I would not want to be a lamp or a dinner plate or a relative in Hope Solo’s house today. The possibility that this recent news has caused her to go all “Hope SMASH!” on the nearest breakable is pretty high. The New York Times says that Hope has been suspended for six months for the tantrum she threw in Rio after Team USA was eliminated from the Olympics by Team Sweden. Hope referred to Team Sweden as “a bunch of cowards.” U.S. Soccer didn’t think that was very sportsmanlike of her, and they’ve put her ass on the bench for six months as punishment.
US women’s soccer goalie and champion nephew beater Hope Solo was all kinds of wrought after her team was eliminated by Sweden last night. Solo referred to the winners as “a bunch of cowards“ after the match. Hopefully (ugh, sorry) Solo’s nephew was wearing his bite suit after the game if he accompanied the family to Rio.
Two-time Olympic gold medal-winning soccer player (and many-time gold medal-winning wreck) Hope Solo is now in Rio playing with the U.S. Women’s National Team, and before she flew off to South America to become Brazil’s latest threat, she tweeted a pic of all the bug spray she planned on packing and posted the picture above on Instagram of preparing to battle Zika-infested mosquitos. Hope added the caption: “Not sharing this!!! Get your own! #zikaproof #RoadToRio” What’s funny is that if you threw a helmet onto that get-up, that’s what I’d wear to one of Hope Solo’s family parties. I wouldn’t forget that bug repellent either, because I’d need something to spray her with as she drunkenly attacks me.
Many Brazilian soccer fans didn’t find Hope’s picture funny and they let her know with a tornado of boos during a match yesterday. You know you’ve really pissed a Brazilian off when they tell you to PLEASE LEAVE BRAZIL.
I know shit about fighting, save for what I remember from the 20 minutes of Double Dragon I played on Nintendo before I got bored and threw on Barbie’s Glamorous Quest. So I had to do a bit of research on Ronda Rousey. From what the internet tells me, Ronda Rousey is a really good MMA fighter. She’s so good, she went home with two ESPYs last night, including Best Female Athlete and Best Fighter. I also learned that Ronda can take a bitch down with her expert-level reading skills.
Ronda was presented with the award for Best Fighter on the red carpet last night, and the first thing she did after accepting it was to verbally slap the shit out of fellow Best Fighter nominee and baby mama beater Floyd Mayweather by saying:
“I can’t help but say that I wonder how Floyd feels being beat by a woman for once. I’d like to see you pretend to not know who I am now.”
I don’t know if you can get concussions from words, but Floyd Mayweather Jr. might want to swing by the hospital, just in case. The moment Ronda replaced 50 Cent at the top of Floyd Mayweather shit list happens around the 2:00 mark.
Normally this would be where I’d say “You in danger, girl” to Ronda Rousey, but we don’t even know if Floyd Mayweather even saw the ESPYs. If last night was his night to watch Justin Bieber, then the only channel they were watching was Nick Jr.
Here’s more of Ronda Rousey from last night, as well as Russell Wilson and the woman he’s not fucking, Lindsey Vonn, Halle Berry, A-Rod, and lovable party boy doofus Gronk (who was probably itching to get out of that suit and into a pair of shorts).
Insert ClayAikenMakingAJudgyYouGotWhatYouDeserveFace.jpeg here.
TMZ says that early this morning, hacked naked cell phone pictures of Kim Kartrashian ended up on 4Chan and Reddit. It’s surprising that we were all able to get onto the Internet this morning. You’d think that naked pictures of Kim Kardashian would’ve crashed all the servers and turned the Internet into a pile of rubble, because all of us definitely have never seen every single damn inch of her naked ass body.
TMZ says that also this morning, private naked pictures of Vanessa Hudgens (whose been to the hacked naked picture rodeo before) and Hope Solo ended up on 4Chan. Uproxx and The Daily Beast says that the new round of victims also includes Aubrey Plaza, Hayden Panettiere, Mary-Kate Olsen, Lake Bell, Avril Lavigne, Kaley Cuoco and Leelee Sobieski. There’s apparently also more pictures of Jennifer Lawrence. Reddit immediately shut down the new thread and since 4Chan has a new copyright infringement policy, they also deleted the pics.
So I guess this means that the FBI hasn’t caught the hacker(s) yet. If the FBI wants to find the bitch who leaked Kim Kartarshian’s pictures (Why do I feel like I’m always typing the words “leaked” and “Kim Kartrashian” in the same sentence?), all they have to do is follow the scent of self-tanner fumes, burnt nutsacks, Sasquatch saliva, desperation and Lucifer’s ass juices and it’ll lead them straight to Pimp Mama Kris’ Hidden Hills lair. Who knew that PMK was a b/tard? But PMK is truly slipping. If she wanted to create a real scandal, she should’ve leaked pictures of Kim doing shocking things like changing her own baby’s diaper or finishing the Highlights Magazine crossword puzzle.
Here’s Kim wearing some kind of tube top sausage casing skirt in a studio parking lot a couple of days ago.
Despite maintaining that she’s not at fault for getting next-level hammered and going all She-Hulk on her 17-year-old nephew last weekend, the roid-rage version of Debra Morgan and inspiration to trashy wrecks everywhere Hope Solo must have received a telegram from Western Union informing her that if she wants them to keep wiring her those delicious endorsement dollars, she’s going to need to burp out an apology. So on Thursday, Hope screamed for her assistant to type up an “I so sowwy” statement and post it to Facebook:
“I would like to apologize to my fans, teammates, coaches, marketing partners and the entire US Soccer and Seattle Reign FC communities for my involvement in a highly unfortunate incident this past weekend. I understand that, as a public figure, I am held to a higher standard of conduct. I take seriously my responsibilities as a role model and sincerely apologize to everyone I have disappointed.
I love my family dearly. We, like all families, have our challenges but my sincere hope is that we are able to resolve this situation as a family. Adversity has always made us stronger and I know this situation will be no different.
I also would like to thank everyone who has reached out with messages of support and encouragement. I truly appreciate your loyalty, concern and well wishes.
Due to pending legal issues, I cannot comment further at this time. However, I am confident in the legal process and believe my name will be cleared.
I look forward to getting back on the field where I belong with both Seattle Reign FC and the US Women’s National Team.”
Oh Jesus, at least make it sound a little like Hope Solo wrote it! It should have gone a little something like this:
“Listen up, assholes. I’m sorry my pussy nephew ratted me out to TMZ like a punk bitch, but it’s not his fault – he’s too fat and crazy to be an athlete. I’m also sorry I’m in such great shape that my strong-ass back broke a broomstick handle. Due to pending legal issues, I can’t comment any further, but I will say that I’m obviously innocent, and I look forward to re-using this statement in the future. My name may be Hope, but when it comes to the possibility of getting into a messy public fight, they call me Definitely.”