Ciara Slapped Future With A $15 Million Lawsuit For Saying She’s A Bad Mother To Their Son

Well, that’s one way to clap back at a person who has been dragging you on Twitter. TMZ says that Ciara (real name: Ciara Princess Harris) has gone ahead and filed a $15 million lawsuit against her former fiance/current baby daddy Future (real name: Nayvadius DeMun Wilburn) for slander after he accused her of being a shit mother to their 1-year-old son Future Zahir. Somewhere in a pile of socks and burger wrappers, Blac Chyna sat up and thought “Hmmm…that’s a pretty good idea.”

It all started back in July after Future saw a picture of Ciara’s celibate boyfriend Russell Wilson pushing Future Jr. around in a stroller, and started cussing out Ciara on a radio show for involving their son in “publicity stunts.” Future also took to hissing at Ciara on Twitter, like accusing her of taking $15,000 a month in child support while making him go though lawyers to see their son. Ciara is finally responding to Future, and she’s doing it by coming for a lot more than $15,000 a month.

According to the details of the lawsuit, Ciara swatted back at Future’s accusations that she’s keeping their son from him by saying that she goes out of her way to make sure Future Jr. sees his daddy. Ciara claims that they’ve had at least 19 visitations since December 2014, one of which happened as recent as last week. She’s also accusing Future of starting shit as a way to promote his music.

Ciara’s lawsuit says that she wants all the nasty words Future wrote about her erased from Twitter and wants him blocked from saying anything else about her. She’s also looking for Future to stuff $15 million into her bank account. And just like that, the price of EVOL was marked up to $89.99 on iTunes and now includes a bonus track called “Please Please Please Buy This Album (I Need The Money).”

If your name is Future, this would be where you might want to look away (unless you want to make some new tweets that will probably be used against you in court of law). Here’s Ciara and Future Jr. cruising through LAX with Russell Wilson yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Leave It To Z LaLa To Bring The Magical Glamour To The VMAs

Former HSOTD, “world pop artist” and the white magic sorceress of style Z La La once again used her wizard powers to bring some much-needed sparkle to the MTV VMAs red carpet FLOR carpet. Z LaLa was a spectacular glittery flower in the middle of a field of dull weeds.

Z LaLa not only has a stage name like a Teletubby, but last night she looked like a Teletubby after getting stuck while trying to shape-shift into Lady Gaga. Z LaLa was perfection from the tippity top of her cone dildo wig to the bottom hem of her exploding Christmas ribbon dress. Someone needed to show up to that dreadful award show looking like a Conehead witch who works part-time as an emcee in a Cirque du Soleil show and thank god that Z LaLa was that someone.

Z LaLa strikes me as the kind of fashion icon who really commits to her look and goes all the way, so I’m sure the drapes match the carpet. If you lifted her dress, I’m sure you’d find a long cone of pubes hanging off of her crotch. Z LaLa is also pretty brave for wearing a long black dildo wig to an event where Kartrashians will be. I’m sure Z LaLa had security guards who kept the Kartrashians from trying to climb up her body to fuck her wig.

And one of my other favorite looks of the night came from Our Robotic Lady of Cheetos and her suffocating chichis:

Daddy Spears should give a raise to whoever is responsible for doing Brit Brit up like Double Trouble from She-Ra in the uniform she wears to serve cocktails at a 2-star casino in Reno.

And here’s 6,000 pictures from the VMAs carpet. You should just stop clicking when you get to Rebecca Black, because it doesn’t get more A-listery or relevant than her.

Pics: Wenn.com

Ronda Rousey Won “Best Diss” On The ESPYs Red Carpet Last Night

I know shit about fighting, save for what I remember from the 20 minutes of Double Dragon I played on Nintendo before I got bored and threw on Barbie’s Glamorous Quest. So I had to do a bit of research on Ronda Rousey. From what the internet tells me, Ronda Rousey is a really good MMA fighter. She’s so good, she went home with two ESPYs last night, including Best Female Athlete and Best Fighter. I also learned that Ronda can take a bitch down with her expert-level reading skills.

Ronda was presented with the award for Best Fighter on the red carpet last night, and the first thing she did after accepting it was to verbally slap the shit out of fellow Best Fighter nominee and baby mama beater Floyd Mayweather by saying:

“I can’t help but say that I wonder how Floyd feels being beat by a woman for once. I’d like to see you pretend to not know who I am now.”

I don’t know if you can get concussions from words, but Floyd Mayweather Jr. might want to swing by the hospital, just in case. The moment Ronda replaced 50 Cent at the top of Floyd Mayweather shit list happens around the 2:00 mark.

Normally this would be where I’d say “You in danger, girl” to Ronda Rousey, but we don’t even know if Floyd Mayweather even saw the ESPYs. If last night was his night to watch Justin Bieber, then the only channel they were watching was Nick Jr.

Here’s more of Ronda Rousey from last night, as well as Russell Wilson and the woman he’s not fucking, Lindsey Vonn, Halle Berry, A-Rod, and lovable party boy doofus Gronk (who was probably itching to get out of that suit and into a pair of shorts).

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Russell Wilson Wants You To Know He’s Not Having Sex With Ciara

The last time Ciara boarded the boyfriend express, the train’s conductor – a rapper named Future – swung through Baby Town (population: one baby named Future Zahir Wilburn), followed by a brief stop in Cheaterville. It ended with Ciara saying sayonara to her baby daddy. Eventually Ciara decided to hitch a ride on the boyfriend express once again, but this time she doesn’t have to worry about any baby daddy drama, because the train has no plans of pulling into her station.

People says Ciara’s current boyfriend, Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson, spoke at San Diego’s Rock Church on Sunday about a bunch of things, including his relationship with Ciara. Russell Wilson, who is a hard-core Christian, confessed that Ciara’s goodies will be staying in the jar. And apparently it was his suggestion to keep them there.

“I said to her – and she completely agreed – ‘Can we love each other without that?’ If you can love somebody without that, then you can really love somebody.”

Obviously, Ciara agreed with him, because she’s still with him.

Russell Wilson is keeping his dick in a jar  for now, but that doesn’t mean he’s still got his V card. Russell was married to his high school sweetheart, but they called it quits in April 2014.

After Russell admitted that he and Ciara have put their genitals in a storage box and slipped them into the crawlspace under the stairs, he jokingly told the audience, “I ain’t going to lie to you all now. I need you all to pray for us.” Then his penis grabbed the microphone and added, “No, for real. We need prayers. Lots of prayers. And if there are any doctors out there with access to some kind of pill that will make me forget about the fact that I really really want to have sex, that would be greatly appreciated too.”

Pic: Splash

Ciara Has Decided Her Future Includes Future After All

TMZ says that after a 21-day separation, Ciara and Future (seen here looking like a low-budget Kim and Kanye, which might be one of the shadiest ways I’ve ever described someone) have decided to take the advice of Al Green and stay together. Well, at least for now. NO! I’m sure they’re soul mates and true love conquers all and keep reaching for that rainbow bla bla bla. But for real, file this under: “future Future mistakes.”

A source close to Future (the present)(I’ll show myself out for that one) claims that he and Ciara are living together again after calling it quits on their relationship a couple weeks ago. Ciara caught Future with his dick in the cookie jar, so she called off their engagement and kicked his skirt-chasing ass out. Not great timing, considering Ciara had just birthed out a kid with Future, Future Zahir, a little over three months ago. But they’ve decided to give it another shot for the sake of Baby Future II. Because if there’s anything a baby wants, it’s two drama-loving tricks who can’t stop sticking their dicks in side pieces and throwing each other out of the house. What am I saying? Baby Back To The Future II doesn’t care – he’s too busy learning what toes are and catching up with all the hot undersea gossip from the seahorse in his Ocean Wonders Aquarium.

The source also claims Ciara believes Future is a good father (he should be; bitch has had enough practice), but she wasn’t interested in a “co-parenting” situation, so she called his ass home so they could raise Baby Back To The Future II together. Cut to the future when Future gets caught trying to co-penis with another random pussy. You know what they say – our past dictates our future, and Future’s past says Future’s penis needs to roam free!

So I Guess Ciara Isn’t Going To Spend Her Future With Future

The Baby Mothers Of Future Club will have to rent out a bigger church basement to hold their monthly support group meetings in, because they’ve got a new member. One year after getting engaged and three months after birthing out her first kid and his 500th, Ciara pink-slipped rapper Future after his wandering Christopher Columbus-ass dick traveled into another piece’s snatch. Ciara probably should’ve realized that Future is a slut with a dick that gets easily bored when he told her that his three kids have three different mothers and when his peen yawned and mouthed the word “NEXT!” right after they boned for the second time.

Several sources tell UsWeekly that Ciara dumped Future as soon as she found out that he was doing what Future does:

“He cheated on her. Game over,” an insider tells Us of the “Turn On the Lights” rapper. Another source adds: “She’s devastated. Ciara’s focus now is the baby.”

Ciara and Future met when their label set them up for a track. They started wet humping on each other shortly after that and that led to get her getting knocked up, which led to him proposing to her on her birthday. They were together for a little over a year. Ciara gave birth to their son Future Zahir Wilburn in May.

The moral of this story is: If you let a rapper named Future, who has a collection of baby mothers, bust raw nuts up into your ovaries and you come down with a CASE OF THE BABIES!!!, do not let him name your child. Do not let him do it. Because he will name your child after his stage name (not even his goddamn government name) and then your poor innocent child will have a fucked up name like Future. Well, the good news for Ciara is that the county court is open five days a week and it won’t be that hard to change her baby’s name from Future to Past.