Category: The Hammaconda
Jon Hamm Says That He’s “Worn Underwear Every Single Day” Of His Life
It’s been 10 years since Jon Hamm’s hefty trouser entity, fondly referred to as “The Hammaconda” has made its way into our cultural lexicon. Over the years we’ve ogled it on the set of Mad Men, on dog walks, and on the red carpet. The pants containing it have changed, but the tingles it elicits remain consistent. The Hammaconda has become a familiar, cherished old chum at this point, and it has always just been assumed that Jon likes to let his baby-arm hang free, considering we’ve seen the entire outline of it. But during his recent stop at The Howard Stern Show on SiriusXM, Jon says that he’s never gone without underwear. And if the fact that his bulge is so prominent even WITH underwear has caused you to book the next flight out to find Jon and profess your insatiable thirst, slow your roll; because Jon also talked about how in love he is with his longtime girlfriend, Anna Osceola, and has even been contemplating marriage.
A Judge Ruled That Jon Hamm’s Penis Could Legally Be Scrutinized By The Huffington Post
A ruler was used to get to the bottom of Jon Hamm’s dick as to whether or not it’s worth all the fuss. And by ruler I obviously mean a judge, who, according to Page Six, recently ruled that The Huffington Post was within their rights to print a photo not belonging to them of The Hammaconda in order to “illustrate what all the fuss is about.” In a 2013 article titled 25 Things You Wish You Hadn’t Learned In 2013 And Must Forget In 2014, HuffPost writes that Jon is apparently “very blessed south of the border, and he, or those who examine photographs of him, really want you to know that,” accompanied by a photo taken by photographer/plaintiff Lawrence Schwartzwald of Jon’s betrousered Hickory Farms summer sausage with a little animated GIF that reads “image loading…” The judge ruled that since HuffPost was making fun of Jon’s Johnson, the usage qualifies as “transformative,” and now you know why we stay un-sued and #blessed.
A Virtual “Mad Men” Reunion May Happen
It’s been just over five years since Mad Men ended, the show you can blame for some very questionable (read: ugly) sixties-inspired fashion choices in my early twenties.
Now, in the age of Corona, Corona, many TV show and film casts have virtually reunited, either for table reads of past episodes, or just general discussion. While everybody’s favorite Scientologist, Elisabeth Moss, was doing the rounds for her new movie Shirley, an interviewer asked her if the Mad Men gang would ever consider doing a “Zoom-union” (blegh). The famously vague Elisabeth kept it ambiguous as always, but alluded that it may already be in the works. Continue reading
Ansel Elgort’s Bulge Got Him Trending On Twitter
One possible anagram of Ansel Elgort is Enlarge Slot, which may actually be quite fitting. According to The Internet, anyone finding themselves with the opportunity to receive Ansel’s Elgort, may need to do just that. We are getting reports that Baby Driver’s gear shift is a baby’s arm. I know these are dry and flaccid times we are living in, and as such, I’m horrified to report that The Internet has decided that inspecting Ansel’s bulge with such scrutiny that he would up trending on Twitter, was a good use of its time. And the consensus is that DJ Adolescent Jared Kushner is packing meat.
The Summer Of Splits Claimed One More
The Summer of Splits has already eaten the relationships of Chavril, Green Fox, RossFani and Bennifer 2.0, and it just had to swallow all that down with some WestHamm.
A couple of months ago, Star Magazine said that Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt’s 18 year love was about as dead as the feeling in her face after she makes her plastic surgeon inject another gallon of Botox and other fillers into her mug. The source said then that Jennifer decided to break up with Jon Hamm, because his obese Hammaconda dick just wasn’t doing it for her anymore and she started talking to a 52-year-old Mexican man she met on SizeQueens.com. No, apparently Jennifer wants kids and Jon doesn’t. A couple of weeks later, that break-up rumor was killed when Jon and Jennifer were seen “canoodling” at a party.
There were also rumors about them splitting up back in April after he got out of rehab. They shat on that rumor too. But it’s really over this time, because they have pulled out a generic break-up statement from their publicist’s folder of generic statements and released it to People:
“With great sadness, we have decided to separate, after 18 years of love and shared history. We will continue to be supportive of each other in every way possible moving forward.”
What’s sort of weird is that they announced this on a holiday in the US. Maybe they did that because they’re hoping nobody will make a big deal about it and move on quickly. Or maybe they released that statement today because one of the tabloids is planning to put out an ESCANDALOSO story about their breakup and they want to get ahead of it. Maybe Jon Hamm is really on trend and they broke up because he fucked the nanny. Before you say that they don’t have kids so they obviously don’t have a nanny, let me ask you this. Who do you think bathes, feeds, burps and grooms the Hammaconda? That’s a full-time job and neither of them have the time for that shit!
We Almost Got To See A Gone Girl Sidepeen Shower Scene Starring Jon Hamm
I really really hate to be the person to deliver such tragic news, but after lighting several Our Lady of Sorrows candles and spending a good 10 minutes weeping on the floor of my shower, I think I’m finally ready. Page Six says that Jon Hamm, seen above looking like a rode hard put away boozy Don Draper (that I so would, even though he probably smells like Lucky Strikes and ass), had to turn down the role of Nick Dunne in Gone Girl because it would have made things messy for Mad Men’s shooting schedule.
A source claims Jon is not happy with Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner for refusing to let him out of his Mad Men contract so he could go play Amazing Amy’s shady shitbag husband. And I’m not happy that Matthew Weiner’s decision effectively killed any chance that our eyeballs might catch a glimpse of The Hammaconda slithering into the shower. The role and subsequent sidepeen shower scene of course went to Ben Affleck.
Dear Matthew Weiner: On behalf of penis enthusiasts everywhere, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. Aw, I’m sorry – I don’t mean that. You’ve given me so much joy (read: Don Draper saying “I love puppies” and Pete Campbell falling down the stairs), and a contract is a contract, so I can’t hate you for keeping Jon Hamm and his magnificent dick on set. But I am still very pissed that you took priceless spank bank material from the horny fappers and tappers of this world.
Here’s the first round draft pick for Nick Dunne walking through LAX last Friday: