Category: The Opposite Of Shocked

Surprise, Surprise, Michael Strahan Didn’t Close His Gap After All 

April 2, 2021 / Posted by:

Right before April Fools’ Day, Michael Strahan announced that he had closed the gap in his front teeth with the help of cosmetic dentist, Dr. Lee Gause of Smile Design Manhattan. Well, we can all rest easy today because Michael didn’t close his gap. It was just an April Fools’ prank. You got us good, Michael.

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Sharon Osbourne Is Out At “The Talk”

March 27, 2021 / Posted by:

Brace yourselves, Britain, because Sharon Osbourne could be back inside of you to join forces with her ride-or-die, Piers Morgan, for a show called Racial Issues Today on Rupert Murdoch’s new Fox News-like channel in the UK. Because Sharon is out of a job after she “made the decision to depart” The Talk. That’s how CBS puts it. It’s a very PR-way of saying, “We paid the trick to get the fuck out!” And with that, many are probably saying, “Now who’s ‘too ghetto‘ for the show?

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JLo And A-Rod Are Over After Four Years Together

March 12, 2021 / Posted by:

Mr. Met just breathed out the biggest sigh of relief of all-time because if Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez actually managed to buy the Mets, poor Mr. Met would be covered in olive oil (from JLo) and roid-infused slime (from A-Rod) as they fought over him!

Page Six was first to report that the most powerful power couple of our time (in their heads) have dumped their true, everlasting, organic love into the shit can after being together for four years, and engaged for two. TMZ says that The Kingdom of J-Rod crumbled just today, so the cherubs must have whispered the news to Page Six before doing the slow wall slide of sadness over the end of this union. As for why they split…. Cut to A-Rod’s chronic wandering peen saying, “It wasn’t me!“, while winking.

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An Anti-Gay Hungarian Politician Resigned After Being Caught At A 25-Man Gang Bang In Belgium

December 2, 2020 / Posted by:

Another anti-gay bigot has revealed himself to be a raging homo but he was caught with more than just his pants down. A Hungarian politician named Jozsef Szajer was found to be breaking coronavirus quarantine rules by attending a 25-man orgy. He was found out after he tried to escape by climbing out a window like something out of the weirdest Benny Hill episode ever.

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Ricky Schroder Helped Bail Out Accused Murderer Kyle Rittenhouse 

November 21, 2020 / Posted by:

“Yeah, so on January 1, 2020, you’re going to want to hibernate in a WiFi-less cave for the next 12 months. Don’t come out! A lot of fucked-up shit happens including that little blond brat on the train helping to bail out a wannabe militiaboy who shot and killed two people during a protest” is what I’d say to a little me watching Silver Spoons after time-traveling back to 1986. And, “Oh no, am I going to look that haggard?” is what a little me would say to current day me during that time-travel visit.

Kyle Rittenhouse, the 17-year-old from Illinois who shot and killed two men during the Jacob Blake protests in August, is now out of jail after posting his $2 million bail in cash. TMZ says that a chunk of that money came from the pockets of Ricky Schroder. I know, you probably burped up a ball of shock over that. Who knew that Ricky Schroder had $150,000 in cash?!

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Meghan Markle Admits That, Yeah, She Passed On Information To The Authors Of “Finding Freedom”

November 19, 2020 / Posted by:

When word of Finding Freedom, the book about Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle exiting stage left from the Royal Family, came out, a rep for PHG and Meghan said that they didn’t do an interview for the book and didn’t contribute to it at all, even though if you ran a blacklight over the book’s pages you’d probably see their fingerprints all over it. Well, thanks to her lawsuit against The Mail on Sunday, Meghan has admitted that she did give a little info to the authors of Finding Freedom, Omid Scobie and Carolyn Durand, but that she didn’t do it directly and she only did it to get her side out. If that revelation had a soundtrack, it’d be the DUH part of that Billie Eilish song.

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