The Daily Mail and a bunch of other sites posted a picture this morning of Fiat heir Lapo Elkann looking like he tried to suck Uma Thurman’s face off with his suction cup mouth at last night’s amfAR gala in Cannes. It looked like he was a Garfield suction cup decoration and her face was the car window. Uma served as host during the event’s auction and after Lapo won an item for $196,000, he celebrated by kissing her. After the picture made the rounds, Uma’s rep Leslie Sloane issued a statement saying that he never asked for permission and the uninvited kiss left her feeling violated and creeped out. Leslie is also trying to get a hold of video of the kiss that the amfAR people have. This is the statement that Leslie gave to People:

“It is opportunism at its worst. She wasn’t complicit in it. Somewhere in his head he must have thought it an appropriate way of behaving. It clearly wasn’t. It looks like she was happy to have it happen, but it was not consensual. She is very unhappy that this happened to her and feels violated.”

If you’ve been reading Dlisted for a while, then you’re probably crazy and please let your doctors at the mental hospital know that I am grateful they haven’t blocked the site from computers yet. But really, if you’ve been reading this site for a while, you probably know that I’ve drooled out gross words of praise about this greasy Italian coke booger before. May is the month I find out some gross shit about my favorite Panty Creamers. I found out that Adrien Brody is a CAP (Cosby/Allen/Polanski) apologist and today I find out that Lapo Elkann is creeping out women by putting his mouth on theirs without getting an RSVP first. What’s next? Prince Hot Ginge is going to tell reporters that the Holocaust and Nazis didn’t exist? Well, we know he’ll never say that.

Pic: Getty, Wenn.com

Unless Hollywood is announcing that they’re finally making a feature-length film adaptation of Out of This World, I don’t have much interest in casting news regarding movies about teens with super powers. However, I cared deeply when I learned last month that Michael Keaton might have lost out on the role of the villain in the latest Spider-Man reboot because they only had enough money in the budget for Robert Downey Jr. How rude of Hollywood to pinch their pennies and deny us the image of Michael Keaton slipping his sexy middle-aged dad body into some tight leather villain business. I don’t know for sure that his costume would have been tight and made of leather, but why not? I think we can all agree that tight leather is a good look no matter what the occasion.

Well, maybe Hollywood heard the wails of myself and the small handful of creeps who also think Michael Keaton was robbed of a job, or maybe they just asked the bank for more money, because sources have confirmed to Deadline that Michael Keaton got that role in Spider-Man: Homecoming. Michael Keaton’s first meeting with Marvel didn’t make it past the offer stage. But clearly there weren’t any other actors that made their hearts flutter like Keaton did, so they came back to him and entered final negotiations this morning. And according to Deadline’s sources, that’s when it was decided Michael Keaton would play a character called The Vulture.

The Vulture is Spider-Man’s first real villain. He’s an older bald dude who sort of looks like a young Mr. Burns and dresses like a bird. Maybe that’s what sealed the deal for Marvel; Michael Keaton comes with his own bird costume!

I’m really glad Michael Keaton held out for those Marvel dollars and didn’t jump at whatever paltry number they offered him the first time. Marvel’s Captain America: Civil War has made almost $1 billion so far. I really hope he negotiated for some crazy expensive shit. “I want to start every morning with a Lipitor and dinosaur egg omelette and end every night with a caviar-filled jacuzzi. And I need to be carried to and from my trailer by Chris Evans dressed as Captain America. I’ve seen those recent box office numbers, so don’t tell me you can’t make it happen.”

Pic: Splash

The Hoff isn’t exactly eating day old Wonder Bread and government cheese sandwiches on the floor because he can no longer afford cheeseburgers. TMZ says that thanks to that Baywatch, Knight Rider and True Survivor money, The Hoff brings in about $112,000 a month. But living like The Hoff isn’t cheap and he spends around $66,000 a month. That amount doesn’t include taxes, living expenses and the $21,000 a month he pays his ex-wife Pamela Bach. Once The Hoff is done paying everyone, he doesn’t have much money left, so he’s trying to cut off Pamela completely. Pamela is fighting him and wouldn’t you?! It’s either hassle The Hoff for that money, or get an actual job, or downgrade your Mercedes and filet mignon lifestyle to a Kia and Steak-umms lifestyle.

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Poor Ellen DeGeneres. It’s like anywhere she looks, her eyes are going to land on something gross. Look down at the monitor, giant picture of Johnny Depp in disturbing Donald Trump prosthetics. Look up, Johnny Depp in real life looking like a guy at a state fair who tries to sell you a snake at the hand washing station next to the Port-O-Potties.

It’s been a week full of impressions on Ellen! Yesterday, Kanye West gave us a spot-on impression of a person who should probably start going to weekly Deluded Narcissists Anonymous meetings, and today we have Johnny Depp doing his impression of Donald Trump while promoting Alice Through The Looking Glass on Ellen. We were first introduced to Johnny’s Donald three months ago after Funny or Die released the trailer for The Art Of The Deal, a made-for-TV movie parody based on Trump’s book of the same name. Thankfully Ellen didn’t ask Johnny to put on the wig or the saggy latex citrus skin eye bags. Mixing Donald drag with Johnny’s crusty capped nightmare teeth would have taken it from funny to terrifying.

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The original Archie comics are about as edgy as a freshly ironed t-shirt tucked into a pair of pleated jeans. But The CW has to get the chirrun to watch their Archie TV show, so they took the original comic, smeared some black eyeliner on that wholesome trick, made it listen to a whole lot of Lorde songs and took it a David Lynch film festival where it snuck out halfway to smoke a blunt with the bad kids. The CW made Archie all *~edgy~* and *~dark~*.

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Last night, amfAR’s annual Cinema Against AIDS Gala happened in Cannes, and Katy Perry showed up looking like the mother of the bride if the bride was the red dress cha cha dancing emoji. I’m sure Katy’s dress is very ~expensive~ and is handcrafted from only the finest of materials, but for some reason it’s setting off my Michaels craft store radar. “‘For some reason” – listen to me, acting like it has nothing to do with the $80 worth of silk peony petals attached to her body.

I used to be obsessed with fake flowers. Maybe it was because I watched so much Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous while my 6-year-old brain was still developing. Although I have no idea what episode triggered by silk flower obsession. My obsession with wigs, however – that definitely happened during the Raquel Welch episode. Regardless of when it happened, I used to collect fake flowers and I thought they were so glamorous and high class. Placing a single plastic-stemmed rose on my book shelf truly added an instant touch of elegance to my collection of Baby-Sitters Club books. So as much as I want to laugh at Katy’s dress and make a joke about how it looks like something that was stolen out of a repurposed Snapple bottle vase in the bathroom of a budget banquet hall, I just can’t. My love of fake flowers won’t let me.

Here’s more of Katy Perry, and everyone else who was at the amfAR Gala. Thanks to Uma Thurman, we now know what it would look like if Day-To-Night Barbie quit her job to focus solely on the Night part.

Pics: Wenn.com