Everyone better put their pocketbooks in a prayer circle because a treasonous cold is still messing with THE QUEEN (exact medical term for THE QUEEN’s cold: acute viral morrisseyngitis) and she had to sit out of Christmas Day church service for the first time in decades.
So because his 90-year-old great-grandmum wasn’t there to make fun of Duchess Camilla’s tragic hat and ensemble with him, Prince George was probably extra bored. Proof of Prince George’s boredom: that picture above of him having to entertain himself with the candy of the peasants as everyone around him nervously tries to figure out ways to amuse him before he sends them all to the gallows!
The British royal family all got into their best Christmastime Downton Abbey cosplay today to do their annual pap walk into and out of St. Mark’s Church in Englefield, Berkshire. The Middletons, including Pippa and her banker betrothed, were also there. Prince Hot Ginge disappointed me today, because he did not bring his girlfriend Meghan Markle, who I was hoping would show Duchess Kate up by wearing an amazingly elegant body bow, and he also didn’t put that ginger beard to good use by dressing up as Kris Kringle.
But well, at least we have Prince George throwing “your future king is not amused’ eyes while working a sharp-as-shit A-line coat, knee socks and little loafers.
Happy Whatever Your Ass Celebrates, everyone! May you spend your holiday sucking on a candy cane while judging everyone around you!
I’m suggesting a toaster, since she clearly doesn’t need another crystal paperweight. She’s already got one on her left hand.
Pippa Middleton, the non-hydrogenated spread to Kate Middleton’s butter, has finally set a date for her wedding to rich banker James Matthews. We can all let out that breath we’ve been holding in for the past five months.
Hello! says that Pippa and James are getting married on May 20, 2017 at St. Marks Church in Englefield. The reception will be held at Pippa’s parents’ house in Bucklebury. I’m sort of from the country, so when I hear that a wedding reception is back at the house of the bride’s parents, I picture a cooler full of canned wine and three-to-five buckets of KFC on fold-out tables that were bought from Walmart (and returned the next day). Pippa’s parents house is called Bucklebury Manor, so it’s not going to be that kind of reception.
Prince Harry is supposedly invited. As for which other members of the Royal family will be there. Prince George is rumored to be a pageboy, which sounds like the fancy British version of a ring bearer, while Princess Charlotte will be a flower girl. No word on if Pippa will return the favor and make Duchess Kate her maid of honor. Hello! is saying that James’ best man will be his brother, Made in Chelsea’s Spencer Matthews. Okay, I take back what I said about it being that kind of wedding. There’s no way a wedding that includes Prince Harry, Spencer Matthews, and Kate and Pippa’s jealous-of-the-attention brother James Middleton won’t turn that reception into the sort of thing that ends up with the dance floor being hosed down and disinfected at the end of the night.
“Oi, poor fing don’t realize that the only way I’m gonna appear at her weddin’ is if someone hooks up a phone to a video cable and projects a YouTube video of this performance. Sorry, bum.”
Person with a job Pippa Middleton got engaged to her banker boyfriend James Matthews earlier this summer, which means she’s got a wedding to plan. Of course Pippa’s wedding won’t be nearly as fancy an event as her older sister’s wedding was, but Pippa is trying. Duchess Kate and Prince William hired Ellie Goulding to sing at their fancy royal wedding back in 2011. Pippa wanted a famous person too, just more famous than Ellie Goulding. UsWeekly says Pippa wanted Adele to sing at her wedding next year. Pippa, please.
Despite the fact that that picture of Pippa Middleton could totally pass for an back-page ad for a low-budget British phone sex line (“Fancy a three-way? Ring me on your mobile now!“), Pippa Middleton is the opposite of a party girl. At least according to Pippa Middleton. Pippa may be known to some people as Duchess Kate’s sister with the ass who does who knows, but Pippa wants to change that.
Someone put a ring on Pippa Middleton’s hitchin’ finger, and thankfully, that someone was not Prince Hot Ginge. That means that the tabloids can go ahead and remove their “Pippa Middleton and Prince Hot Ginge Are Boning” stories from the file full of crap they pull out on a slow news week. Watch, The Sun will put out a cover story about how PHG spends his lonely nights caressing a bowl of cold porridge because he misses the bland touch of that British bland Pippa Middleton.
Pippa Middleton, best known for being Duchess Kate’s sister and owning the ass that took over the royal wedding in 2011, has gotten engaged to her rich British banker type piece of a year James Matthews. The Daily Mail says that this past weekend in the Lake District, 40-year-old James proposed to 32-year-old Pippa Middleton and of course, she said yes. Pippa and James confirmed their engagement news to the BBC and say that they’re going to get married next year. The Middleton family and Duchess Kate and Prince William also put out statements, and PHG would’ve put out a statement too but he was busy caressing a bowl of cold porridge while thinking about the bland that got away.
Because Pippa is a caring soul who wants to give the tabloids a perfect picture to use for her engagement news, she did the subtle “Oh, I’m just holding my purse and not-at-all flashing my giant diamond engagement ring” pose while leaving her apartment this morning:
James Matthews’ brother is alleged cokehead and reality shit show trick Spencer Matthews from Made in Chelsea. If the Middleton family lets Spencer Matthews go to Pippa and James’ fancy society wedding, they better tell THE QUEEN to leave her Corgis at home. Because I don’t want to read in The Mirror about how one of THE QUEEN’s Corgis overdosed while doing lines with Spencer in the bathroom during the reception. And I’m sure Kunty Karl has already offered to design Pippa’s dress and I’m sure his design is an ass-less white burka.
Here’s pictures from Pippa’s showing of the engagement ring ceremony, as well as pictures of her at a charity event yesterday.
You may want to ask a trustworthy loved one to stand on the opposite side of the room with a catcher’s mitt, because this piece of information is probably going to blow your mind and I don’t want it splattering all over the wall. Prince Hot Ginge and Pippa Middleton weren’t really photographed on a beach together. That was Photoshopped. You know, I don’t even know if it’s Photoshopped. It looks like they cut out a picture of him, cut out a picture of her, glued both to a background and took a picture of that. That is some master decoupage work.
The story about PHG and THE BUTT OF BRITAIN being secret lovers is about as real and believable as that cover. A source says that their parts have tingled for each other for years and they even fucked in the bathroom at Duchess Kate and Prince William’s wedding. But then they started dating other people and now that they’re both single, they started doing each other again.