Category: Open Post

Open Post: Hosted By Subway’s Limited-Edition Footlong Cookies

December 2, 2022 / Posted by:

Everyone knows the sandwiches at Subway are absolutely subpar. They’re basically lettuce mountains with extra bread, a little bit of meat and a whisper of cheese. Yummy! However, their cookies are the best thing on the menu, which is ironic since they’re probably one of the unhealthiest things they have to offer(which is why they’re so delicious). And now Subway wants to fully capitalize on the fact their cookies are the real star by offering a whole footlong of sweetness with a new line of 12-inch cookies.

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Open Post: Hosted By The Ten Most Hated Christmas Candies In America

December 1, 2022 / Posted by:

Think Big Candy hasn’t gone too far? Think again. Let’s pretend for a minute that Christmas candy is a thing. Like, make-believe that Halloween candy and Christmas cookies don’t exist and the only seasonally dictated sweet treats that everyone agrees are essential mainstays and are talked about with eager anticipation is what The Takeout calls “Christmas candy.” Now name one. Yes! Candy canes are Christmas candy— good job, you! Now name ten. Not so easy now, is it? What if I asked you not only to name ten different kinds of Christmas candies but to be aware of enough unique Christmas candies to come up with a list of ten of America’s Most Hated. That’s what the indentured elfin workers at candy wholesaler CandyStore.com were forced to do in order to meet their first quarter quota. But at what cost? Countless elf families will be feeling the pinch this holiday just so you, the consumer, can be fooled into thinking that red, green, and white candy corn is a reviled Christmas tradition (#2 Most Hated) called “reindeer corn.

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Open Post: Hosted By Frederic The Extremely Particular Kitty

November 30, 2022 / Posted by:

BoingBoing reports that German cat photographer Nils Jacobi, aka @furryfritz, shared a disturbing TikTok of his ginger kitty, Frederic. In the video, poor Frederic stands in front of a bowl filled with tuna and looks up at his father expectantly as if to say, “Are you fuckin’ kidding me?” Sure, his bowl is full, but the tuna isn’t positioned properly! He can only eat it if it’s piled high! After eight truly excruciating seconds, neglectful Nils finally takes the hint, and fashions Frederic’s food into a pile with a spoon. Frederic immediately digs in, but he hasn’t forgotten his father’s failings. Especially after Nils added the shady caption: “Tell me your cat is spoiled without telling me your cat is spoiled.” Spoiled?! These are basic feline rights! Continue reading

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Open Post: Hosted By Matty Healy Of The 1975’s Mid-Concert Auto-Tuned Orders To Security To Assist An Endangered Fan

November 29, 2022 / Posted by:

The British synthy pop rock band The 1975’s frontman, Matty Healy, is known to be a bit ~quirky.~ Whether he’s sniffing Shawn Mendes’ chonies, sneakily smoking the good shit, or devouring raw meat on stage, his antics have somewhat become the band’s signature. But this time, Matty did something that’s much less deserving of a light eye-roll or the “hmmph” sound a mom makes when you try to explain him to her: while singing one of the band’s auto-tuned songs during one of the band’s recent tour stops, Matty spotted a fan in the crowd who seemed to be in danger so he commanded venue security to do their jobs and help–while he was still in auto-tune. The video has since gone viral on TikTok.

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Open Post: Hosted By Jennifer Lopez’ Next Album, Which Will Be An Ode To Ben Affleck Called “This Is Me… Now”

November 28, 2022 / Posted by:

Those of us not **sotto voce** On The JLo, might have been fooled into thinking Jennifer Lopez was up to something nefarious and dark-sided last week, like running for president when her Instagram account went dark and all traces of Ben Affleck were removed from her grid. But real ones probably knew that Jen was just clearing up space for the surplus of LOVE that’s flooded her basement since reuniting with Ben, the first and last (diamonds crossed!) love of her life. According to People, on Friday, JLo broke her visual silence to announce the title and theme of her upcoming 9th studio album. This is me… Now, an album dedicated to Ben, is a follow-up to her 2002 album This is me… Then, also an album dedicated to Ben. In return, Ben has dedicated no less than 10 minutes a week to posing for photos and making contractually obligated TikTok appearances. If these two crazy kids have learned anything about love and relationships in the past two decades, it’s the importance of sharing the burden and loving with equal passion!

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Open Post: Hosted By Elton The Diva Dog

November 27, 2022 / Posted by:

Who is the greatest diva of all? This is a question that has haunted man since Cher warbled her first note to Sonny Bono. Answers from Celine Dion to Simon Cowell to your cousin Brandy have been given, but no one has yet reached the ultimate heights of divadom…until now. The current crop of divas can’t hold a candle to the wind to Elton the golden retriever! Like most dogs, Elton loves a good walk but what sets him apart from the rest is his desire, nay…DEMAND to have his paws washed after every stroll through the park. Take notes, Mariah. This is how you diva!

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