If Noel Gallagher had calmly said that he’s more than happy to wear a mask since he cares about other human beings and wants to do his part to stop the spread of coronavirus, I’d immediately lube up my parts and assume the position, because I’d finally get some since today is Opposite Day. But since Noel Gallagher is Noel Gallagher he didn’t say that and while on Matt Morgan’s Funny How? podcast (via The Guardian), he made it damn clear that the only way he would hate a mask more is if it had the words I Love Adele embroidered on it.
Following the multiple allegations made against comedian Chris D’Elia last week (jeez, it’s a shitty time to be a shitty, male stand-up comedian), fellow “funny guy”, 54-year-old Jeff Ross, roastmaster of many Comedy Central celebrity roasts, is now being accused of illegal grossness. Who knew that the comedy world was a regular Jeffrey Epstein Pedo Island? “Um, everybody who reads the internet,” said everybody.
Ryan Murphy’s Feud: Bette and Joan aired in 2017 and there hasn’t been a second season. The second season was supposed to be about the fall of the marriage between Prince Charles (played by Matthew Goode) and Princess Diana (played by Rosamund Pike), but that idea was tossed into the dumpster after FX felt the material wasn’t right. There have been no plans for a second season, but Andre Leon Talley just dropped the perfect Feud into Ryan’s lap. Feud: Andre Leon Talley vs. Anna Wintour starring Titus Burgess as ALT and Sarah Paulson as Anna Wintour! Or a pair of extra demonic-looking Blue Blockers in a Dutch Boy wig as Anna Wintour.
Andre Leon Talley’s memoir, The Chiffon Trenches, comes out in September and The Daily Mail got an EXCLUSIVO first look at it. In it, ALT praises Anna for turning him into a fashion star, but writes that if Anna had a Grindr account, her profile would read: No fats! No olds! No losers! Because he says that when he got too old, too overweight, and too uncool (copyright: Jennifer Aniston) for her, she banished him from her inner circle. And there’s a very good reason why ALT always looks like he’s on his way to his own graduation. He’s got his Ph.D. in reading and shows it off by reading Anna Wintour in his memoir.
If you found yourself looking at any one of Taylor Swift’s totally natural and not-at-all staged shots from her recent friend-filled 4th of July party and wondered who the hell was taking the pictures, you’re not alone. I assumed the person behind the camera was a squad member who was put there by Taylor as a form of punishment for wearing their hair in a ponytail two days in a row. But apparently that’s not so.
The Daily Mail decided to get to the bottom of this very important mystery, and they’ve discovered that the person taking Taylor’s too-perfect pictures is – wait for it – a professional photographer! That loud whooshing sound you just heard was the entire population of the earth gasping in complete shock. Taylor Swift? Manipulating the media? She would never!
The Daily Mail got out their magnifying glasses and took a closer look at those pictures of Taylor frolicking in the ocean with a truly-not-loving-himself Tom Hiddleston and her friends over the weekend, and they spotted a guy following them around with a professional camera. Not in a creepy “Is that guy following us?” way, either. He appeared to be with them. Then, back at Taylor’s giant million-dollar dream house the next day, another photographer was seen talking to Taylor before she began her next round of posing.
The Daily Mail has photos of the photographers. In case you can’t identify someone with a huge expensive camera as a professional photographer, they’ve circled them all Where’s Waldo? style. I’m sure all of those pictures are being printed out and put into a folder marked “PROOF” by the conspiracy theorists who believe Taylor and Tom’s relationship is nothing but an elaborate music video.
Are we honestly that surprised that Taylor Swift would hire professional photographers to document her famous friend hang-outs? Frankly, I’d be more surprised if she didn’t. You can’t get that crystal-clear catalogue realness with a basic iPhone camera. “Gosh darn it, Gigi – the resolution is so low, you can barely tell that I’m holding hands with Karlie. Like, how else are people supposed to know we’re best friends? Take it again.”
In news that’d turn your world upside down if the year was 1993 (it still wouldn’t), Radar claims they have gotten a hold of Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss’ little red Gucci planner from over 20 years ago and in it are the names of some of the rich dudes who may have leased high-class coochie from her back in the day. Okay, Radar didn’t exactly get a hold of it. They say they saw pages from it through various sources. So that means that either their sources took pictures of it or Radar has the power to possess a source’s body. It’s definitely the second one.
One of the sources tell Radar when the full list of names and the kinky shit they’re into comes out, it’s going to send a shock of wave “SANTO DIOS!” through the planet. The world as we know it will never be the same again!
“It is beyond shocking! When the full list of these names get around, it’s going to cause a sensation — as well as the beginning of the end for many a celebrity’s career!”
If you’re at work, you should get some duct tape and tape down your clothes to your body, because reading this shocking list of names will cause your pants to rip off of you and that will just be embarrassing. Radar also wants to make it clear that just because these names were in Heidi’s book, doesn’t mean they used her poon-renting services. I’m not going to include Charlie Sheen’s name, because DUH. Get ready to fall out of yourself:
An 80s’ Brat Packer who loved to suck on sweaty toes!
I know, Johnny Depp, Hugh Hefner and Sean Penn’s reputations have been as pristine as a virgin unicorn’s vagine up until this point. Finding out that they paid for a hooker decades ago will definitely destroy them. RIP their careers! But really, what I want to see is the notes of what these johns were into. Like, did George Lucas make his hooker wear a Chewbacca mask (that Chewbacca mom video is his porn)? Did Nicolas Cage make his hooker peg him with an Ice Age era dildo that was found in a cave in Germany and sold at auction for $650,000? No, I bet Nicolas Cage is into some really kinky S&M shit like making his hooker cuddle with him while watching Ghost Rider.
Last week, while hustling the future Barnes & Noble clearance table hit Balancing in Heels, we learned that MTV employee-turned-chemical truther Kristin Cavallari chose to skip the typical baby formula and feed her babies a homemade formula made from goat’s milk. The reason she chose to do that was because her kids couldn’t handle cow milk, and soy milk is – according to Kristin – “usually genetically modified.” People.com was so excited about Kristin’s discovery, that they decided to post the recipe for her homemade goat milk baby slurry on their website. Unfortunately, promoting dubious diet advice from a reality TV star anti-vaxxer came back to bite them in the ass. Whoever would have guessed that would happen?
According to a blog called Friendly Atheist on Patheos (via Today), People deleted Kristin’s recipe from their site because several doctors came forward and slapped at them for publishing it. Professional medical sources, like the American Academy of Pediatrics and the US Department of Agriculture, don’t recommend that children under 12 months drink goat milk (or cow milk or soy milk) because it doesn’t provide enough nutrients.
Dr. Ruth Lawrence, a professor of pediatrics, obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Rochester Medical Center, told the Today show that she seconds what the AAP said. She adds that giving your kid a homemade formula like Kristin’s goat’s milk could result in nutritional deficiencies and “all sorts of problems“, like anemia, kidney problems, and something called metabolic acidosis. When asked for comment, Kristin replied: “Metabolic acidosis? Never heard of that one. Is that a type of GMO?”
I’m sure there’s many people screaming “DUH!” at the news that Kristin Cavallari doesn’t know what she’s talking about. But it’s still probably a good thing that a couple of people who went to medical school for this sort of thing called her out. And don’t say there’s no one dumb enough to believe what Kristin Cavallari says. I once believed a friend who told me I could get a full day’s worth of vitamins and nutrients from a McDonald’s 6-piece nugget combo. So yeah, they’re out there.
Here’s more of Kristin signing copies of Balancing in Heels at a Barnes & Noble yesterday with what I’m sure is a totally organic non-toxic chemical-free vegetable ink-based marker.