You don’t necessarily have to watch The Crown to keep up with Royal-family drama because their real lives are way more interesting. In today’s episode of Prince William and Kate Middleton‘s ongoing Caribbean saga, the Cambridges are ready to mend their tattered relationship with the three Caribbean nations they visited recently.
Well, the Royal Tour (a.k.a. Prince William and Kate Middleton Get Run Out Of The Caribbean Tour) is finally over! Prince William and Kate have been visiting various countries associated with the British Commonwealth over the last few weeks, including Belize, Jamaica, and the Bahamas. The royal couple expected to be greeted by happy local citizens but instead were met with people who aren’t going to take it anymore! Waves of protests and calls for reparations marred their tour. Just a normal day for the modern-day royal family!
A Royal Mystery solved! Just as the gossip site Hollywood Unlocked got an EXCLUSIVE that THEE QUEEN had perished (she has not), Duchess Kate Middleton announced that she was feeling “very broody” and joked that whenever she meets a baby, she comes home to William and says “let’s have another one.” Now we know that Kate’s Royal Womb has already produced three possible successors to The Throne, Prince George, 8, Princess Charlotte, 6, and Prince Louis, 3. And given that their father Prince William still has to wait in line behind his pops for his shot, there’s an awful lot of spare heirs coming up behind him. And so I have a theory as to who tipped off the press with a false report that the line of succession is in motion.
You know the British Royal Family is pressed for some good PR because they have risked the very fabric of the monarchy by sending 4 of their highest ranking members to a movie premiere. And the movie is fucking cursed! I guess they’re running low on Egyptian antiquities to pilfer and instead decided to tempt the gods by sending Princes Charles and William, and Duchesses Camilla and Kate to go rub elbows with the Hollywood hoi polloi at the London premiere of No Time To Die, the James Bond movie that was supposed to have come out in 2019 and make Ana de Armas a star. And here we are, 2 years and 200 pap strolls later, and neither of those things has happened!
With Meghan Markle and Prince Harry out of the line of fire and lying dormant somewhere in L.A., I guess it’s Duchess Kate and Prince William’s turn to play human shield and protect The Firm from Prince Andrew’s insatiable appetite for pizza. Page Six reports that Kate was photographed without her engagement ring! Is Kate and William’s marriage in trouble, or is there something even more sinister afoot? I mean, yes, obviously the latter is true (see Prince Andrew above), but with a good percentage of the world on lockdown, this is what it’s come to. A Duchess removes her heirloom ring. Coronavirus has got us fucked up.
So The Daily Mail is dragging Duchess Meghan today, because they say Our Pretty Little Royal Pony has decided to use her own lady gynecologist instead of old dude royal gynecologists that I guess every pregnant royal, including Duchess Kate, THE QUEEN and Anne Boleyn have used to yank the royal babies out of their royal vagines. And just like that, the Duchess Meghan Is Faking Her Pregnancy truthers got some more ammunition.