Deadline has news that should surprise absolutely nobody except maybe an anti-masker. The Glastonbury Music Festival has been canceled for a second time due to–YOU GUESSED IT!–coronavirus. Listen, the only celebrities you could get to even do a music festival right now would be bad ones. Do you want to see Bow Wow and Vanilla Ice headlining with smaller shows put on by some random shitwad influencer/rapper from Tik Tok? Come on now.
Are you going to the Glastonbury Festival this weekend in Somerset, England, this weekend? Do you want to watch two huge stars tease the audience with the implication they might be fucking while mud creeps into your wellies? Well you may be in luck, because there’s a chance Lady Gaga will bring recently-single Bradley Cooper on stage with her.
Nobody puts Janet Jackson in a corner unless it means she’s the first mention of a long-ass list of music acts for the UK’s version of Coachella. It’s that time of year when all your insufferable friends post to Instagram of the music fests they’re buying tickets to in order to wear coochie cutters. The Glastonbury lineup was released, and The Killers and The Cure are the leading headliners followed by Stormzy, Kylie Minogue (going by her first name only just to rub it in Kyie Jenner’s failed legal action face), and THEN Janet Jackson. I’m sure Janet can handle playing caboose to Kylie but not those others! She released her own poster, and it brings Miss Nasty to first place.
Kanye West headlined the Glastonbury Festival on Saturday night, and British comedian Simon Brodkin bum-rushed the show as his “Lee Nelson” character. Instead of realizing he’s had this coming for a long time and playing along, Kanye acted like a gaping asshole. Which is not a character. He had security yank Brodkin away. He also demanded that the guy backstage who pushes the play button press pause so he could start “Black Skinhead” over again. Cut to a Scientology-approved yert in which Beck is nodding approvingly. Then cut over to Karlie Kloss’ hotel room where Taylor Swift is French-braiding Karlie’s hair and beginning every sentence with “Imma let you finish but Lee Nelson had…” before tee-hee-heeing.
“Lee Nelson” mimed that he was rapping during his brief appearance and those mere seconds were better than any performance that Kanye has ever given. There was more life, more soul, more spirit in Mr. Brodkin’s actions than in anything Kanye has ever done. Kanye realized this. Seeking validation, he later informed the crowd that they were “watching the greatest living rock star on the planet!” The definition of humble:
Glastonbury was equally problematic for Kim Kardashian West. Some resourceful youngster in the crowd made a flag depicting Kim Kardashian sucking off Ray J.
Finally! That sex tape that ruined all of our lives is useful.
Check out Kuntye and wife boarding a helicopter for the festival: