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November 24, 2022 / Posted by:

Paula Abdul’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Performance!

At the end of Thanksgiving today, many of us will use the teeny tiny bit of energy we have left to open up our eating holes to say, “I really ATE that,” after filling our stomach bags with massive amounts of turkey, butter, carbs, and the sweet nectar. But the one who really ATE today is Paula Abdul, who became the queen of Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade after she tap synched on a gold turkey float while moving her lips to Straight Up. Here I was hoping that this year’s parade would feature a make-up session between Al Roker (who missed the parade for the first time in 27 years because blood clots are fucking with him) and his butter arch rival, but I’ll gladly take the turkey-flavored LSD trip of Paula Abdul dancing in front a Jennie-O float and a ladder instead.

There are a couple of headlines out there today that say Paula Abdul was “roasted” by Twitter for her performance. Well, the ones who will really be roasted are the tasteless bitches who dared to drag Paula Abdul. Their souls will be roasting on a rusty grill in the Ninth Circle for this! Paula Abdul is 60 years old and has dealt with osteoarthritis (see: those Voltaren commercials), a mysterious plane crash that there’s no record of, falling off a stage, and the STD that is Simon Cowell. And she still got up at the hour of the ungodly this morning to slip into tons of fucking sequins and deliver sweet moves around International Male-clad dancers while lip-synching FOR. HER. LIFE. (which all Thanksgiving Day parade performers do). And messy Flavor Flav really loved it too. Get yourself a serving of this piping-hot weirdness:

When I collapse tonight, I’ll remember Paula Abdul tap dancing to Straight Up on a gold turkey float and think to myself, “Oh, that must have just been a tryptophan-induced fever dream.”

Pic: Twitter

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