Category: Batshit
A Christian Mom Warned Parents That Watching “Hocus Pocus 2” Could “Unleash Hell On Your Kids”
A Texas mom (a phrase which to me, reads as ominously as “Florida man”) has chosen Disney+’s Hocus Pocus 2 as the vehicle to ensure that she and her family will get to park their sanctimonious asses in their favorite pew indefinitely since church attendance is presumably down due to the increasingly hard-to-defend buffoonery of modern-day Christian fundies. Jamie Gooch (yes, GOOCH) recently shat out a long Facebook post that’s gone viral for warning parents against allowing Hocus Pocus 2 into their homes and also appeared on a news station to spread the word further.
Open Post: Hosted By The Bat Hanging From A Woman’s Crotch
Bats have got a bad rep these last few years since they maybe were related to Coronavirus’ debut on Earth in 2019. And one bat must have been looking for a safe place to seek refuge and not get harassed by bat-haters, but they seemed to have got a bit confused. And instead of a cave, the bat decided to make a home between one woman’s legs–hanging directly from the crotch of her jeans. Thick thighs save lives!–And also prevent bats from making homes in your cooter.
Jim Caviezel Pushed A False QAnon Conspiracy Theory
Well, it looks like Margarine Turner Gangrene, or whatever the hell her name is, can count on some STAH POWER backing her up in her next campaign. Because Jim Caviezel, who is best known as Mel Gibson’s Jesus in Passion of the Christ and for Person Of Interest, has come out as a believer of QAnon. Jim popped up at some far-right COVID-denying conference on Friday night and mouth-sharted out a false conspiracy theory about how the elite are harvesting the adrenaline of children to stop or reverse the effects of aging. Um, someone should let those QAnoners know that’s not how Botox is made.
Open Post: Hosted By The Insane Glamour In This Insane Political Ad
WARNING: If you proceed further, you will not be able to fight the urge to pull out your credit card and run your ass down to the finest boutique in your town (read: the 80s section of Goodwill and the dustiest clothing store in the “trashy” mall that hasn’t been able to sell the sequin bomber jackets they bought off the back of a truck in the early-90s) to recreate this White Rain-encrusted Oklahoma blossom’s entire look. Make sure you have enough room on your Visa. You’ve been warned.
Shelli Landon is one of nine Republicans who is trying to snatch the party’s nomination to represent Oklahoma Congressional District 5 in the U.S. House. I don’t know or care who the other candidates are but I’m guessing they’re in the process of announcing that they’re dropping out of that bitch because there’s no way they have the budget (read: a bootleg copy of Windows Movie Maker, a water-damaged floppy disc of MS Paint from the 80s, a pink can of AquaNet, and an old thing of Mary Kay rouge) to top the 1980s public access brilliance that Shelli Landon served up. It’s fitting that Shelli’s last name is Landon because I fell off my chair and Landon on my ass from the glamour of it all!