Mariah Carey’s out there promoting her memoir, “The Meaning of Mariah Carey” (I thought the meaning was whistle tones, refusing to walk on her own two feet, and Mean Girls quotes?). In the book, which will be released next Tuesday, Mariah writes about her 1993-1998 marriage to music exec Tommy Mottola, who was 20 years her senior and super controlling. In a new interview with Oprah, she explains how an extramarital fling with Derek Jeter was “the catalyst” that helped her get out of the marriage.
Today in business and sports news (sigh), Jennifer Lopez and her current fiancée, Alex Rodriguez, whose combined net worth is reportedly about $700 million, “have retained JPMorgan Chase to raise capital for a possible bid on the New York Mets.” Translation: JLo and A-Rod partnered with some big money companies to try and buy a baseball team.
Damn, when those two finally get hitched, that divorce is going to be a doozy. Continue reading
TMZ says that at long last, retired New York Yankee Derek Jeter and his model wife Hannah Davis are parents. 27-year-old Hannah gave birth to 43-year-old Derek Jeter’s first kid yesterday, a little girl named Bella Raine Jeter.
Do you think they recycled his leftover “sex thank you” gift bags for the wedding favors? Former New York Yankees deity and industrious slut Derek Jeter married Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Hannah Davis in Napa Valley yesterday. They were engaged in October of last year. Just once, I want to see one of these celebrity sportsball dudes marry a civilian. Like a bank teller. Or a supermarket bagger. Or me. My husband would fully support this and make all the necessary arrangements. He’s good like that.
People reports that Mr. and Mrs. Jeter were married in an “intimate ceremony” at the Meadowood Napa Valley Resort in St. Helena, California. The bride wore the customary Vera Wang gowns (one for the ceremony, and one for the reception).
For you dress enthusiasts, her mermaid wedding gown featured “a sweetheart neckline, tulle halter high neck and plunging back.” It was just COVERED in layers of tulle and hand-appliqued Chantilly lace. Her reception dress was a “V-neck charmeuse halter gown with white illusion tulle detail at waist and double silk georgette A-line skirt accentuated by side godets.” “White illusion” sounds like Donald Trump’s secret campaign slogan. I had to look up what “godet” means. It’s a triangular piece of cloth that induces “flare.” I need more godets in my wardrobe. We all do.
There were less than a 100 guests and not a lot of celebrity involved, mainly just his sportsball friends.
Jeter retired from baseball in 2014 and has previously hinted that he wants to bat some viable sperm into his new wife’s outfield. Look, sports analogies aren’t my thing. I run like a girl. Actually, that’s totally sexist. I run like a really gay guy.
I hope at least one of those recycled wedding gift bags accidentally retained a blister pack of Valtrex signed by Jeter that reads “THANKS FOR A GREAT NIGHT. THIS IS JUST IN CASE…HUGS!”
It’s the end of a man slut era. UsWeekly claims that former MVMS (most valuable man slut) Derek Jeter is engaged to his Sports Illustrated model girlfriend Hannah Davis. The executives at GlaxoSmithKline, the makers of Valtrex, are loudly weeping as their stock PLUMMETS.
A source type tells Page Six that Derek proposed on Sunday, which was their 3 year anniversary. The source also says that Derek is so serious that he asked Hannah’s parents for their thumbs up to propose to their daughter. UsWeekly’s source says that he’s happy, Hannah’s happy, her family’s happy and everybody’s happy except for those GlaxoSmithKline execs.
“Their relationship works because they are both supportive and sweet to each other,” the source tells Us. “They almost never fight.”
And this is great, great, great news for all of Derek Jeter’s past one-night tricks. Because now they can get more on eBay for the post-fuck parting gift basket he gave them. Congratulations to us all!
I know shit about fighting, save for what I remember from the 20 minutes of Double Dragon I played on Nintendo before I got bored and threw on Barbie’s Glamorous Quest. So I had to do a bit of research on Ronda Rousey. From what the internet tells me, Ronda Rousey is a really good MMA fighter. She’s so good, she went home with two ESPYs last night, including Best Female Athlete and Best Fighter. I also learned that Ronda can take a bitch down with her expert-level reading skills.
Ronda was presented with the award for Best Fighter on the red carpet last night, and the first thing she did after accepting it was to verbally slap the shit out of fellow Best Fighter nominee and baby mama beater Floyd Mayweather by saying:
“I can’t help but say that I wonder how Floyd feels being beat by a woman for once. I’d like to see you pretend to not know who I am now.”
I don’t know if you can get concussions from words, but Floyd Mayweather Jr. might want to swing by the hospital, just in case. The moment Ronda replaced 50 Cent at the top of Floyd Mayweather shit list happens around the 2:00 mark.
Normally this would be where I’d say “You in danger, girl” to Ronda Rousey, but we don’t even know if Floyd Mayweather even saw the ESPYs. If last night was his night to watch Justin Bieber, then the only channel they were watching was Nick Jr.
Here’s more of Ronda Rousey from last night, as well as Russell Wilson and the woman he’s not fucking, Lindsey Vonn, Halle Berry, A-Rod, and lovable party boy doofus Gronk (who was probably itching to get out of that suit and into a pair of shorts).