Denise Richards exited The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills three years ago after getting into it with (newly gone) thirsty “biggest bully in Hollywood,” Lisa Rinna, AND having to deal with rumors she licked on former-RHOBH/current nightmare, Brandi Glanville’s toxic tampon holder. But now that some time has passed, she recently confirmed to Variety that she’s returning to the show. However, she won’t be awkwardly holding a diamond and spewing a cringe tagline in the show’s opening sequence this time and will instead just appear as a recurring guest.
Are you someone who really wants to be a stepparent to 10 million kids and won’t get shaken up by the sound of your girlfriend’s jaw unlocking before she breathes a hot rage of fire into the phone while again fighting with her never-gonna-be-ex-husband over the French vineyard that pisses out the pink wine that makes them a lot of money? (Pink wine, if I may add, that isn’t bad, but is overpriced and needs a bottle redesign because that shit never fits in my extremely fancy wine fridge aka the side shelf of my Frigidaire.) Oh, and you’ll also need to be able to shit money, because those 10 million kids all celebrate Christmas and have a birthday, and also own every single toy that’s ever been created since their birth, so you’re going to have to drop serious cash if you want to impress them.
If you’re good with all of that, then get yourself on sainTinder (or whatever the Tinder equivalent for saints is), because Angelina Jolie is slowly starting to date again.
Around two years after splitting up from Anna Faris, and seven months after their divorce became a done deal, and one year after his totally not staged picnic date photo-op with Katherine Schwarzenegger, Chris Pratt has made Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s eldest child his second wife. Chris and Katherine got married after a five month engagement in Montecito, CA yesterday. Yes, married after a five month engagement. The walls of Instagram must be shaking, because I have a feeling that in about four or five months, Katherine is going to become the mommy influencer of all mommy influencers.
Mayor Rahm Emanuel and the City of Chicago are keeping the foolery, fuckery, and craziness coming by dropping a $130k bill into the lap of Jussie Smollett for all the money that was spent on investigating what they claim was nothing but a shameless hoax for attention. The Cook County State’s Attorney may have dropped all 16 felony charges against Jussie for allegedly staging a hate crime with help from two bodybuilding brothers, but the FBI are investigating why charges were dropped and now the City of Chicago is threatening him with a lawsuit if he doesn’t pay that $130k bill. Well, I guess the City of Chicago has to somehow find a way to replenish their Police Misconduct Payouts fund.
Remember Jennifer Lawrence? It feels like it’s been centuries since we’ve all screamed, “That JLaw, she’s so relatable!”, over the multi-multi-millionaire famous actress showing that she’s one of us by busting out a total natural fall at the Oscars (which we’ve all done, of course) and accidentally super queefing her tampon onto the floor during an important business meeting with Oprah and Steven Spielberg (that didn’t happen, but I’m sure it happened). JLaw is in Dark Phoenix, which comes out this summer, and that Theranos biopic starring her is still in the works, but she’s mostly been taking time off and spending it pulling some post-sex dutch oven action (you know she does) on her boyfriend of about 8 months Cooke Maroney. And now Cooke Maroney is her fiancé.
I’m using an old picture of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton as wax figures, because Lindsay has a better chance of getting Paris’ wax figure to show up to her party than the real thing. But what’s the difference really.