We interrupt our regularly scheduled program of doom, gloom, and full-throttle fuckery to bring you some actually happy news. “Happy news, I haven’t been touched by that in a while,” said everyone’s ear holes and eyeballs. Three-time Oscar winner Kirsten Dunst (yes, I tell myself that Kiki won Oscars for Drop Dead Gorgeous, Bring It On, and Dick) married Jesse Plemons after six years together. Yes, they’ve been together for six years, which may drop a load of SHOCK onto anyone who thought their blondie love first bloomed after they met at this year’s Oscars when Kiki was working as a seat filler!
Pretty much every time we’ve had to hear about former owner of West Coast Choppers/Current CEO of Jesse James Firearms Unlimited, Jesse James (or Vanilla Gorilla, as he’s unlovingly been referred to here at Dlisted during his long tenure of improprieties), it’s usually because he said something gross, did something gross, or screwed one or multiple gross women while still being married. In more positive news, I guess (for who, I’m not sure), he just tied the knot with former porn star, Bonnie Rotten.
Last December, Aziz Ansari announced during one of his stand-up shows that he was engaged to his girlfriend, Swedish forensic data scientist, Serena Skov Campbell. Does a “forensic data scientist” ever get tired of being introduced as a “forensic data scientist?” She better get used to it; it’s probably going to keep happening since the number of people in the celeb stratosphere with bona fide brains seems to dwindle lower and lower. But now, we can pop some of Aziz’s Parks & Recreation character Tom Haverford’s SnakeJuice, because Aziz and Serena were recently married in Italy.
If Kris Jenner had been using her head, she might have mapped out a 36-point, 18-month plan to get Kourtney Kardashian as much attention as possible for her engagement to Travis Barker, aka Kourtney’s most relevant and interesting storyline in years. However, that might have required Kourtney to commit to more work than she’s used to, which so far has consistently registered somewhere between “very little” and “the bare minimum” (sorry Kim). So Kourtney only messed around with one shameless wedding stunt before moving on to the real thing. And again, Kourtney brings deep shame and dishonor to her family, because it wasn’t a tacky, over-the-top wealth-wasting public spectacle. TMZ says that Kourtney and Travis officially traded “I dos” on Sunday in a low-key ceremony.
Ewan McGregor and Mary Elizabeth Winstead belong to the PCCH, the Private Couples Club of Hollywood, which means that when they do something, you’re likely not going to hear about it until a loose-lipped source spills the beans and reveals what was previously being kept private. Like last year, when we found out that – surprise! – Ewan and Mary Elizabeth had welcomed a baby boy in June 2021 they named Laurie. So no one should really be that surprised that – redundant surprise! – a source claims that Ewan and Mary Elizabeth quietly got married over the weekend, which was pretty much what everyone expected they were probably going to do.
Jack White had a very busy Friday. He released his new album, Fear of the Dawn, performed the national anthem at the Detroit Tigers Opening Day game, kicked off his Supply Chain Issues tour with a concert at Detroit’s Masonic Temple Theater, brought his girlfriend, musician Olivia Jean, onstage for a duet of The White Stripes hit “Hotel Yorba”, proposed to Olivia in the middle of the song, and then literally married her in front of a sold-out crowd of over 4,500 fans. Damn. All I did on Friday was order Pizza Hut and watch ten episodes of Frasier. Jack wins by a (creepy blue) hair.