Yesterday, TMZ pulled out a police report from 2009 that showed that Amber Heard was put into handcuffs and arrested for allegedly getting violent on her then-girlfriend Tasya van Ree at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport. Amber was accused of grabbing and hitting Tasya’s arm. The prosecutors dropped the case and the reason they gave is that Tasya and Amber live in California. Because TMZ’s story made the rounds and many tricks screamed, “See! Amber is a crazy mess who probably beat the poor, little innocent scarf rack called Johnny Depp too,” Tasya slid into Amber’s corner and released a statement to Variety. Continue reading
Because Cannes is a truly formal and sophisticated event that only lets in the most refined and elegant swans (see: the piece of trash above), they have a seriously strict dress code and will spit on any pair of lady feet that aren’t propped up on a high heel. So if you’ve got medical issues and wearing high heels kills your feet and makes you walk like a constipated penguin, suck it up, trick! Put on those high heels and fake smile through the pain, because you gotta get into Cannes! If you have no legs, strap a high heel to your head or wear them on your hands, because rules are rules and you gotta get into Cannes!
Why do I get the feeling that 3 seconds after this picture was taken, AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon had her assistant check her dress for grease stains and bedbugs. “This is BEYOND! I told you not to let that hobo-looking hipster touch me! I’m STILL trying to get the stink out of the clothes I wore during the Walk the Line press tour.”
The Hollywood premiere of Inherent Vice was held last night, which explains why Reese Witherspoon is hugging sexy dirtbag Joaquin Phoenix. Not that we really needed a reason – personally, I like to imagine Reese and Joaquin meeting every year around Christmas time to share a hug and a box of warm wine. Anyways, Inherent Vice is set in the 70s, so I guess that’s why Reese rolled up to the red carpet looking like Carol Brady’s gimlet-chugging sister from Manhattan named Prudence (“…but you can call me Pussy“). She also looks like Elle Woods, if Elle Woods went back in time to 1971, married a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon named Kip Skippington, and started breeding exquisite snow-white Persian cats instead of becoming a lawyer. Which is to say, I bet she smells like Revlon Charlie and pillow mints and the front seat of a 1971 Chrysler LeBaron.
Here’s more of Reese Witherspoon serving up Barbie’s mom realness, as well as Joaquin with his sisters Summer and Rain (why those two never got together and made an all-natural feminine wash is beyond me), my personal queen Maya Rudolph, Kimberly Stewart’s baby daddy Benicio del Toro, and Joanna Newsom who looked like she walked into drapery store high on furniture polish and was like “GIVE ME EVERYTHING“:
Lindsay Lohan is a coke-infused snot bubble of insufferableness and delusion, and she’s about as tolerable and pleasant as a spiked dildo, but last week I stood up and clapped for her slut game when InTouch Weekly published a list of some of the famous dicks she’s supposedly taken a ride on. What’s the point of being famous if you’re not going to fuck a bunch of hot famous people? If you’re famous and don’t say, “Yeah, I’ve sucked that dick,” about every other presenter while watching the Golden Globes, you’re doing “being famous” wrong. The celebrity guest list for LiLo’s freckled cooch included hot pieces like Zac Efron (HA!), Justin Timberlake and Jamie Dornan. All three of those dudes have since overdosed with shame, said goodbye to public life and are now living in a monastery. They’ll never be heard from again. Well, they might get some company at the monastery, because in this week’s InTouch Weekly they squirted out even more names from the fuck list that LiLo supposedly made while boozing with friends in the bar at The Beverly Hills Hotel last January.
The second round of “Whose peen has paid a visit to Lindsay Lohan’s crackie cooch?” includes Ashton Kutcher, Ryan Phillippe, Starving Nachos (Wonky McValtrex’s ex), Danny Cipriani (English rugby player and Kelly Brook’s ex), Maggio Cipriani (heir to the Cipriani restaurant empire), Benicio Del Toro, Aaron Voros (hockey player who used to play for the New York Rangers), Orlando “Orli” Bloom, [email protected] (whatever that means), Josh Mond (movie producer), Riley S (whoever that is) and Petey Wright (model). Wilmer Valderrama AND Ashton Kutcher? If Topher Grace and Danny Masterson’s names aren’t under those blurred bars, they’re going to feel so left out, or relieved that they aren’t on the CDC’s “Sluts To Watch” list.
InTouch plans to release more names next week, but let’s all guess! I’m going to guess the rest of names are: SamRo, Charlie Sheen, Gerard Butler, Larry King, Richard Burton’s corpse (it was for research!), the tit-chewing dog from Mean Girls and Herbie the Love Bug.
As Kristin Davis and the daughter she adopted a couple of weeks ago get pushed to the side, Kimbo Stewart poses with the baby girl she made with Benicio Del Toro during a drunken night of romance when they ignored what their pack leaders said and gladly partook in wolf and mare sex. One of my friends (Yes, I have one of those. And yes, she only appears to me in a cloud of bong smoke.) said that Kimbo’s daughter Delilah looks like her Ukrainian grandma sans a head scarf and a lip mole that resembles a piece of ground beef. But to me, Delilah looks exactly like Benicio in the face. Delilah is even howling out yonder and eying the landscape for squirrels to catch. Just like her daddy! Kimbo told Hello! that she thinks her baby looks Benicio-ish in the face and that he’s involved in his daughter’s life (translation: the check clears every month):
“The whole family, including Benicio, was at the hospital and my mom and Benicio were in the delivery room with me. Benicio’s very involved, he and Delilah have a very special bond. I named her after the Tom Jones song, as I’d always loved that. She definitely looks like her dad, but she has my legs and eye colour.”
Saying shit like “she has my legs” is better than saying “she has my ass,” which I’ve seen on Facebook before from a fucked up individual (I am not naming names). So either Kimbo has short, stubby roly poly legs that smell like Johnson’s or Delilah has long furry legs made for stompin’ snakes. I’m going to say it’s the first one.
In case you flushed out the image of Benicio Del Toro’s wolf sperm galloping toward one of Kimbo Stewart’s equine eggs as the entire animal kingdom cheered at the making of a new hybrid, let me remind you that they made raw sex with each other and also made a baby that she birthed out over the weekend. Benicio and Kimbo still haven’t officially released the name of their spawn since they’re waiting for his packmaster Raoul to christen the name as he holds their baby up to the moon and howls with her. But Rod Stewart’s old ass accidentally blurted it out during an interview with USA Today for his new Las Vegas show.
And “I’m a grandfather now,” he chirps, singing out the name Delilah, born Sunday to daughter Kimberly, 32 (whose mother is Alana Hamilton Stewart, one of his two exes). “I’ve been going around blabbing that for hours now.”
There’s half of me that is slow clapping for the name Delilah because it makes her sound like a Biblical whore (I hate that I still watch Friends reruns).
The other part of me is throwing punches with my eyes at Benicio’s “hungover Gaddafi face” for putting that stupid song about that stupid bitch moving to stupid NYC in my stupid head.