Open Post: Hosted By Dolly Parton And Kelly Clarkson’s New Version of “9 to 5”

September 9, 2022 / Posted by:

As she’s proven time and time again, Dolly Parton can absolutely do no wrong. That said, I’m not going to sit here and lie to you about her new slowed-down, chill vibes version of 9 to 5 with Kelly Clarkson and tell you it’s going to ignite a socialist revolution or anything. But it might make some poor nail tech working at the day spa snap after hearing it in heavy rotation for weeks on end and shank a bitch with a cuticle trimmer. Or it might provoke your friendly neighborhood Starbucks barista into throwing piping hot Pumpkin Spice Latte grenades at the next customer who steps up to the counter while talking on their phone. By which I mean the coming revolution will be beyond socialist. It will be a bloody, protracted, civilized society killer that will leave this planet little more than a smoldering husk where humanity once thrived. Hopefully not before I get the little Dolly Parton doggie wig I ordered for my pup off Amazon though. My girl and I are obviously all-in on the 9 to 5 triggered apocalypse, but we’re hardly going to be fighting in the trenches looking like a couple of raggedy Plain Janes. This is Dolly’s societal collapse and we’re showing up armed to the teeth and with a full beat. Come on girls, utopia awaits us in the afterlife!

This new version of 9 to 5 was recorded to accompany a new documentary, Still Working 9 to 5, about the making of the 1980 movie of the same name. The movie stars Peggy Pope as Margaret, a secretary just trying to get through her work day as best she can, and features performances by Dolly herself, Jane Fonda, and Lily Tomlin. According to Sterogum:

Kelly Clarkson announced yesterday via an interview with Variety that she has recorded a new album, her first in five years. In the same interview, Clarkson confirmed that she would release a new version of “9 To 5” with its original singer, Dolly Parton. The reimagined “9 To 5” was created especially for the new documentary Still Working 9 To 5, which will be released in select theaters on September 16.

The updated version of “9 To 5” is produced by Shane McAnally, Sasha Alex Sloan, and King Henry. “I was blown away when I heard what Shane had done with my song,” Parton recently told Rolling Stone. “This arrangement shows how differently a song can be done and the story can be told in a whole new way. And special thanks to [Dolly Parton Enterprises creative director] Steve Summers for getting the ball rolling on this musical venture.”

As I said, Dolly can do no wrong so this Shane fellow, whoever he is, is going to have to take the blame for pulling all of 9 to 5’s teeth out and replacing them with airy, ethereal CBD gummy teeth.

This is why the K&D revolution will require wigs. Lots of them. Every man, woman, child, and dog will need to be coifed for the gawds if we have any chance of seeing this thing through to the end. You try gnawing your way out of the shackles of capitalism with CBD gummy teeth and see how far you get? We’re going to dazzle the enemy with our glamour and then go in for the kill while our overlords are lulled into a sense of security by the Grey’s Anatomy Season 19 Soundtrack, available at Starbucks registers everywhere. Here’s the trailer for the documentary.

We ride at 9, atta, girls! That should leave us plenty of time to get glam before clocking in for the war to end all wars.

Pic: Smack Records via Instagram

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