Jamie Foxx Blames The State Of Comedy For Why We Might Not Ever See His 2016 Film “All-Star Weekend” In Which Robert Downey Jr. Plays A Mexican Man
As Variety reports, Jamie Foxx says his 2016 directorial feature debut, All-Star Weekend, a comedy starring Foxx and Jeremy Piven as “two best friends who win tickets to the annual NBA event” whose road trip to LA is “upended by a handful of wacky characters,” might never be released due to the “current state of comedy.” Jamie apparently doesn’t think we can handle a wacky character like “Mexican Stranger,” played by Robert Downey Jr. Alas, it seems the so-called woke mob has struck again. First, they came for The Alamo, but I was not a history major and am unclear on how exactly that played out— so I said nothing. Then they came for Señor Frog’s Cinco de Mayo $2 margarita special, but I did not have one near me— so I said nothing. Then they came for my Mexican pizza and I said, OH HEEEEELL NO!— And they brought it back. So obviously the point here is that if Jamie wants All-Star-Weekend to ever see the light of day, he needs to recast “Mexican Stranger” with Doja Cat and do some reshoots.
Wes Anderson is back with another cinematic masterpiece that will make your eyes go “Ooh!” and your brain go “Huh?”. After watching the trailer for The French Dispatch I have no idea what the plot is other than it involves some sort of publication I’m assuming is called The French Dispatch. But it sure looks nice! Continue reading
Yesterday, TMZ pulled out a police report from 2009 that showed that Amber Heard was put into handcuffs and arrested for allegedly getting violent on her then-girlfriend Tasya van Ree at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. Amber was accused of grabbing and hitting Tasya’s arm. The prosecutors dropped the case and the reason they gave is that Tasya and Amber live in California. Because TMZ’s story made the rounds and many tricks screamed, “See! Amber is a crazy mess who probably beat the poor, little innocent scarf rack called Johnny Depp too,” Tasya slid into Amber’s corner and released a statement to Variety. Continue reading
Because Cannes is a truly formal and sophisticated event that only lets in the most refined and elegant swans (see: the piece of trash above), they have a seriously strict dress code and will spit on any pair of lady feet that aren’t propped up on a high heel. So if you’ve got medical issues and wearing high heels kills your feet and makes you walk like a constipated penguin, suck it up, trick! Put on those high heels and fake smile through the pain, because you gotta get into Cannes! If you have no legs, strap a high heel to your head or wear them on your hands, because rules are rules and you gotta get into Cannes!
Why do I get the feeling that 3 seconds after this picture was taken, AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon had her assistant check her dress for grease stains and bedbugs. “This is BEYOND! I told you not to let that hobo-looking hipster touch me! I’m STILL trying to get the stink out of the clothes I wore during the Walk the Line press tour.”
The Hollywood premiere of Inherent Vice was held last night, which explains why Reese Witherspoon is hugging sexy dirtbag Joaquin Phoenix. Not that we really needed a reason – personally, I like to imagine Reese and Joaquin meeting every year around Christmas time to share a hug and a box of warm wine. Anyways, Inherent Vice is set in the 70s, so I guess that’s why Reese rolled up to the red carpet looking like Carol Brady’s gimlet-chugging sister from Manhattan named Prudence (“…but you can call me Pussy“). She also looks like Elle Woods, if Elle Woods went back in time to 1971, married a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon named Kip Skippington, and started breeding exquisite snow-white Persian cats instead of becoming a lawyer. Which is to say, I bet she smells like Revlon Charlie and pillow mints and the front seat of a 1971 Chrysler LeBaron.
Here’s more of Reese Witherspoon serving up Barbie’s mom realness, as well as Joaquin with his sisters Summer and Rain (why those two never got together and made an all-natural feminine wash is beyond me), my personal queen Maya Rudolph, Kimberly Stewart’s baby daddy Benicio del Toro, and Joanna Newsom who looked like she walked into drapery store high on furniture polish and was like “GIVE ME EVERYTHING“:
Lindsay Lohan is a coke-infused snot bubble of insufferableness and delusion, and she’s about as tolerable and pleasant as a spiked dildo, but last week I stood up and clapped for her slut game when InTouch Weekly published a list of some of the famous dicks she’s supposedly taken a ride on. What’s the point of being famous if you’re not going to fuck a bunch of hot famous people? If you’re famous and don’t say, “Yeah, I’ve sucked that dick,” about every other presenter while watching the Golden Globes, you’re doing “being famous” wrong. The celebrity guest list for LiLo’s freckled cooch included hot pieces like Zac Efron (HA!), Justin Timberlake and Jamie Dornan. All three of those dudes have since overdosed with shame, said goodbye to public life and are now living in a monastery. They’ll never be heard from again. Well, they might get some company at the monastery, because in this week’s InTouch Weekly they squirted out even more names from the fuck list that LiLo supposedly made while boozing with friends in the bar at The Beverly Hills Hotel last January.
The second round of “Whose peen has paid a visit to Lindsay Lohan’s crackie cooch?” includes Ashton Kutcher, Ryan Phillippe, Starving Nachos (Wonky McValtrex’s ex), Danny Cipriani (English rugby player and Kelly Brook’s ex), Maggio Cipriani (heir to the Cipriani restaurant empire), Benicio Del Toro, Aaron Voros (hockey player who used to play for the New York Rangers), Orlando “Orli” Bloom, Brian@GPH (whatever that means), Josh Mond (movie producer), Riley S (whoever that is) and Petey Wright (model). Wilmer Valderrama AND Ashton Kutcher? If Topher Grace and Danny Masterson’s names aren’t under those blurred bars, they’re going to feel so left out, or relieved that they aren’t on the CDC’s “Sluts To Watch” list.
InTouch plans to release more names next week, but let’s all guess! I’m going to guess the rest of names are: SamRo, Charlie Sheen, Gerard Butler, Larry King, Richard Burton’s corpse (it was for research!), the tit-chewing dog from Mean Girls and Herbie the Love Bug.