Note that I left out the word “mess,” as there’s no question that the messiest part of the red carpet was most likely the three square feet of space occupied by Ryan Seacrest.
If there was an award for red carpet fashion that makes you question a stylist’s sanity, Nicole Kidman would be that category’s Meryl Streep. Nicole arrived in an Armani Prive gown that does double duty. From the waist-up she’s very mascot of a sexy frozen fish company, and from the waist down I’m getting a reminder to please separate my plastic recyclables from my paper.
Less than two months ago, Kristen Stewart made things with St. Vincent celebrity-official by posing for pictures at a Vogue fashion event together. Kristen usually plays it coy when it comes to who she’s rubbing up against, so I took that public event to be the domino that was about to knock down the rest of the dominoes that lead to a chapel and a priest and matching hers n’ hers all-black hipster wedding ensembles. It appears that might not be the case.
Open Post: Hosted By Kristen Stewart And St. Vincent Making Their
Red Carpet Cobblestone Walkway Debut As A Couple
That looks like a still out of a Harry Potter spin-off movie about the incestuous lesbian love affair between Draco Malfoy’s long-lost hipster sister and Bellatrix Lestrange’s long-lost hipster sister. And yes, it’s directed by Sofia Coppola and Bon Iver scored the soundtrack.
About three weeks after it was rumored that Kristen Stewart’s twat had bid adieu to Alicia Cargile’s cooch and said bonjour to St. Vincent’s poon (Side note: In my mind, KStew’s chocha speaks broken French), the two went public with their love at the CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund show in L.A. yesterday.
TenCents has been a thing for about a month, and that may not seem like a long time, but in both Hollywood relationship time and Kristen Stewart time, that’s approximately 8 years. So I’m guessing that in the time it takes me to move my mouse cursor to the “publish” button and click it, a BREAKING NEWS report will pop up saying that St. Vincent was spotted moving her shit out of KStew’s house as KStew’s new piece moves in. And yes, KStew’s new piece will be St. Vincent’s ex Cara Delawhatever. Hey, it’s not Kristen Stewart’s fault for having to get with her ex’s ex. There’s only so many famous and semi-famous hipster gayelles to choose from!
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
A little over two months ago, Kristen Stewart was back with her on-and-off again girlfriend Alicia Cargile. Kristen and Alicia’s lesbian hipster paradise love may have come to an end, and Kristen may have already moved on. And according to the Daily Mail, that someone may be Cara Delevingne’s former someone, St. Vincent.
Prepare to send a bouquet of “I’m sorry for your loss” roses to your cool teen cousin, for they will truly be shook to the core of their Nasty Gal choker by this news. According to The Sun, Cara Delevingne and singer St. Vincent (real name: Annie Clark) have once again broken up.
The Sun says they pulled the plug on their relationship during Cara’s promotional tour for Suicide Squad last month. A source says that Cara and St. Vincent liked each other, but the long-distance thing wasn’t working for them. No word on if their breakup was amicable or messy, but I like to picture Cara pressed a handful of her eyebrow hairs into St. Vincent’s palm and whispered “Remember me?” before her taxi pulled away.
This would be breakup number…three? I think? It’s confusing. 24-year-old Cara and 33-year-old St. Vincent started dating early last year, then they broke up a couple months later. Then they got back together. Then they broke up in July of 2015. Then they got back together. And now they’re broken up again. Stay tuned for next week when there will be a 50% chance that I will be typing the words “Cara Delevingne and St. Vincent are doing each other again.”
Neither Cara not St Vincent have confirmed this news themselves. But I’m sure that hasn’t stopped Kris Jenner from texting Cara and asking if she’d be willing to channel some of that recently single energy into some more gayelle-for-publicity action with Kendall Jenner. “Hi Cara! Tried to work the Harry Styles angle again, but it seems like people don’t care. Give me a call if you’d be willing to get some attention in the near future!”
As with everything, my thoughts about this are best expressed through the face that our Patron Saint of Life, Bea Arthur, is making.
The only covers of “Thank You For Being A Friend” we need are Betty White’s death metal version and the porn version, but indie nymph St. Vincent decided that the ears of the world really needed a version that’d make you want to drop your forkful of cheesecake, go out to the lanai, lay down on the tiles and wait for the earth to swallow your body whole.
St. Vincent took “Thank You For Being A Friend” sucked every milliounce of joy out of it and stuffed it with a hundred hipster frowns. Since I think of everything in terms of dick, if “Thank You For Being A Friend” was a peen, it’d be a tall, hard, happy one and its lips would always be smiling. St. Vincent transformed it into a soft, cold, grey, depressed one who is always lying on its owner’s thigh and only lifts its head to groan at the sunshine. Listen and weep:
— St. Vincent (@st_vincent) July 11, 2016
No, there are no words in St. Vincent’s dirge cover, but if there were, one lyric would go like this: “And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew, you would see me creeping everyone out by crying in the corner while petting your cat.”
The hell kind of GD Golden Girls theme song is that?!
The most played song in my iTunes is a song by Atomic Kitten, so I’m not the one to be judging music, but no to St. Vincent’s cover. If I ate a whole cheesecake, put on a silky caftan and farted into a recorder while standing in front of a fan, it would probably sound more like “Thank You For Being A Friend” than St. Vincent’s version does. I guess that’s the point, but she should still be jailed for that!
The good news for St. Vincent is that when Hollywood eventually stomps on what’s left of our souls by turning the Golden Girls into a depressing drama directed by Lars Von Trier, her cover can be used for the closing credits.