Approximately 35 milliseconds after Madge warbled out her tribute to Prince while dressed like Willy Wonka Goes To The Bordello at the Billboard Music Awards last month, BET released a shady tweet where they declared in so many words that their tribute to Prince would be better. They tweeted, “Yeah, we saw that. Don’t worry. We got you.” When they said, “We got you,” they must have meant that they were going to cover our eyeballs and fill our ear holes with so much Prince that we’d find ourselves shitting purple glitter afterward.
There were several Prince tributes during the BET Awards and everyone from Jennifer Hudson to Stevie Wonder to Janelle Monae to Erykah Badu to The Roots partook in one. You can watch all of the tributes here. But the biggest one came from one of Prince’s muses and collaborators Sheila E. While dressed like a member of a cult led by Mr. T, Sheila E. closed the BET Awards with a medley of The Purple One’s hits. Sheila E. drummed! Sheila E. danced! Sheila E. sang! And she did it all barefoot!
Sheila E. worked it so damn hard and sweat so much that I expected her to melt into a puddle on stage. I think I burned at least 1,000 calories just from watching her. The video of Sheila E.’s Prince tribute (with cameos from Mayte Garcia, Jerome Benton and a special purple guitar) auto-plays, so it’s after the cut.
“Why didn’t you design something like this for meeeeeee” is probably what Kanye West is going to whine into Riccardo Tisci’s ear tonight, because Riccardo Tisci designed this ass-less extravaganza for Madonna.
Anna Wintour would have had to throw another Met Gala tomorrow if Madge didn’t show up with her 57-year-old nalgitas and tits hanging out. Because it isn’t a Mess Gala until everyone’s eyes have eaten several servings of her butt dumplings. Madge’s ensemble was apparently made by Givenchy but it looks more like something from the Stevie Nicks collection for Frederick’s of Hollywood or a costume from a Games of Thrones porn parody. Never mind that fillers have warped Madge’s face into “Harpo, who dis woman?” territory, what really bothers me about her ensemble is that it doesn’t go with the damn theme. The theme is supposed to be technology and future, not medieval ho-wear or Illuminati sex dungeon mistress! Madge disappointed me by not showing up in nothing but a fiber optic thong and holographic nipple cozies.
And well, if Rocco Ritchie or any of Madge’s kids ever want to get some free crack, it’ll be pretty easy. All they have to do is go up to a dealer and say, “Can I get some crack?” When the dealer says, “Kid, you’re way too young for the bad shit,” they just have to show these pictures and say, “My mom wore this wreck to the Met Gala.” BOOM! The dealer will hand over their entire supply and it’ll be on the house.
I would’ve said, “Why is this a thing that is still happening in 2016?“, out loud while watching the MTV Movie Awards last night, but it was impossible to speak words with my mouth permanently attached to the bong that was helping me get through that mess. That question danced between the weed clouds in my head as I watched that trailer showcase (they showed like 10 million movie trailers) masquerading as a dumb award show. I finally got my answer to that question at the very end of that shit show when Swedish Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Alexander Skarsgard strutted onto the stage wearing the same ensemble that the maître d’ at the cafe next to the bathhouse in the Scientology Centre wears.
As his lingonberries and Swedish blood sausage were stuffed into a pair of white man panties, ASkars presented the Best Movie award with his The Legend of Tarzan co-star Samuel L. Jackson. I’m not sure, but I think Star Whores: The Nerd Boners Awaken won that award. I wasn’t really paying attention, because all of my focus was on trying to find a peen print. You can’t tell from these pictures, but nearly every crotch in the audience shot out a jizz tsunami at the sight of ASkars in tighty-whities and the place flooded. ASkars and Samuel L. Jackson got stuck on the stage and had to be rescued by the Coast Guard.
This hot outfit almost makes up for the fact that ASkars wears soccer mom capris instead of a loincloth in that Tarzan shit. Hopefully, the marketing people behind Tarzan realized that this is the best way to sell that crap. I hope they keep it coming and as the July 1st release date gets closer, ASkars shows up to events in less and less clothes and eventually shows up to the premiere in this:
And here’s more pictures of ASkars in chonies. Is it just me or do those lightsabers look more erect than usual?
Pics: Getty, AP
In 2002, Canadian-American daffodil Pamela Anderson publicly said that she got Hep C from sharing a tattoo needle with Tommy Lee. (Tommy Lee smashed Pamela’s claims with his monster dick by saying that he didn’t give her Hep C and he doesn’t have Hep C.) Pamela told People in August that her doctors put her on a new FDA-approved drug regimen that rids the virus from a patient’s blood stream. I didn’t know that Hep C was curable, but the NYDN says that a patient is considered “cured” if no traces of the virus are found in their blood in the three to six months after they finished that drug regimen. Pamela said in August that the drugs weren’t giving her any side effects and she hoped she’d be Hep C-free in a month. On Saturday, Pamela screamed from the top of Instagram that Hep C has left her body and since she’s Pamela Anderson, she celebrated the news by gracing the eyes of her followers with a throwback picture of her bare ass on a boat.
I am CURED!!! – I just found out #nomorehepc #thankyou #blessing #family #prayer #live I pray anyone living with Hep C can qualify or afford treatment. It will be more available soon. I know treatment is hard to get still…#dontlosehope #itworkedforme #thereisacure #love #happy #americanliverfoundation #celebration #Idontknowwhattodo #iwanttohelp #cannes #iloveboats #onthesea #free
Now that Pamela Anderson is free of Hep C, she can work on curing herself of committing first-degree hashtag abuse.
Sure, Pamela Anderson would celebrate ANYTHING by posting a naked ass picture of herself. If she found that sock she thought she lost in the dryer, she’d celebrate by posting a naked picture. If she got a coupon for the medium-point Sharpie pens she uses to paint on her exquisite eyebrow situation, she’d celebrate by posting a naked picture. But there’s really no other way to celebrate getting rid of the sicks than by posting a picture of your naked ass. I’ve been bitching about allergies screwing with me and it seems like they finally left me (for now), so I was going to take a tip from Pammy by tweeting a celebratory naked picture of me with the hashtags #nomorehives #thankyouclaritin. But I know that picture would induce heaves in a major way and I don’t want everyone suing me for making them use all their sick days.
With just a few words, Tom Hiddleston has guaranteed that his movie Crimson Peak will make at least $500 million in its opening weekend, because his horny fans will pay to see multiple showings so they can experience multiple genital squirts while seeing his blown-up ass cheeks on an IMAX (more like clIMAX) screen. While promoting Crimson Peak during an interview with E!, Tom said that his porcelain peaks make an appearance in the movie, because lady nipples show up in movies all the time and he feels like it’s time to balance it out with more man parts.
“It’s so often in movies that women are more naked than men and that’s unfair. We wanted to sort of redress the balance. I didn’t have a problem with the nakedness because I felt that there’s always been a strain of sexuality in Gothic romance as much as there has been the fear of death and the threat of violence. It’s a very violent film and I felt like we needed to balance that. So if we’re going to bring up the violence we needed to bring up the sense of sexuality.”
I’m with Tom and I’m all for his “More Naked Dudes” movement, but just showing his ass isn’t going to balance things. Millions of movies have servings of man ass in it. I’ll just name a few (just a few): Showgirls, Magic Mike, Magic Mike XXL, Shame, Troy, The Terminator, American Gigolo, Demolition Man, Love and Other Drugs, American Psycho, In The Cut, Friends with Benefits, The Wolf of Wall Street, The Full Monty, Die Hard 2, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Lethal Weapon, Blue Velvet and Starship Troopers.
And that’s just what’s in my head. That’s not even 1/4th of what’s in the file folder on my desktop titled “Man Ass In Movies.” So if Tom really wants to be at the forefront of equality, he needs to show his rock hard peen under bright lights and in front of a 3D camera. Do it, Tom! Do it for feminism!
And here’s Tom with Luke Evans and a lubed-up Sienna Miller at the premiere and photo call for his other new movie High Rise at the San Sebastian International Film Festival in Spain.
And apologies if you wanted to miss this.
Because I have wonderful timing, I’m following up a post about a child porn investigation with a picture of Justin Bieber flashing his Baby Alive ass cheeks on Instagram. The Biebs must have been sick and tired of watching Chelsea Handler and Chrissy Teigen get all the attention for putting their parts on display on Instagram, because last night he made all the crazed Beliebers scream, “I’ve got the maple syrup,” when he posted a picture of his bare Canadian pancakes on a yacht somewhere. That picture is a cross between a still out of a gay porn parody of Lost and a still out of a gay porn parody of Fantasy Island starring that tattooed twink as Tattoo. If that mountain had a mouth it would be laughing. Or maybe it’s a Belieber and if that’s the case, its nasty ass would be drooling.
Like with most things, I consulted my life adviser and spiritual guide Jackée Harry after seeing this picture last night. I checked her Twitter to see her thoughts about the Biebs’ hairless beaver ass. I immediately searched for a SideEyeFromMary.GIF to throw at her when I read this tweet from her: “@justinbieber looks FYNE, doesn’t he?! But wait.. #AgeCheck.” The thirst is a very real epidemic when Sandra is licking her lips over Justin Bieber’s ass.
If your eyeballs really need a serving of the Biebs’ butt, the un-Usher’d pic is after the cut. As always, the Biebs’ sassy Jesus calf tattoo says it all. I’m really disappointed that nobody pushed the Biebs into that ocean when they had the chance.