At long last, the teaser trailer for Elizabeth Banks’ Charlie’s Angels reboot is here. And based off the two minutes and 53 seconds of trailer we got, it sadly looks like they only got about 10% of the disguises budget from the Cameron Diaz/Drew Barrymore/Lucy Liu films.
Lana Del Rey (government name: Elizabeth Woolridge Grant) grew up in an upper middle class family in Lake Placid, NY and went to a prep school in Connecticut. But I guess those prep school kids were an extra kind of hard and taught little Lizzie how to hide razors in her hair, Crisco up her face, and knuckle a bitch in the face, because she’s obviously confident enough in her fighting skills to invite a trick over for a bona fide ass whoopin. Former rapper turned full-time shit talker (which is what I put on my tax returns next to occupation) Azealia Banks got one of those invitations after trash talking Lana on Twitter.
Kanye West is wearing a MAGA hat. Taylor Swift is twisting Republican chonies. Lady Gaga is a Best Actress Oscar front-runner. And now Lana Del Rey is threatening to go all Bad Girls Club on Azealia Banks? I don’t know what kind of backwards foolery dust is in the air, but can some fly up into the nose of Alexander Skarsgard and move him to show up at my apartment the next time I go fishing for some anonymous fuck and dump action on Grindr?
There weren’t a lot of thruples on the red carpet at the Met Gala last night. But that’s ok, you only need one when that one thrupple is as extra as Jared Leto, Lana Del Rey and Alessandro Michele, the creative director at Gucci. I feel like there’s a long hair in my mouth, Yuck. I actually feel like I have hairs all over me now. Shit!
But of course this could only be Lady Gaga. While others might think, “You know, maybe this year I’ll walk up the red carpet in a piece that makes it looks like I’m trying to cover up all the hair I lost after leaving my at-home highlighting kit on for too long,” Lady Gaga goes out and does it. She tells her stylist to make her look like a 73-year-old balding hippie who refuses to face the music about their hair situation, and she wears it with pride! As for her outfit, well that’s another story all together.
Back in February, somnolent songstress Lana Del Rey posted a cryptic message on Twitter with some dates and the message “ingredients can b found online.” Internet detectives quickly cracked the code and deducted that Lana was referencing a mass binding spell meant to prevent Donald Trump from doing harm. Some of you hags out there must have mixed up your eye of newt with your pubes of a virgin unicorn, because that shit clearly didn’t work.
Detective LaToya doesn’t have shit on me! I came out of my mom wearing an afterbirth-splattered deerstalker cap and clutching a magnifying glass in my (still) pudgy little fist! Rihanna pulled out of a headlining gig with Lollapalooza Colombia because she doesn’t want to catch the no-joke Zika virus. Here’s two and then another two and I’m putting them together because she is obviously knocked up! Pregnant women who catch Zika can give birth to babies with serious birth defects. DO I NEED TO ADD ANOTHER TWO HERE?!?
It’s a sad day for the people of Colombia with Lollapalooza tickets. Rihanna’s pulling out caused them to cancel the entire festival. This is despite other scheduled performers like Lana Del Rey, Disclosure, and the Chainsmokers. Lana just aimed her beach house bazooka at Rihanna’s private jet for effing with her money. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL RIHANNA’S BABY, LANA?
Of course, this is all total supposition. Zika is terrifying – pregnant or not. And I should admit that I didn’t even think about Rihanna’s actions suggesting a baby until I fully read Michael K‘s assignment to write about this and got to “knocked up???” in the parentheses at the end. Before that I assumed Rihanna was just using it as an excuse not to have to fly her ass down to South America. Because Tape nightclub isn’t in South America and the girl has been practically living there lately.
Who am I kidding? I’m no detective. If this were the Scooby Gang, I’d be somewhere between Daphne and Scrappy. *frown*