Chris Pratt And Katherine Schwarzenegger Are Married Now

June 9, 2019 / Posted by:

Around two years after splitting up from Anna Faris, and seven months after their divorce became a done deal, and one year after his totally not staged picnic date photo-op with Katherine Schwarzenegger, Chris Pratt has made Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s eldest child his second wife. Chris and Katherine got married after a five month engagement in Montecito, CA yesterday. Yes, married after a five month engagement. The walls of Instagram must be shaking, because I have a feeling that in about four or five months, Katherine is going to become the mommy influencer of all mommy influencers.

Us Weekly says that 39-year-old Chris and 29-year-old Katherine got married at San Ysidro Ranch in front of just 60 people. Katherine’s bridal shower in April, featuring THE MIGHTY O,  was apparently bigger.  Chris and Katherine wanted to keep it small and only included their closest friends and family like Maria and Aaaahnald, of course, Rob Lowe (who seemed to be the only Parks & Rec cast member there), her siblings, and Jack Pratt, his 6-year-old son with Anna.

Anna Faris wasn’t there, so she didn’t officiate, and it’s not known if Chad Veach, the hipster pastor of their anti-LGBTQ church (HAPPY PRIDE!) did the officiating. But I am going to guess that Chris’ vows went something like this:

“I, Star-Lord, take you, Katherine, for my lawful wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part… or until I have to give you away to a stranger on Twitter because your ass old shit on my carpet.”

Katherine and Chris are probably saving the EXCLUSIVE shots of their wedding for Instagram, but the paparazzi managed to get a peak at her white wedding dress.

According to People, it sounds like Chris and Katherine’s guests were served shit straight from his Bible Diet.

“They are using only local food. It’s a lot of fresh vegetables. They didn’t want the menu to be too heavy, or rich. It’s more of a light summer menu,” the insider shares. “For dessert, there are lighter options as well like raspberries, blueberries and red currant.”

No mention yet of the most important thing at a wedding after an open bar. I’m talking about CAKE! I mean, after suffering through Chris Pratt (most likely) slobbering out verbal Jesus streams about the sanctity of marriage, and watching Aaaahnald slobber over anything in a dress, you probably unbutton your pants (or take off your Spanx in the bathroom) in preparation to drown your sorrows in some delicious frosting. You tell yourself that sitting through that wedding was worth it because you’re about to get some cake, and then a fucking plate of some fucking berries is put in front of you. You pull out your driver’s license to double check that your name isn’t Bambi since these motherfuckers obviously think you’re a damn deer.

But congratulations to Chris and Katherine, and to the nearest Carvel, because they definitely got some major business after that wedding was over.

Pic: Wenn.com

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