Leave It To Dita Von Teese To Serve Up Flawless Retro Goth Alice In Wonderland Table Runner Realness

I don’t know if that’s actually a look, but it is now. Katy Keene’s closest living relative Dita Von Teese showed up at the amfAR Gala in Cannes today looking like a recently-divorced teacher from Ever After High who has decided to use up all her vacation days on a two week trip to Las Vegas with her best gals, Dottie and Trixie, and I love it. It’s like Alice in Wonderland meets Cry Baby meets a good push-up bra and a box of Clairol Nice n’ Easy #122. I feel like at any moment, a white rabbit is going to pop out of her cleavage and offer me a martini.

She also totally reminds me of one of the bedrooms in my aunt’s old house. My aunt had two fancy guest bedrooms, the white room and the blue room. I didn’t like staying in the white room because there were two old Raggedy Ann dolls that freaked me out, so I always picked the blue room. The blue room was opulent as hell; it was like Versailles farted on Liberace. Everything was covered in blue satin and embroidered with fancy beads and tassels and various decorative shim-shams. It was a wash-your-hands-twice-and-don’t-touch-nothing kind of room.

Basically what I’m trying to get at is that Dita Von Teese looks very classy and all, but she’s missing a decorative bolster pillow placed carefully on her boobs.

Here’s more of Dita at the amfAR Gala in Cannes, as well as a bunch of other fancy dressed famous types, like Rita Ora, Adrien Brody, the tallest of the Kalabasas Klan, and Robin Thicke. Yes, Robin Thicke is still getting invited to things.

Pics: Splash

That Taylor Swift Video That Stars Every Chick Alive Is Finally Out

During the past couple of weeks or so, Taylor Swift has pussy burped up poster after poster after poster of all the “characters” in her video for her song Bad Blood (working title: Die Katy Perry Die). It felt like there were approximately 10,999 posters and I thought that I would die of old age before the last one was released. Well, she finally released them all and the video was finally shown at the beginning of the Billboard Music Awards tonight. Since everybody and their back-up dealer was in it, I figured it would be 2 and a half hours long, but it wasn’t. It was seven billion cameos shoved into a 4-minute long video. 98% of the women in it, don’t need to be in it, but I guess it’s Taylor Swift’s way of telling us that she’s really, really popular and a bunch of famous, famous-ish (and not really famous-ish at all) people will be in her video if she asks them.

This video is what would end up in the toilet if Brit Brit’s video for “Toxic” gorged itself on The Hunger Games and washed it down with a glass of Katy Perry’s tears mixed with Kill Bill before barfing. Taylor Swift plays some kind of spy who gets double-crossed by her fellow spy played by Selena Gomez. Tay Tay is about as threatening as a sedated ladybug in a tutu and her badass face look like “I’m constipated but trying to be sexy” Selena Gomez is slightly more threatening than a sedated ladybug in a tutu and she looks like she’s starring as Velma Kelly in a kindergarten production of Chicago. Behold:

If a 12-year-old girl with millions of dollars and access to a camera crew and a whole lot of leather catsuits made a fun video of her and her girlfriends playing “spies” during her slumber party, that is what that video would look like. With that being said, Cindy Crawford and Mariska Hargitay look hot.

And It’s That Time Of Year Again…

Right now, Leonardo DiCatchAHo is getting a plank installed on the side of his yacht for his piece-of-the-hour to walk off of after he’s done with her, and that could only mean one thing: IT’S CANNES TIMES! It’s that time of year when actor types pimp out their movies, low-rent fame whores frolic on yachts sailboats dinghies and movie critics get life from cutting bitches up in their reviews (see: last year’s glorious Grace of Monaco reviews).

The Cannes Film Festival opened tonight with the premiere of Sharknado 3. No, I wish. It opened with the premiere of La Tete Haute. Lupita Nyong’o started this shit off right by giving us some “Mrs. Roper goes to Miami in 1977″ glamour in a Gucci gown that was decorated with what looks like herpes-ridden flowers. Lupita also took us all back to 7th grade science class by serving up some sternum for days. Lupita twirled, twirled, twirled on the red carpet and she twirled so much that she created a strong wind that blew all the way to Atlanta and knocked over self-proclaimed twirl queen Kenya Moore.

Lupita looks fine and everything, but I have one very important question: WHERE IN “DOES SPIRIT AIRLINES FLY TO CANNES?” HELL IS PHOEBE PRICE?! How can Cannes even start without its queen there to fill a seat? Chicken Cutlets is usually at Cannes every single year, because she has a poultry heart made of gold and knows that the festival needs her A-list beauty, glamour and talent. So where art thou, Chicken Cutlets? She probably decided that Cannes is over and it’s all about the Burbank International Film Festival now.

And here’s some others that are NOT Phoebe Price at the opening ceremony tonight. I’m still trying to figure out which superhero Karlie Kloss came dressed as.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Taylor Swift Went HIGH ART For Her Video For “Style”

I may or may not have listened to Taylor Swift’s “Style” so much that I know the lyrics. (Note: That sentence will be used as one of the “reasons for why” by my friends and family who wish to legally excommunicate me from their lives.) So I was afraid that her video for that shit would be an homage to Rebel Without A Cause. No one should ever do a Rebel Without A Cause-like music video again, because there’s no topping Paula Abdul and nobody can ever come close to recreating her and Keanu Reeves’ piping hot chemistry and their riveting line delivery. Tay Tay probably knew this and so her ass wisely went the other way.

“Style” is supposed about Harry Styles (Style, Styles, get it? Get it?) and E! says that the paper plane necklace in the video is an eye roll-inducing “nod” to him. Trick dropped that in there, because she knew her crazy fans and those crazy Directioners will screen cap it and tweet and Tumblr it a million times over. Speaking of Tumblr, the video for “Style” looks like something Tumblr would shit up after it ate a Lana Del Rey video and an Urban Outfitters summer catalog. The video doesn’t even come close to matching the song and shit looks like a commercial for True Detective’s new fragrance for a man or a woman called Flat Circle.

In other Tay Tay news, she and her scissor sister (Side note: Scissor sisters in a “share scissors to make construction paper crafts” sort of way and not scissor sisters in a bump pussies sort of way ) Karlie Kloss are on the cover of Vogue, because nothing makes Anna Wintour’s Death Eater pussy pop like seeing two pretty blonde white girls on the cover of her magazine. Tay Tay and Karlie recreated their BFF trip to Big Sur for Vogue and also talked about their friendship. The interview is kind of boring. They just talk about how they’re samesies and they dress the same and love making cookies (not a euphemism).

Here’s one picture from the shoot, which will be the perfect poster for a reboot of Single White Female starring them:

And here’s the rest of the pictures. It’s kind of giving me a Thelma & Louise vibe, but instead of being rapist-killing bad asses running from the law, they’re two rich girls who bake cookies and whisper Sex and the City quotes into each other’s ears while cuddling on a $5,000 bedspread.

Taylor Swift’s Birthday Party Was Just A Low-Key, Non-Celeb Event….

And of course I mean the opposite of that.

The head cheerleader and runner-up homecoming queen of Celeb High, Taylor Swift, turns 25 today and she started celebrating early by throwing herself a party at her Tribeca penthouse last night. After performing at the Z100 Jingle Ball earlier in the night, Tay Tay of Sunnybrook Farms showed up to her penthouse which looked like the Grammy’s threw up in it. Beyonce, Jay-Z, Sam Smith, Justin Timberlake and the HAIM chicks were all there. So were Tay’s not-partner-in-pussy Karlie Kloss, Emma Roberts, Nick Jonas, Ansel Elgort, Chrissy Teigen, Selena Gomez and more. If you replaced the Tribeca penthouse, the famous hos and the top shelf booze in crystal goblets with a 6-floor walkup apartment, three plebs and a chihuahua and Smirnoff in red cups, it’d be just like my 25th birthday party.

Because Taylor wants all of us to know that her 25th birthday party was better than our 25 birthday party, she Instagrammed this picture. Don’t ask me why Justin Timberlake is wearing a Justin Bieber mask.

That picture becomes 100% better when you imagine how Kim Kartrashian felt while looking at it. Beyonce and Jay-Z skipped her STUNT QUEEN wedding yet they went to Taylor Swift’s 25th birthday party. The Botox mask Kim calls a face probably cracked as she screamed internally.

And as JT partied with Tay Tay and Beyonce, Jessica Biel’s lonely knocked up ass sat at home hoping that he’ll bring her a slice of birthday cake.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Taylor Swift And Karlie Kloss Are Not Making Out In This Crystal Clear, Hi-Res Picture, So Says Her Rep

I know, that could be White Oprah sucking coke out of Bruce Jenner’s nostril for all we know.

But Twitterer @kathyparkk (via ONTD) says that Taylor Swift and her supermodel BF4EVA and road trip partner Karlie Kloss were making out at the 1973 show in NYC last night. It’s been rumored that Tay Tay is dating Matt Healy of 1975 and that’s why she was there last night. So either this picture is nothing or Tay Ty is bumping wet parts with both or all those dudes she’s dated were bearding for her when we all thought she was bearding for them. If it’s the latter then M. Night Shyamalan is definitely involved, because this is a true plot twist.

Here’s a bigger version of Tay Tay and Karlie, who has a boyfriend, possibly doing each other with their mouths.

Hmmm, now that I look at that picture again. It could very well be the ghost of Sylvia Browne siphoning the life out of a young Dutch boy.

Taylor’s rep immediately shot down the Kaylor rumors by telling Gossip Cop that Taylor and Karlie are just really good friends, they’re not partners in pussy and the rumors that they made out last night are “hilarious.”  Hilarious? Yeah, the thought of Tay Tay and Karlie kissing is really hilarious. But you know what isn’t hilarious? The fact that every time I see the word “hilarious” I think of Alec Baldwin’s fame whore pretzel of a wife.

And I can almost hear Taylor’s ultra conservative fans screaming, “See, this is what happens when you move to New York. The Big Apple turns you into a big ole’ LEZZIE!”

Here’s Taylor and Karlie at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in London the other day.

Pics: Wenn.com