Category: Top Gun
Tom Cruise Says He Doesn’t Really Take Days Off And Is Only “Chillin” When He’s Doing Movie Promo
In the News That Will Surprise Nobody section, Tom Cruise claims he has no chill and is constantly working. “DUH!” said everyone who thinks Tom Cruise is a Scientology-made robot who runs on burning Thetans. We knew!
Open Post: Hosted By James Corden Doing “Top Gun” Flight Stunts With Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise is a man of many talents: he acts, he does his own stunts, he manifest his own zits, he can go a decade without seeing his daughter, and he flies planes. Like, those fast Top Gun planes. Because Tom was in Top Gun. In case you hadn’t heard, there’s a new Top Gun movie out and Paramount Pictures is hell bent on reminding us that Tom Cruise is a totally unproblematic movie star badass. So, on last night’s episode of The Late Late Show, Tom took James Corden to Top Gun training school and flew him around in fighter jets. Obviously, the sexual tension was off the charts.
Tom Cruise Arrived On The Red Carpet For The Premiere Of “Top Gun: Maverick” In A Helicopter
It took 36 years, but Tom Cruise has finally busted his Top Gun: Maverick nut all over the windshield of his F-14 Tomcat, which is probably why he had to fly onto the red carpet for yesterday’s premiere in a helicopter. Tom’s jizz is filled with thetens (that’s how he sheds them) which, if you’ve ever seen a mirror in a bathroom at a Scientology Center, you know are next to impossible to remove. So Tom’s Tomcat probably had to be decommissioned. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the four-hour-long red carpet extravaganza was held in San Diego aboard the USS Midway, a retired aircraft carrier. This means I can finally be honorably discharged, WITH DISTINCTION, for my tireless dedication to making up goof names for Top Gun 2: Secrets of The Bottom Drawer. And with that, I am out. May you have fair winds and following seas. I’ll take my 21-gun salute to go.
Lady Gaga Tells Berlin “Hold My Beer” With Her Single “Hold My Hand” For “Top Gun: Maverick”
It’s going to take more than Lady Gaga splayed out on the side of an airplane wearing dog tags getting her coochie rumbled by G-force to convince me that Top Gun: Maverick is ever going to actually come out. But it’s a start. Variety reports that Gaga is trying to give Berlin a run for their residuals with a “soaring rock tune with violins and guitar licks that harken back to the power ballads of the ’80s” called Hold My Hand. The single is out today, and Top Gun 2: Cockpit Cockfight is scheduled to premiere in theaters on May 27, but it was originally slated to open in July 2019, the same year Gaga won her Oscar for Shallow from A Star is Born. That means, even if Gaga doesn’t get any plumb dramatic roles this year, she’s going to be campaigning HARD. I fully expect Hold My Hand to be playing at every Krogers, Lucky’s, fireworks show, and Dental office in the country for the entirety of the summer.
The Release Dates For Both “Mission: Impossible 7” And “Top Gun: Maverick” Have Been Delayed Once Again
Well fuck me, I might be starting to feel sorry for the guy. Deadline reports that the release dates for Tom Cruise’s most special babies, Mission: Impossible 7 and Top Gun 2: Bottoming Out, have been delayed once again. Tom is busting his ass, sometimes almost literally, over and over and over again, for our entertainment and for what? So he can get his car stolen and be mistaken for Lil’ Kim? Why, it’s enough to put anybody off their curry, even Tommy Two Tikkas.
The Release Dates For “Top Gun: Maverick” And “A Quiet Place Part II” Have Been Corona-Delayed
That persistent, rat a tat tat sound you hear right now is Tom Cruise stomping his little Cha Cha heels in a rage over the news that the release date for Top Gun 2: What Could Go Wrong? has been postponed yet again, this time due to the coronavirus pandemic. If so many lives and livelihoods weren’t at stake, I’d give coronavirus a big wet kiss on the mouth for providing us with this small dose of schadenfreude during this difficult time. Top Gun: Maverick joins a slew of other movies, including the sequel to A Quiet Place, that are having to self-isolate from their scheduled theatrical release dates. According to The Wrap, Top Gun: Maverick’s Goose Is Cooked won’t be buzzing our towers until Christmas.