Category: Prince Philip
Princess Anne Wishes That Younger Royals Would Go Back To Basics
“Well, she’s obviously talking about us since William and Kate never left BASIC,” said a catty Prince Hot Ginge before throwing his copy of Vanity Fair onto a lounger and snapping at his Los Angeles pool boy to slather more SPF Infinity & Beyond onto his freckled bottom crumpets. Listen, during these times, just let me have my PHG/pool boy fantasy.
Vanity Fair’s May cover story is devoted entirely to THE QUEEN’s only daughter Princess Anne, and even though there’s a lot of messiness going on in the royal family right now (PHG and Meghan Markle leaving, Prince Andrew being a part-time resident of Pedophile Island, etc…), Princess Anne didn’t get into anything like that and her profile doesn’t really deliver anything new. But she did throw a look of disagreement at the young tricks of the royal family for trying to be *~diFferEnt~* instead of just shutting up and cutting that damn ribbon at a hospital wing opening.
Sorry, Duchess Meghan And Prince Hot Ginge, But Only FMs (Future Monarchs) Will Make An Appearance During THE QUEEN’s Speech
It was reported that THE QUEEN had a fucking time writing her annual Christmas Day speech, and not only just because she had one too many breakfast gins and Prince Philip kept saying to her, “Pull my finger, love!”, as his day nurse stood by with a clean pair of bloomers because the nurse knows that “pull my finger” usually leads to some sticky toffee pudding in the prince’s chonies royale. But THE QUEEN apparently had some issues with her annual speech because of three little things called “her grandsons scrappin‘,” “her ginger grandson and granddaughter-in-law BRINGING DOWN THE MONARCHY with their rebel ways,” and “everyone finding out that her youngest son is probably perv trash and is really bad at lying.” I mean, isn’t the royal family supposed to be masters at lie-telling and fooling the public? And Prince Andrew is embarrassing his family by being bad at it. For shame!
The Queen’s Speech (2019) doesn’t hit screens until Christmas Day, but because everything needs a trailer nowadays, the Palace has put out a teaser including a piece of what she says and a shot of her sitting next to frames that don’t have pictures of Prince Hot Ginge or Duchess Meghan in them. So is this THE QUEEN’s shady way of letting us know that those two ain’t shit to her since they’re eating moose poutine in Canada for Christmas instead of spending it with her? Or is there another totally different reason for why she didn’t include them. SPOILER ALERT: It’s the second one.
98-Year-Old Prince Philip Is Currently In The Hospital, And The Queen Is Out Of Town
Prince Philip might be hanging his Christmas stocking on the end of a hospital bed this year. People magazine says that Buckingham Palace confirmed this morning that Queen Elizabeth’s 98-year-old husband checked into a London hospital today, and they’re not sure when he’ll be out.
Prince Andrew Is Having A Grand Old Time In Spain As Evidence Of An Epstein Mansion Foot Massage Comes Out
After trying to use his own mother THE QUEEN as a human shield (granted her hats do make for an effective barrier), Prince Andrew has enlisted the help of another woman in his life to make it seem like everything is very normal and fine. Timed oh-so conveniently with the release of a 2013 email which places Andrew in his pal (and current corpse) Jeffrey Epstein‘s Manhattan mansion getting a foot massage by two “young well-dressed Russian women”, Andrew flew the coop with his ex-wife, Original Fergie, and (private) jetted off on a golfing holiday in southern Spain, where the only thing that’s appalling is his par. Well, that and the way his nipples show through his polo shirts.
Prince Philip Reportedly Didn’t Want Prince Hot Ginge To Marry Meghan Markle
Seen above at Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan’s wedding last year, Prince Philip may have hatched a plan to save his grandson from marrying Meghan by interrupting the wedding, but then he went mimi times about 3 seconds in and later got distracted with opening some hardy candy. Because society journalist Sophia Money-Coutts (what a perfect name for a socialite) claims that the other PP told PHG to not marry Meghan. You might be thinking that Philip didn’t want Meghan to join the royal family because her 23andMe results wouldn’t come back as her being whiter than an albino dolphin’s bleached b-hole, but that’s crazy. We have always known Philip to be the King of Diversity and accepting of all people. Philip apparently didn’t want PHG to marry Meghan because he’s actressphobic.
Prince Philip Has Finally Surrendered His Driver’s License
Buckingham Palace (via Reuters) has revealed that vehicular terror and Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip, 97, has voluntarily given up his license to drive after getting into a car crash last month. And by “voluntarily,” they mean before his wife Queen Elizabeth, 92, sent a formidable-looking Corgi over to his cottage at Sandringham to snatch it out of his wallet with its sharp little teeth.