Before multi-billionaire Jeff Bezos and his shady wonk-eye stirred cautious excitement in the hearts and bladders of beleaguered Amazon warehouse workers everywhere by announcing they were both stepping down as CEO, The Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon had attended a house party where he claimed to have witnessed Jeff speaking provocatively to his own creepy, invasive invention, Alexa. 2021, no one asked for this.
To help those who are truly confused about the subjects of this alleged wedding, 24-year-old Noah Centineo is an actor who has appeared in several Netflix movies, most notably playing the cute boy love interest in To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before. He’s also the new He-Man. 22-year-old Stassie Karanikolaou, known on Instagram as Stassiebaby, is the friend Kylie Jenner chose to replace Jordyn Woods as her official best friend and Instagram selfie partner. Most people probably weren’t even aware that Noah and Stassiebaby were a thing. But they definitely know now, because Noah and Stassiebaby have been forever joined as husband and wife by one of Las Vegas’ finest legally ordained wedding officiants. Okay, it’s probably not going to be a forever thing. Rumor has it that Noah and the Jenner-Kardashian barnacle allegedly tied the knot as a joke, and are now freaking out because – duh! – getting married in Las Vegas is very much a legally-binding thing.
The Teen Choice Awards always draws a perplexing crowd of adults and very few actual teens. And the adults these unseen teens have chosen this year only reaffirms the stereotype that teens make questionable choices. And judging from some of these blue carpet looks, it’s not just the teen’s choices we should be questioning. Taylor Swift was awarded the first ever Teen Choice Icon award, and possibly a cease and desist letter from Barbra Eden for stealing her look. What else can I say, one day she looks like Pollyanna, the next day she looks like a rich older lady sitting at a bar in The Forum at Caesar’s Palace working on her fourth whiskey sour and her third husband. Do you like her outfit? She got it at Versayce.
It seems like nowadays whenever Hollywood is looking to cast someone in a big budget or big budget-ish movie, they don’t look for someone who fits the role. They don’t even look for someone who fits the role if you grease them up with Crisco, four kinds of lube, and a prayer before grabbing an industrial-strength shoehorn to shove them into that role. They just look for a ton of Instagram followers, and since Noah Centineo has over 16 million Instagram followers, he’s “in talks” to play He-Man in the reboot of Masters of the Universe. I wonder if during those “talks” a voice of reason popped up to say, “Err, so we’re talking to Noah Centino about playing He-Man? Not He-Child, right? Like this isn’t a Muppet Babies version of He-Man? Also, what drugs are you all on and why aren’t you sharing them with me?”
Anyone who has been hungover on a Sunday the last few months and spent the day drooling on the couch watching whatever Netflix tells you will recognize Noah Centineo. The guy who seems and sounds like a mid-puberty Mark Ruffalo was the breakaway star of Netflix’s To All The Boys I’ve Ever Loved Before, and he even appeared in Camila Cabello’s “Havana” music video. People magazine noticed and have him in their “Sexiest Man Alive” issue. Noah was on James Corden’s Late Late Show with Busy Philipps the other night, and he said he’s single. Busy chimed in that it’s partly because he ghosted one of her friends, and – not only did it get awkward – Noah’s team is now being accused of trying to bury the evidence!
If you’ve got Netflix (and if you don’t, you should move to a remote jungle in Central America and commune with tree frogs because what else are you going to talk about with people) you might have seen two of their latest offerings – romantic comedies To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before and Sierra Burgess Is a Loser. The two shows have actor Noah Centineo in common. He stars in both, and has supposedly blown up as Teen Dream 2018. (Does this mean less Bieber? Thank you, Noah.) Noah went on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and showed how ungrateful he truly is by telling a story in which he told his fans to stop following him in cars. I kid, but really, what’s a little potential vehicular manslaughter compared to having to go back to being a regular, Noah?!?!