This Ain’t Your Mama’s “Archie.” Shit, It Ain’t Even Your “Archie”

The original Archie comics are about as edgy as a freshly ironed t-shirt tucked into a pair of pleated jeans. But The CW has to get the chirrun to watch their Archie TV show, so they took the original comic, smeared some black eyeliner on that wholesome trick, made it listen to a whole lot of Lorde songs and took it a David Lynch film festival where it snuck out halfway to smoke a blunt with the bad kids. The CW made Archie all *~edgy~* and *~dark~*.

Since Hollywood is pretty much allergic to original stories and original characters, they couldn’t just do a brand new show about a spooky small town where spooky stuff happens. So they took familiar characters and dropped them into some moody Gossip Girl shit before adding a heap of I Know What You Did Last Summer. There’s fucking! There’s murder! There’s fog! There’s a lot of burnt out lightbulbs because every scene looks dim as hell!

The darker Archie called Riverdale comes from the current reigning king of The CW, Greg Berlanti (who produces Arrow, Legends of Tomorrow, Supergirl and The Flash). Greg said a while ago that they were going to dirty Archie up. And at The CW Upfronts yesterday, the show’s full synopsis was burped up and it sounds hilarious. Mrs. Grundy is no longer an old ass lady and homeroom teacher. She’s now a hot, young music teacher and a Mary Kay Letourneau-type who was boning Archie. And Betty’s mom is a mess who gets her addicted to Adderall. I’m surprised they didn’t turn Jughead into Crackhead. At least Veronica is still somewhat of a home wrecker. via Den of Geek 

As a new school year begins, the town of Riverdale is reeling from the recent, tragic death of high school golden boy Jason Blossom — and nothing feels the same… Archie Andrews (KJ Apa) is still the all-American teen, but the summer’s events made him realize that he wants to pursue a career in music — not follow in his dad’s footsteps — despite the sudden end of his forbidden relationship with Riverdale’s young music teacher, Ms. Grundy (Sarah Habel). Which means Archie doesn’t have anyone who will mentor him — certainly not singer Josie McCoy (Ashleigh Murray), who is only focused on her band, the soon-to-be-world-famous Pussycats.

It’s all weighing heavily on Archie’s mind — as is his fractured friendship with budding writer and fellow classmate Jughead Jones (Cole Sprouse). Meanwhile, girl-next-door Betty Cooper (Lili Reinhart) is anxious to see her crush Archie after being away all summer, but she’s not quite ready to reveal her true feelings to him. And Betty’s nerves — which are hardly soothed by her overbearing mother Alice (Mädchen Amick) aren’t the only thing holding her back. When a new student, Veronica Lodge (Camila Mendes), arrives in town from New York with her mother Hermione (Marisol Nichols), there’s an undeniable spark between her and Archie, even though Veronica doesn’t want to risk her new friendship with Betty by making a play for Archie. And then there’s Cheryl Blossom (Madelaine Petsch)… Riverdale’s Queen Bee is happy to stir up trouble amongst Archie, Betty, and Veronica, but Cheryl is keeping secrets of her own. What, exactly, is she hiding about the mysterious death of her twin brother, Jason? Riverdale may look like a quiet, sleepy town, but there are dangers in the shadows…

The dark Archie doesn’t start airing until midseason, but reporters were shown a trailer yesterday. The trailer leaked and yeah, it feels like a spoof trailer that’s making fun of MTV’s shows:

If it looks like Twin Peaks for kids, that’s because that’s what they were going for. Even the Veronica looks like a Kidz Bop version of Sherilyn Fenn. But if they wanted to do a baby Twin Peaks, they should’ve just done it and called it Tween Peaks. I’m not attached to Archie at all, so I don’t care what they do with it. But Greg Berlanti’s brain better not even think about doing a grittier and darker Beverly Hills Teens called Beverly Hills-Adjacent Teens.

And here’s Luke Perry, who plays Archie’s dad, at The CW Upfronts yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com