Category: Suzanne Somers
Open Post: Hosted By Suzanne Somers Bringing Tons Of Sex Bomb Star Power To The “Passengers” Premiere
When the organizers of last night’s Passengers premiere at the Village Theater in Westwood, CA laid eyes on Jennifer Lawrence wearing another tragically boring Dior (more like DiBORE) and Chris Pratt wearing a snooze-worthy suit, they immediately hit the glamour emergency switch attached to the wall. Approximately 15 seconds later, a siren was heard in the near distance and 30 seconds after that, a stretch limousine with flashing lights on top pulled up and out slithered a goddess in sequins, leather gloves and silver cha cha heels. Suzanne Somers landed on the black carpet to bring some much needed sparkly star power, sexiness, glamour and magnetism to that dull affair. Suzanne Somers is a glamorous Captain-Save-A-Ho and the ho she saved was the Passengers premiere.
Open Post: Hosted By The Sequined Glamour Of Suzanne Somers
If you’re thinking that this stunningly elegant dress looks really familiar and you must’ve seen it on a red eye-shift hooker as she made her way home and you made your way to work in the morning time, you may be right. But you probably also saw it on the triple-Spanx’d body of the butterfly human hybrid known as Mimi who wore it to the NBC Upfronts in NYC last month. Beyonce has also worn that sequined tiger-striped Balmain hooker dress before. That dress is making the rounds and is turning out to be The Slut Dress’ more worldly, glamorous and sophisticated older cousin who used to be a high-end call girl but now works as a hostess at a club in Reno.
Suzanne Somers, my choice for our next Surgeon General, wore it while working the red carpet with her husband Alan Hamel at the Television Academy’s 70th Anniversary Gala in Los Angeles last night. As for who wore that mess better, I have to go with Chrissy Snow, because it has transformed her into Janice the Muppet’s drunk, crazy auntie who made everyone rush their kids out of the room at a family party when she drunkenly gave her husband a lap dance to a Def Leppard song.
Since that dress has been climbing up the ladder of stars by going from Beyonce to Mimi and onto the forever A-list jewel Suzanne Somers, I’m guessing it’ll keep going up and will soon be found on the body of La Toya Jackson or Angelyne. Keep reaching for those unreachable stars, Tiger Dress!
Johnny Depp Thanks Amber Heard For Putting Up With Him
“And I thank you for attempting to look like you showered tonight, Johnny. You don’t, of course – but you tried, and that’s all that matters. Now stop trying to pull me in closer, you’re going to leave grease stains all over the couture!”
Last night, Johnny Depp accepted the Desert Palm Achievement Award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and one of the people he thanked was the skilled taxidermist who keeps him looking somewhat human after all these years. No! He didn’t thank his taxidermist (rude). But UsWeekly says he did thank his midlife crisis wife, Amber Heard, for being such a sport and putting up with his ass.
Benedict Cumberbatch’s Fiancee Does The “Hide The Bump” Pose At The Palm Springs Film Festival
The holidays are over and famous actor types have taken off their bikinis and said goodbye to sunbathing their parts on a yacht in the Caribbean and put on a $10,000 borrowed designer gown to say hello to weeks of getting drunk on top shelf champagne while jacking off other famous actor types at award shows and film festivals. They all went back to “work” last night at the awards gala for the Palm Springs International Film Festival in wait for it… wait for it… Palm Springs, CA.
Reese Witherspoon won the Chairman’s Award for Wild, Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne won the Desert Achievement Award for Still Alice and The Theory of Everything, J.K. Simmons won the Spotlight Award for Whiplash, the cast of The Imitation Game won the Ensemble Cast Award and Rosamund Pike and David Oyelowo won the Breakthrough Performance Award for Gone Girl and Selma. And Bennyhill Custardsnatch and his fiancee of ten minutes Sophie Hunter walked away with the I See You Bitches Award.
Suzanne Somers And Her Husband Are Probably Humping On Each Other Right Now
In “Your Brain And Genitals Didn’t Need To Be Exposed To This Information” news, Suzanne Somers said on yesterday’s episode of The Talk (via UsWeekly) that she and her husband of 36 years Alan Hamel get their fuck on twice a day. And I bet Ol’ Al smiles like that while getting it in.
We have Miley Cyrus to thank for Suzanne giving us the dry, dusty image of her and Ol’ Al boning each other before dawn. Miley joked on Today that when people turn 40, their pussy or dick gives up on life, shrivels up, falls off and is dipped in batter, fried and sold at your local Long John Silver’s. Suzanne wanted to make it clear that she’s 26 years passed 40, but her over-tanned prune flower stills gets plenty of action. Suzanne said on The Talk that not a day goes by when Ol’ Al’s morning wood doesn’t come a knockin’ on her poon.
“[We have sex] a couple times a day. He’s on hormones and I’m on hormones. I’m going to be so sorry I said that. What is it about men at four in the morning? And then I’m really awake around eight or so. We have busy mornings.”
And now for the rest of the day I won’t be able to stop singing, “Come a knock on my poon…” Well, at least it’ll make me temporarily forget that the star of the old Alpha Beta commercials (or star of Razzle Dazzle if your ass is Canadian) is fucking more than me.
And if you’re not dry already, here’s something that’ll suck all the moisture out of you. It’s Miley at her album release party in NYC last night.
Pics: Splash