Retired 35-year-old footballer, Gerard Piqué, has been publicly dating his one-time side piece, 23-year-old PR-type Clara Chia, since a few weeks after he and 47-year-old Shakira broke up. They announced their breakup in June 2022 after having been together 12 years, and then in August, Gerard was seen making out with Clara at a concert in Spain. And a few weeks after that, Clara went with him to a wedding in Catalonia. Well, now he’s taking her to Instagram, as the couple has gone social media official, and the comments section is open!–albeit mostly in Spanish.
I’m just going to assume someone else has already made a The Jam Don’t Lie joke instead, as I report that Shakira supposedly found out that her partner was cheating on her after noticing someone had been dipping into her strawberry jam while she was away. And he don’t eat jam. Detective La Toya better start using that XXL magnifying glass to examine the Help Wanted section because Shakira has stolen her gig. Not only that, Hercule Perot, Miss Marple, Benoit Blanc, Sherlock Holmes, Jessica Fletcher, Bunk & McNutty, Martha Stewart, and Bonne Maman were all found dead with a crinkled-up note on their chests with the words “The Jam Don’t Lie” written in lipstick, signed “Detective Shakira.”
Shakira Placed A Witch On Her Balcony Facing The Home Of Gerard Pique’s Mother And He Responded To Her Diss Track
Shakira has faced some difficulties over the last year or so. The Spanish government is after her money, and she split from her partner of 12 years, footballer Gerard Pique. She’s been fairly quiet throughout the process (well aside from telling the Spanish tax man to fuck off) until now. The songstress has yodeled her angriest yodel in a diss track against Pique, and she even shaded his mother with a bruja on the balcony. It’s time for the return of dark-haired, rocker Shakira!
A lot of people who’ve had a year like Shakira has might be locked in their room in a cocoon of sadness on day fifty-leven of unwashed hair with no recollection of when their last dalliance with the sunlight was. But Shakira–fresh out of her relationship with longtime partner and father of her two children, Gerard Piqué, and on the edge of a fight with the Spanish government over taxes she allegedly owes–instead opted to rally (I’m sure a Xena Warrior Princess-style yodel happened somewhere) and (kind of) answer tough questions in an interview for the October digital issue of ELLE.
Earlier this summer, Shakira and Gerard Piqué jointly announced their split after 11 years together because he was reportedly caught passing his peen around outside of their relationship–even though one source said that Gerard couldn’t have cheated, because he and Shakira had an open relationship. But it seems like Shakira can’t catch a break lately, from her Spanish tax turmoil to the revelation that Jennifer Lopez thought that her own “croth and ass” should’ve been the only croth and ass in their joint 2020 Superbowl Halftime Show. Wild boars even wanted a piece of her, and she defeated them. But, Us Weekly says that the thing that’s really broken her down is seeing recent photos of Gerard looking romantic with model, Clara Chía.
Beloved lycan and nemesis of boars everywhere Shakira has been having a difficult year. First, her footballer husband Gerard Pique suffered from a severe case of wandering peen which eventually led to the dissolution of their marriage. Then all that tax mierda Shakira’s been putting off finally caught up to her. What’s a girl to do? Move mansions, of course! There are rumors that Shakira is planning to get away from it all and relocate to the tiny modest town of Miami. Ah yes, who hasn’t considered moving to Miami to deal with a breakup (and those pesky tax collectors)!