Elephant, the Disney+ documentary that Meghan’s high-powered Hollywood agent, Prince Hot Ginge, got her (just let me believe). Meghan narrated the elephant documentary, with the money she made from it going to charity. Her favorite literary journal, The Daily Mail, compiled some reviews including a shitty one:
When it comes to Meghan, her ‘excitable tones’ are a ‘perfect fit for the natural-history-with-the-edges-shaved off remit’, according to Empire’s Ian Freer, who awarded the film three stars.
The Telegraph’s Robbie Collin, who awarded it three stars, said the documentary is ‘not quite Attenborough’, admitting Meghan’s ‘honeyed alto’ is ‘a fine match for the tone of the piece, which vacillates between regal and cutesy-poo with occasional gusts of girl-power uplift’.
The Times’s Ed Potton was decidedly more scathing – evident by his two-star rating. He said Meghan is ‘swapping pomp and circumstance for schmaltz and cheesiness’, adding: ‘The departing Duchess of Sussex narrates Disney’s tale of a herd of elephants crossing the Kalahari Desert from the Okavango delta to the Zambezi River, and boy does she lay it on thick.’ Ed observed how her ‘silken tones’ employed on the legal drama Suits which were ‘often muzzled during her time as a full-time royal’ are now ‘given free rein’. He did concede that she has an ‘actor’s way’ with a phrase and a ‘likeable sense of mischief’, but concluded the performance often feels ‘overegged’. ‘To anyone raised on Attenborough’s urbane authority… it all feels a little bit shallow.’
Surprisingly, The Daily Mail didn’t do their own review with the headline being: Elephant?! It Should’ve Been Called “Scheming Leech” Since It’s Narrated By One, a review from The Mail’s new chief film critic Samantha Markle.