Are you someone who really wants to be a stepparent to 10 million kids and won’t get shaken up by the sound of your girlfriend’s jaw unlocking before she breathes a hot rage of fire into the phone while again fighting with her never-gonna-be-ex-husband over the French vineyard that pisses out the pink wine that makes them a lot of money? (Pink wine, if I may add, that isn’t bad, but is overpriced and needs a bottle redesign because that shit never fits in my extremely fancy wine fridge aka the side shelf of my Frigidaire.) Oh, and you’ll also need to be able to shit money, because those 10 million kids all celebrate Christmas and have a birthday, and also own every single toy that’s ever been created since their birth, so you’re going to have to drop serious cash if you want to impress them.
If you’re good with all of that, then get yourself on sainTinder (or whatever the Tinder equivalent for saints is), because Angelina Jolie is slowly starting to date again.
Around two years after splitting up from Anna Faris, and seven months after their divorce became a done deal, and one year after his totally not staged picnic date photo-op with Katherine Schwarzenegger, Chris Pratt has made Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s eldest child his second wife. Chris and Katherine got married after a five month engagement in Montecito, CA yesterday. Yes, married after a five month engagement. The walls of Instagram must be shaking, because I have a feeling that in about four or five months, Katherine is going to become the mommy influencer of all mommy influencers.
Mayor Rahm Emanuel and the City of Chicago are keeping the foolery, fuckery, and craziness coming by dropping a $130k bill into the lap of Jussie Smollett for all the money that was spent on investigating what they claim was nothing but a shameless hoax for attention. The Cook County State’s Attorney may have dropped all 16 felony charges against Jussie for allegedly staging a hate crime with help from two bodybuilding brothers, but the FBI are investigating why charges were dropped and now the City of Chicago is threatening him with a lawsuit if he doesn’t pay that $130k bill. Well, I guess the City of Chicago has to somehow find a way to replenish their Police Misconduct Payouts fund.
Remember Jennifer Lawrence? It feels like it’s been centuries since we’ve all screamed, “That JLaw, she’s so relatable!”, over the multi-multi-millionaire famous actress showing that she’s one of us by busting out a total natural fall at the Oscars (which we’ve all done, of course) and accidentally super queefing her tampon onto the floor during an important business meeting with Oprah and Steven Spielberg (that didn’t happen, but I’m sure it happened). JLaw is in Dark Phoenix, which comes out this summer, and that Theranos biopic starring her is still in the works, but she’s mostly been taking time off and spending it pulling some post-sex dutch oven action (you know she does) on her boyfriend of about 8 months Cooke Maroney. And now Cooke Maroney is her fiancé.
I’m using an old picture of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton as wax figures, because Lindsay has a better chance of getting Paris’ wax figure to show up to her party than the real thing. But what’s the difference really.
If celebrities were awarded for their foolery each year, Benjamin McKenzie and Morena Baccarin would’ve won the award for Most Surprising Couple To Bring The ESCANDALONESS in 2015. In one swoop, we learned the following: Morena and her husband Austin Chick are over! Morena cheated on Austin with Ben! Morena is knocked up with Ben’s baby! Morena is fighting Austin for custody of their kid! Morena and Ben are probably engaged! They slowed down a bit as Morena tussled with Austin over spousal and child support (she has to pay him $23k a month), but she and Ben finally got around to getting married. Took their asses long enough!
People says that Ben and Morena’s pre-divorce ceremony went down at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens in Brooklyn on Friday, the same day as her 38th birthday. They got married in front of a small group of their family and friends. Morena and Ben, who is also 38 years old, first got together while shooting Gotham. Morena gave birth to their daughter, Frances Laiz Setta Schenkkan, in March 2016.
These two messes moved so fast that by now they should’ve already been married, divorced and with new pieces. Are we sure this is their first time getting married? Hmmm, that’s got me thinking. Someone call into TMZ’s tip line and tell them to check to see if Ben and Morena got married in 2016, got divorced that same year after she got caught passing her poon and then got back together again this year. The wedding that happened on Friday was obviously their second time getting married. That’s the only explanation for this.