Vanessa Paradis And Winona Ryder Will No Longer Testify In Johnny Depp’s Libel Trial, But They’ve Both Defended Him In Statements
The courtroom battle in London between Johnny Depp and The Sun over The Sun calling him a “wife-beater” rolls on. Johnny’s team has continued to defend him over the accusations that he was a “wife-beater” and violent toward Amber Heard during their marriage. Amber’s team continues to deny that she was the violent wreck and that he was the abusive one. This shit show is such a shitty mess that an actual shit has made an appearance during the trial.
Johnny’s lawyers were expected to call his exes, Vanessa Paradis and Winona Ryder, to testify as character witnesses for him via video call, but that’s not going to happen anymore. Johnny’s team has decided their appearances will not be necessary. So the court won’t get to see Winona Ryder’s face go through a rollercoaster of emotions as she’s asked about Johnny’s alleged abusive ways.
Pictured above is French cigarette (Gauloises, if you prefer) in human form Vanessa Paradis with her daughter Lily-Rose Depp on their way to a screening of “The Rum Diaries” … across their faces. Get it?! Get it?! Five heads so big the movie is playing ON THEIR FACES? Just take it from the guy behind them- that was a totally solid five head “joke.” No, they were actually attending Paris Fashion Week, and that’s not the story here. The story is that Vanessa got married for the first time.
Last night, amfAR’s annual Cinema Against AIDS Gala happened in Cannes, and Katy Perry showed up looking like the mother of the bride if the bride was the red dress cha cha dancing emoji. I’m sure Katy’s dress is very ~expensive~ and is handcrafted from only the finest of materials, but for some reason it’s setting off my Michaels craft store radar. “‘For some reason” – listen to me, acting like it has nothing to do with the $80 worth of silk peony petals attached to her body.
I used to be obsessed with fake flowers. Maybe it was because I watched so much Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous while my 6-year-old brain was still developing. Although I have no idea what episode triggered by silk flower obsession. My obsession with wigs, however – that definitely happened during the Raquel Welch episode. Regardless of when it happened, I used to collect fake flowers and I thought they were so glamorous and high class. Placing a single plastic-stemmed rose on my book shelf truly added an instant touch of elegance to my collection of Baby-Sitters Club books. So as much as I want to laugh at Katy’s dress and make a joke about how it looks like something that was stolen out of a repurposed Snapple bottle vase in the bathroom of a budget banquet hall, I just can’t. My love of fake flowers won’t let me.
Here’s more of Katy Perry, and everyone else who was at the amfAR Gala. Thanks to Uma Thurman, we now know what it would look like if Day-To-Night Barbie quit her job to focus solely on the Night part.
Okay, I’m sure it was really for the paparazzi, but just let me believe.
Just a few days after Johnny Depp’s piece Amber Heard was seen with a shiny, diamond ring on her hitchin’ finger, his partner of 14 years Vanessa Paradis strolled out of a restaurant in L.A. with new hair, a friend who looks like a high-paid personal yoga instructor/tambourine player for an indie folk band and a fuck you for the paps. I’m all for Gappy cutting the greasy fleas and scabies (aka the Johnny Depp) out of her hair, but I don’t know about this look. It’s kind of giving me “Harpo Marx after a lazy blowout.” Even worse, if she entered a “Michael K in the fourth grade” look-alike contest, she’d place in the top 3 and nobody should want that for themselves.
This piece of gossip comes from the chronicle of journalistic integrity that is the British tabloid Now Magazine (via DM), so it’s obviously made of one hundred percent truthfulness and you should submit it to the CNN tip line after you’re done here. No joke, it was probably on CNN this morning. So, you know how the tabloids painted Vanessa Paradis as a crusty, nagging, fun-hating witch who drove Johnny Depp into Amber Heard’s twat of solace by whining at him about everything? Well, a source tells Now that Vanessa has stopped screaming at Johnny and is cursing Amber Heard’s name instead. I feel a cover of “The Boy Is Mine” called “The Hobo Is Mine” by Vanessa & Amber coming on. The source puts it like this:
“Vanessa’s devastated that Johnny’s dumped her. She blames Amber and calls her a man-stealing, two-bit nobody and has vowed to not let her anywhere near their children.”
A two-bit nobody? Since when does Vanessa talk like a character from Mama’s Family? Vanessa should’ve went all the way by calling her a two-bit nobody tramp harlot from around the way.
Since I only look at the superficial layer of any situation, I see shit like this. Vanessa had Johnny at the height of his freshness and supreme hotness, and Amber Heard, if she’s doing him, has him when he’s looking like the way he’s looking now. It’s kind of like if I ate a freshly made Double Double from In-N-Out twenty minutes ago and started foaming at the mouth with jealous rage when somebody sat next to me and started nibbling on a half-eaten, stale, moldy, Double Double they found in the dumpster. Okay, it’s nothing like that, because I’d still make jealous eyes at a trick eating a rotten Double Double and I’d still hit current day Johnny Depp. Scratch everything I said and just look at these pictures from the Paris Cinema Festival of Vanessa looking like the Evil Spirit from the Care Bears movie.
Lainey at Lainey Gossip read and covered UsWeekly’s cover story about the tragic demise of VaJohnny, and you’ll believe all of it if you believe that Vanessa Paradis nagged at Johnny Depp so much that he finally walked the plank of their marriage and dove face-first into a sea of snatch. Vanessa whine cried at Johnny about living on a private island with just the kids, so he drowned his sorrows in his publicist’s chocha. Vanessa whine cried at Johnny about wanting to move to Los Angeles, so he drowned his sorrows in Amber Heard’s twat. It was kind of like a drinking game. Every time Vanessa bitched about something, Johnny did a shot of punane. Lainey broke UsWeekly’s mess of a story down like this:
-V wanted to break up 2 years ago because she was unhappy
-V complained all the time about their low key lifestyle. She didn’t want to stay on a private island and quietly raise their babies. She was bored and restless.
-V was the one who wanted to move to LA and that’s when it all unravelled.
-V was the one who insisted that he make big budget Disney movies because she loved the money. Johnny wasn’t interested but only did them for her.
(Please tell me you’re shaking your head and rolling your eyes now.)
-When those movies became big ass deals, V then resented J for his success.
Says an Us Weekly source:
“Nothing Johnny did was ever good enough for Vanessa. When he was working, she wasn’t happy. And when he wasn’t working, he was called a slob for not doing enough for the kids and her family.”
Frustrated and in pain, the only outlet Johnny had was other woman – someone who played a mermaid in Pirates, maybe Eva Green, Amber Heard, his publicist…
That shit reads like it was taken directly from his publicist’s strategy book marked “How To Spin It So JD Doesn’t Look Like He’s Crashing Directly Into A Mid-Life Crises.” UsWeekly forgot to include the one where Vanessa tried to kill all of Johnny’s hotness by sucking his sense of style through the portal of doom between her front teefs. Seriously, if Vanessa whined at him about everything, couldn’t she have whined at him about dressing like what it would look like if a witch turned a Sedona souvenir shop into a human?