Category: The Opposite Of Shocked

Shakira And Gerard Pique Announce That They’re Over After He Was Reportedly Caught Cheating

June 5, 2022 / Posted by:

Last week, a rumor popped up, claiming that Shakira and her man of 11 years, Gerard Pique, were on the verge of breaking up over his peen wandering up into the nethers of another. And while rumors about Pique’s alleged wandering peen ways may be as shrug-worthy as hearing that Shakira threw another tax bill into the trash, it’s been reported that she “caught” him cheating and that led to him moving out of their house and into his Barcelona bachelor pad. Shakira and Pique have since moved the rumor of their split into truth territory by confirming that they’re done.

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Scotland Yard Will Not Investigate The Sexual Abuse Allegations Against Prince Andrew

October 11, 2021 / Posted by:

Well, the good news for THE QUEEN is that does not have to knit sweaters out of her Corgis’ fur to sell on to pay even more legal bills racked up by her favorite son. Because The Metropolitan Police Service announced that they have closed their review into the sexual abuse allegations against Prince Andrew and will not open an investigation against him. Hmmm, why do I have a feeling that their “review” consisted of them looking at a document that read, “Don’t try it, bitches! Love, THE QUEEN,” before stamping “CLOSED” on their review and saying that there’s nothing to see here.

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Queen Mummy Is Reportedly Going To Pay For Prince Andrew’s Legal Defense Against Sex Abuse Allegations

October 4, 2021 / Posted by:

The word DUH just looked at that headline and said, “Oh, look that headline redefined me.

Because in a piece of news that is about as surprising as you telling me that you get a stage 10 case of the heaves whenever your eyes land on the name Prince Andrew, The Telegraph reports that THE QUEEN is reaching into her pocketbook to pull out a few coins to pay the lawyers defending her poor widdle winnocent favorite son. Yes, go ahead and add The Pedo Defense Fund to the list of charitable organizations that THE QUEEN donates to, allegedly.

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Emily Ratajkowski And The Director Of The “Blurred Lines” Video Say That Robin Thicke Groped Her During Filming

October 3, 2021 / Posted by:

Blurred Lines is a Satanic skid mark on the backside of America’s chonies, because it turned Robin Thicke into a star, is probably the most-played song on Brett Kavanaugh’s Spotify playlist, and it ripped off Marvin Gaye. And now Emily Ratajkowski, or Emily RideAJetSki as I call her around here, says that while filming the video for it, Robin sexually assaulted her by grabbing her boobs. The video’s director, Diane Martel, says that she watched it go down and immediately shut down filming. The most shocking part about all of this is that Blurred Lines was not directed by Terry Richardson!

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Chris Brown Has Been Accused Of Assaulting A Woman

June 22, 2021 / Posted by:

Today must be Groundhog Day. First, we heard something that we’ve heard a million times before (read: Tristan Thompson cheating). And now here’s this. Chris Brown has once again been accused of attacking a woman, which has probably given everyone a serious case of the SHOCKS since we all know Chris Brown to be a gentle and calm dewdrop. Now, all we need is a story about how Meghan McCain induced eye-rolls from her co-hosts, and the Groundhog Day trifecta will be complete.

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Jim Caviezel Pushed A False QAnon Conspiracy Theory

April 18, 2021 / Posted by:

Well, it looks like Margarine Turner Gangrene, or whatever the hell her name is, can count on some STAH POWER backing her up in her next campaign. Because Jim Caviezel, who is best known as Mel Gibson’s Jesus in Passion of the Christ and for Person Of Interest, has come out as a believer of QAnon. Jim popped up at some far-right COVID-denying conference on Friday night and mouth-sharted out a false conspiracy theory about how the elite are harvesting the adrenaline of children to stop or reverse the effects of aging. Um, someone should let those QAnoners know that’s not how Botox is made.

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