After what felt like years and years of hearing about this wedding, Pippa Middleton, better known as the owner of the ass that stole her sister’s royal wedding and Kunty Karl’s favorite beauty, finally got married to that billionaire financier dude James Matthews at St Mark’s Church in Englefield, Berkshire today. Now bring on the grainy cell phone pictures of a drunken and topless Prince Hot Ginge and Pippa’s reality douche bro-in-law Spencer Matthews fist bumping on the dance floor at the reception.
There was a story last month about how Pippa Middleton doesn’t want Meghan Markle upstaging her at her own wedding (like how Pippa’s ass upstaged Duchess Kate) so she’s thrown down a “no ring, no bring” policy to keep that spotlight stealer out. (Side note: “No [cock] ring, no bring” also sounds like a rule for a tantric sex orgy.) People says that Pippa’s wedding ceremony does have a “no ring, no bring” rule but that her wedding reception doesn’t, so the ex-blogger and ex-face of Reitmans is going to that as Prince Hot Ginge’s date. Meghan lucked out. The wedding ceremony is boring and Pippa’s will probably be extra boring. The reception is where it’s at. Free booze. Free cake. Free Jordan almonds. And at the end of the night, you can sneak off with your table’s centerpiece as everyone drunkenly dances to “Last Dance” on the dance floor.
For some reason that I’ll never understand, many felt that Pippa Middleton’s ass upstaged Duchess Kate and Prince William on their royal wedding day in 2011. I roll my eyes whenever I think about that, because how could anyone or anything upstage Prince Hot Ginge in Disney prince cosplay? Butt anyway, Pippa is getting married to her fiancé James Matthews in May, and The Daily Mail says that she doesn’t want PHG’s girlfriend Meghan Markle there. Because apparently, Pippa is afraid that Meghan Markle will be the Pippa’s Ass of her wedding.
Everyone better put their pocketbooks in a prayer circle because a treasonous cold is still messing with THE QUEEN (exact medical term for THE QUEEN’s cold: acute viral morrisseyngitis) and she had to sit out of Christmas Day church service for the first time in decades.
So because his 90-year-old great-grandmum wasn’t there to make fun of Duchess Camilla’s tragic hat and ensemble with him, Prince George was probably extra bored. Proof of Prince George’s boredom: that picture above of him having to entertain himself with the candy of the peasants as everyone around him nervously tries to figure out ways to amuse him before he sends them all to the gallows!
The British royal family all got into their best Christmastime Downton Abbey cosplay today to do their annual pap walk into and out of St. Mark’s Church in Englefield, Berkshire. The Middletons, including Pippa and her banker betrothed, were also there. Prince Hot Ginge disappointed me today, because he did not bring his girlfriend Meghan Markle, who I was hoping would show Duchess Kate up by wearing an amazingly elegant body bow, and he also didn’t put that ginger beard to good use by dressing up as Kris Kringle.
But well, at least we have Prince George throwing “your future king is not amused’ eyes while working a sharp-as-shit A-line coat, knee socks and little loafers.
Happy Whatever Your Ass Celebrates, everyone! May you spend your holiday sucking on a candy cane while judging everyone around you!
I’m suggesting a toaster, since she clearly doesn’t need another crystal paperweight. She’s already got one on her left hand.
Pippa Middleton, the non-hydrogenated spread to Kate Middleton’s butter, has finally set a date for her wedding to rich banker James Matthews. We can all let out that breath we’ve been holding in for the past five months.
Hello! says that Pippa and James are getting married on May 20, 2017 at St. Marks Church in Englefield. The reception will be held at Pippa’s parents’ house in Bucklebury. I’m sort of from the country, so when I hear that a wedding reception is back at the house of the bride’s parents, I picture a cooler full of canned wine and three-to-five buckets of KFC on fold-out tables that were bought from Walmart (and returned the next day). Pippa’s parents house is called Bucklebury Manor, so it’s not going to be that kind of reception.
Prince Harry is supposedly invited. As for which other members of the Royal family will be there. Prince George is rumored to be a pageboy, which sounds like the fancy British version of a ring bearer, while Princess Charlotte will be a flower girl. No word on if Pippa will return the favor and make Duchess Kate her maid of honor. Hello! is saying that James’ best man will be his brother, Made in Chelsea’s Spencer Matthews. Okay, I take back what I said about it being that kind of wedding. There’s no way a wedding that includes Prince Harry, Spencer Matthews, and Kate and Pippa’s jealous-of-the-attention brother James Middleton won’t turn that reception into the sort of thing that ends up with the dance floor being hosed down and disinfected at the end of the night.
“Oi, poor fing don’t realize that the only way I’m gonna appear at her weddin’ is if someone hooks up a phone to a video cable and projects a YouTube video of this performance. Sorry, bum.”
Person with a job Pippa Middleton got engaged to her banker boyfriend James Matthews earlier this summer, which means she’s got a wedding to plan. Of course Pippa’s wedding won’t be nearly as fancy an event as her older sister’s wedding was, but Pippa is trying. Duchess Kate and Prince William hired Ellie Goulding to sing at their fancy royal wedding back in 2011. Pippa wanted a famous person too, just more famous than Ellie Goulding. UsWeekly says Pippa wanted Adele to sing at her wedding next year. Pippa, please.