Remember Jennifer Lawrence? It feels like it’s been centuries since we’ve all screamed, “That JLaw, she’s so relatable!”, over the multi-multi-millionaire famous actress showing that she’s one of us by busting out a total natural fall at the Oscars (which we’ve all done, of course) and accidentally super queefing her tampon onto the floor during an important business meeting with Oprah and Steven Spielberg (that didn’t happen, but I’m sure it happened). JLaw is in Dark Phoenix, which comes out this summer, and that Theranos biopic starring her is still in the works, but she’s mostly been taking time off and spending it pulling some post-sex dutch oven action (you know she does) on her boyfriend of about 8 months Cooke Maroney. And now Cooke Maroney is her fiancé.
Page Six was the first ones to say that 28-year-old JLaw and 33-year-old (some say he’s 34) Cooke pulled an Amy Shumer by getting engaged after a quick minute. JLaw was papped leaving a restaurant in NYC with a giant ring on her hitchin’ finger. JLaw’s rep then let everyone know that they did in fact both agree to be each other’s ball and chain.
We all heard about JLaw and Cooke last June, 7 months after we heard that she and Darren Aronofsky broke up. Cooke Maroney (which sounds like secretive slang for “coke money.” Using it in a sentence: “Hey, Lindsay, I got the Cooke Maroney, you got the hook up?“) is the art director of NYC’s Gladstone art gallery. Gladstone represents Lena Dunham’s painter dad Carroll Dunham. The Cut says Cooke’s dad was an art dealer in NYC, and later moved the family to a farm in Vermont after getting sick of the city. Cooke and JLaw met through her best friend Laura Simpson.
It’s not known exactly when we’ll see Jennifer Lawrence wearing the inevitable hideous wedding dress that Dior will design for her, but if she wants to prove that she’s so not Hollywood, she should defy the Hollywood marriage odds by staying married to Cooke for at least 16 months (that might set a record). And if she wants to piss off 30 Rock fans, she’ll take Cooke’s last name and go by Jenna Maroney from now on. I don’t even know why I’m putting that out there.