Are you someone who really wants to be a stepparent to 10 million kids and won’t get shaken up by the sound of your girlfriend’s jaw unlocking before she breathes a hot rage of fire into the phone while again fighting with her never-gonna-be-ex-husband over the French vineyard that pisses out the pink wine that makes them a lot of money? (Pink wine, if I may add, that isn’t bad, but is overpriced and needs a bottle redesign because that shit never fits in my extremely fancy wine fridge aka the side shelf of my Frigidaire.) Oh, and you’ll also need to be able to shit money, because those 10 million kids all celebrate Christmas and have a birthday, and also own every single toy that’s ever been created since their birth, so you’re going to have to drop serious cash if you want to impress them.
If you’re good with all of that, then get yourself on sainTinder (or whatever the Tinder equivalent for saints is), because Angelina Jolie is slowly starting to date again.
Ever since St. Angie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt in September 2016, neither of them have gotten themselves a steady, that we know of. Brad was apparently trying to get himself an Amal Clooney by dating MIT professor Neri Oxman (who decided to go with a billionaire instead). There was also a rumor that Brad shook the kundalini of spiritual healer/jewelry designer Sat Hari Khalsa while humping on her. (And yes, I just offended many with that “joke” including my sister who does kundalini yoga. She can spit on my canned berry slice at Thanksgiving.) But others said that Brad and Sat Hari are just friends. As for St. Angie, there haven’t been any major rumors about her dating life, although, there was one that claimed she was going to marry a billionaire in France. But unless she’s planning to convert from her religion of Angelina-ity to Mormon Fundamentalism, she can’t get married since she’s still married to Brad Pitt.
A source tells Us Weekly that Angie has gone on a few dates but isn’t seeing anyone serious and isn’t looking for anything serious since she’s busy with her children, a Marvel movie, and leaking bad stories about Brad to the tabloids after he leaks bad stories about her.
The actress is looking to heal her wounds before embarking on the next chapter of her life. “She isn’t closed to the idea of meeting someone new, but it’s not her main priority. She’s all about focusing on the kids, her job, and cleaning up her messy divorce.”
Once their divorce is finalized, add the source, “she’ll get back to the dating scene, without a doubt.”
Oh, my sweet summer child, that divorce is never ever going to end. That’s why Angie and Brad should just go ahead and get themselves a main piece. That way Angie and Brad will have someone to go with them to Chateau Miraval where they’ll eventually have a huge War of the Roses-type showdown (War of the Rosé, if you will) while fighting over that place. And we all know how War of the Roses ended. But if Angie and Brad’s new pieces are there, they can push couch cushions and mattresses under the shaky chandelier as those two wrecks scrap on top of it.