Whimsical word witch Taylor Swift is currently shaking her tail feather on a lucrative world tour set to catapult her bank account further into the multimillions, especially since she’s just announced that her Eras tour is going to Latin America. And while Taylor is patiently awaiting the songs of heartbreak she’ll create after her latest relationship turns to shit, Taylor has something else to celebrate as well. Forbes magazine recently released its America’s Richest Self-Made Women issue, and Taylor finds herself nestled in with the usual suspects Rihanna, Beyoncé, and Oprah Winfrey. And Taylor’s placement not only solidifies her reign as the Empress of Emotions. It also places her high above on the list.
Every year Forbes magazine reminds us we’re poor by listing the world’s richest richies. And Rihanna is probably weirded out again today because she’s probably getting a lot of “congratulations for being so rich” texts since she made Forbes’ billionaires list for the first time. Other names include Kim Kardashian, directors Tyler Perry and Peter Jackson, Oprah Winfrey, and Kanye West. But of course, since this is Ye we’re talking about you know he had something to say about his ranking.
We can now add Rihanna’s name right there next to Mackenzie Scott’s on the top of the very short list of Billionaires to Spare when the revolution comes. Forbes has gone through an entire box of #10 security envelopes scribbling out their dubious math equations and decided that Robyn Fenty is officially a billionaire. Forbes estimates Rihanna is worth about $1.7 billion dollars, that’s approximately 2.5 Kanyes at today’s current exchange rate. You can argue with the math, but you can’t argue with the facts. Rihanna is priceless, so it stands to reason that by comparison Kanye is, simply put, worth less.
Last year, Kanye West did what Kanye West has been known to do, which is to say he made an outlandish, braggy, attention-grabby “needs verification” type of statement, this time specifically about his wife’s net worth. Kanye congratulated Kim Kardashian on becoming a billionaire. Even though, technically, it allegedly wasn’t a true statement. At the time, the math showed that only Kim’s business was valued at a billion dollars, not Kim herself. Well, Forbes recently did some math, and they are saying that Kim has caught up to her company, and she too is a billionaire now.
This is our fault. We did this to ourselves. At some point we’re going to have to take responsibility for ourselves as a country and accept the premise that it is, in fact, a shit hole ruled by oligarchs, grifters, charlatans, and DJs with Marshmello heads, and hopefully, commit to making the changes necessary to rectify that. Otherwise, all is lost. Even if Forbes’ Celebrity 100: The World’s Highest Paid Celebrities list is a dubious distinction, we have to admit that even if their formula is about as scientifically sound as the teachings of Dianetics, it does say a lot about what we value as a culture. And right now it’s saying we value Kylie Jenner the most. She earned $560 million. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but 2020 will do strange things to a person—Taylor Swift was ROBBED! Last year’s #1 dropped to #25 ($63.5M) and Kanye West scooted into Kylie’s former #2 slot with $170M.
In some much-needed “IF ONLY” news, one of the members of the Kardashian Koven might be headed for the Klink (okay, not likely, but I can dream). Following up on the news that alleged successful person, Kylie Jenner, is probably a huge liar who may have faked her way onto Forbes Billionaire list with the help of her family, there is now talk that Pimp Mama Kris’ biggest moneymaker could soon be threatened with a criminal investigation for exaggerating the value of Kylie Cosmetics.