March 20, 2013 / Posted by:

The Hammaconda is living the life. It gets to hang out Jon Hamm all the time, it gets to get hand hugged by Jon Hamm regularly, it gets to go shopping, it gets to go to Hawaii and most important of all it gets to do all of that while not being suffocated in a pair of tight white chonies. But the evil, huge peen-hating executives at AMC (stands for A Motherfucking Cockhater) want to change all that. They’re saying that Jon Hamm’s free falling crotch snake has become distracting and they want him to put on some panties. They just won’t let Jon Hamm’s big dick be great. Cock blocking bitches.

A source tells the NYDN that Don Draper’s pants have become a little more fitted this season, so there’s nowhere for the Hammaconda to hide. The source says that when they shot in Hawaii and Jon Hamm had to wear tiny shorts, his cervix-cracking peen really came out to play and it made the whole crew giggle. They also had to Photoshop his bulge away in all of the promo posters for the new season. The source went on to say this shit:

“This season takes place in the 1960s, where the pants are very tight and leave little to the imagination. Jon’s impressive anatomy is so distracting that they politely insisted on underwear. His privates are the inside joke. [He] knows what he’s got.”

When the NYDN asked Jon Hamm’s rep about this act of injustice against his big dick, they didn’t laugh and said that everybody needs to grow up and stop acting like 12-year-olds.

“It is ridiculous and not really funny at all. I’d appreciate you taking the high road and not resorting to something childish like this that’s been blogged about 1,000 times.”

Oh, please. I’m sure Jon Hamm’s rep has close-up pictures of the Hammaconda wallpapered on every wall of their powder room like the rest of us do. But really, AMC can try to tame Jon Hamm’s Mt. Everest bulge, but it’s not going to happen. They can bind it down, they can wrap a frozen condom around it and they can even show it a picture of Kim Kardashian’s chocha to make it scurry between Jon Hamm’s legs, but eventually it will rise above and be seen. What I’m saying is that Jon Hamm’s huge dick has outgrown Mad Men and needs its own show.

Or the executives of AMC can just give Jon’s schlong its own dressing room so it has somewhere to hang out while he’s shooting scenes. And yes, that’s your cue to put a sign that reads “The Hammaconda’s Dressing Room” above your mouth.

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