Soon, we’ll be able to stop feeling like trainwreck-watching oglers while consuming Britney Spears’ evisceration of her family on Instagram. Instead, we’ll get to fancy ourselves intellectual bibliophiles while perusing Britney Spears’ evisceration of her family in her upcoming mem-wah. Because Britney (and her ghostwriter) have finally scrounged up enough paper to hold the many tales of her eventful time in the spotlight. According to Page Six, the memoir will be out just in time for the holidays and will “shock the world” and become an instant best-seller.
Ann Curry hasn’t said much about how Today dropped her ass in the dumpster after being a co-anchor for about three seconds (if you want to get technical, she was co-anchor for a year) and how she feels about the career of Matt Lauer (aka the smug dildo who may have played a big part in her firing) also ending up in the dumpster. But Ann is finally (just pretend this text is blinking for dramatic purposes) BREAKING HER SILENCE!!!
Ann is on the cover of this week’s People giving us an “Oh honey, sit down and put on a plastic poncho because I’m about to spill the tea all over the place” pose. But you don’t need to keep the burn cream handy because Ann’s tea ain’t boiling hot.
When I woke up this morning to a tweet from Kathy Griffin saying, “If you have 17 minutes to spare, I have a hell of a story to tell,” I ran down to the nearest Big 5 Sporting Goods store to buy a life jacket and a kayak. Because I thought Kathy was going to spill more tea than the Boston Tea Party. But the tea she spilled could maaaaybe fill a Starbucks Tall cup. Okay, she claims that Andy Cohen is kind of a coke pusher, so her tea could fill a Grande.
“Damn, Australia, that’s cold. You know there’s no good reason for him being anywhere” – is what I imagine that guy in the bandanna behind Chris Brown is thinking.
Last week, Australia got a standing ovation from humanity when they told Chris Brown they didn’t want his ass-whooping ass stepping foot in their country during the down under leg of his tour in December. Sadly, cheers of “FACK YIS!” might not be enough to keep him from visiting. TMZ says that Australia has given Chris Brown a Notice of Intention to Consider Refusal, which is a lot of fancy words that mean they’re giving him the chance to prove why he deserves to enter the country.
Currently, Australia’s plan is to deny Chris Brown a visa, but they want to hear Breezy explain why they should grant him one. They’ve given him 28 days to come up with a good reason. And he might want to get working on that shit sooner than later, considering tickets for his Australian tour dates go on sale Monday.
So far Chris Brown hasn’t really commented on this mess, but that could be because he’s too busy planning his upcoming six-show residency at Drai’s in Las Vegas. Hmmm, I wonder how committed Las Vegas is to that “Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” slogan.
Anyone who has ever read anything written by Chris Brown knows that Australia is in for a next-level headache when they receive his NICR letter. First of all, it’s definitely going to come in the form of an Instagram comment. Second, it’s going to read like a 3am text from a drunk roommate who forgot their keys for the 4,027th time.
“Australia, WHY? Why r u doing this? For real, this is a real punk bitch move. I AM PISSED! All i wanted 2 do was sing and maybe fight that buff kangaroo. i hate u. LET ME IN!“
Be careful what you wish for, Australia.
Quentin Tarantino (seen above looking like a stoned bird smelling fart) talked to Vulture about his new movie The Hateful Eight and other shit, and it’s the kind of interview a big director gives when he doesn’t give a shit and is in a position where he can get away with saying almost anything. QT doesn’t suck on ass lips and he doesn’t lick toes (I mean, that ONLY figuratively, of course). The feet-loving bag of pompousness dropped some hate on Ben Affleck’s directing skills, shit on True Detective 2 and said that looking at Cate Blanchett’s IMDB page is like looking at a bucketful of chum used to catch an Oscar!