Today in “takes one to know one, bitch“, Donald Trump called the dropping of all 16 felony charges against Jussie Smollett an embarrassment to our nation, and tweeted that the FBI and the Department of Justice will put their magnifying glasses over what the fuck happened there. That’s surprising since you’d think Trump would congratulate another alleged schemer for getting away with the alleged scheme they busted out. But since Trump has to shart out his thoughts on whatever’s trending on Twitter, he mouth sharted out his thoughts on the Jussie Smollett case. Expect Trump to mouth shart out his thoughts about those anti-semitic over-sliced bagels, and yes, he’s going to tweet that he loves them. He would.
The Cook County State’s Attorney’s office dropped the charges against Jussie and accepted 16 hours of community service and the $10,000 that he paid for his bail as a good enough punishment for them. The State’s Attorney Kim Foxx said that she believes Jussie paid the Osundairo brothers to attack him in a fake hate crime and says the prosecution’s case against him was “airtight” and they were convinced they’d get a guilty verdict. Kim says she didn’t make the decision to drop charges, but stands by the decision and says that it had nothing to do with Jussie’s fame or money. They do that shit a lot with nonviolent cases. Kim Foxx ended up recusing herself from the case when Jussie went from victim to suspect, because she had been talking to his family very early on.
The Chicago PD and Mayor Rahm Emanuel are farting out flaming balls of rage over the prosecution’s decision and think Jussie Smollett was spared from facing a trial because he’s famous. ABC7 Chicago says that the FBI is looking into why prosecutors decided to walk away from the case. Trump confirmed that:
FBI & DOJ to review the outrageous Jussie Smollett case in Chicago. It is an embarrassment to our Nation!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 28, 2019
Jussie is still being investigated for possibly sending himself a death threat in the mail.
Jussie should lay low and spend his days thanking God, Buddha, Allah, Jehovah, Bea Arthur, and every other god that exists for him getting off like that. But he’s not. Jussie is in Los Angeles and he’ll probably pop up at the NAACP Awards on Saturday where he’s up for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. Jussie’s lawyers are also not laying low.
His lawyer Tina Glandian was on Today this morning where she said that they’re not bothered by the FBI’s investigation and that Jussie isn’t really interested in prosecutors going after the brothers. He really just wants to move on with his life. When Savannah Guthrie asked Tina what was the move behind the brothers attacking Jussie, she said that she has her own theories (translation from lawyer to real talk: I haven’t pulled an answer out of my culo about that yet). Savannah also brought up how Jussie initially told police that he believed his attackers were white. Tina said that Jussie could only see a little piece of one of his attackers’ skin and it was “pale.” Tina says she did a Google search on the brothers and discovered a video of the brothers in white makeup as The Joker, so she’s insinuating that they could’ve been in white face when they attacked Jussie.
Tina went from “the brothers painted their face in Joker makeup once” to “they might’ve been in whiteface when attacking Jussie.” Whatever is left of my brain collapsed over that. I’m going to tell Tina the same thing I told my GPS when she tells me to turn right on a street where it’s not possible to turn right: What are you trying to do to me?!
But really, this case has been craziness wrapped in more craziness, so I wouldn’t be surprised if The Joker is an actual person and is a Trump supporter who terrorizes the streets of Chicago, instead of Gotham City, and jumped Jussie because he just hates Empire. Stranger things have happened (see: this entire case).