This is our fault. We did this to ourselves. At some point we’re going to have to take responsibility for ourselves as a country and accept the premise that it is, in fact, a shit hole ruled by oligarchs, grifters, charlatans, and DJs with Marshmello heads, and hopefully, commit to making the changes necessary to rectify that. Otherwise, all is lost. Even if Forbes’ Celebrity 100: The World’s Highest Paid Celebrities list is a dubious distinction, we have to admit that even if their formula is about as scientifically sound as the teachings of Dianetics, it does say a lot about what we value as a culture. And right now it’s saying we value Kylie Jenner the most. She earned $560 million. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but 2020 will do strange things to a person—Taylor Swift was ROBBED! Last year’s #1 dropped to #25 ($63.5M) and Kanye West scooted into Kylie’s former #2 slot with $170M.
In some much-needed “IF ONLY” news, one of the members of the Kardashian Koven might be headed for the Klink (okay, not likely, but I can dream). Following up on the news that alleged successful person, Kylie Jenner, is probably a huge liar who may have faked her way onto Forbes Billionaire list with the help of her family, there is now talk that Pimp Mama Kris’ biggest moneymaker could soon be threatened with a criminal investigation for exaggerating the value of Kylie Cosmetics.
Well guys, I’m devastated to report that everything we thought we knew about Kylie Jenner was a lie. While the information I’m about to impart to you may SHOCK YOU TO YOUR CORE, if we are to move forward together, it is important that we do so with clear-headed knowledge and the unvarnished truth. Here we go. Kylie Jenner is not, I repeat not, a billionaire. Don’t take my repetition to mean she’s not not a billionaire like Lana Del Rey is not not a feminist. Kylie is not not not a billionaire. According to Forbes, the very outlet responsible for fabricating this appalling fallacy, Kylie tricked them! I’ll give you a moment to recover before we move forward into uncharted territory.
I guess Forbes forgot about every single suspicious eyebrow that was raised last year when they named Kylie Jenner, child of wealth and fame, the world’s youngest self-made billionaire. It was the day we all realized the sad truth that not one poor soul at Forbes had access to a dictionary. After first defending the choice, Kylie came around and acknowledged that she’s made her own money, but isn’t exactly self-made. But Forbes still put her at the top again of this year’s list of the world’s youngest billionaires.
Remember when YouTube was just that place where you watched Andy Samberg’s “Lazy Sunday” and local news reporters falling out of giant vats of grapes? Well, that was nearly a decade and a half ago, and now YouTube is a place where you can make millions and millions of dollars. Just so long as you also have millions and millions of followers. Forbes recently released their list of the highest earning YouTube stars, and it’s going to make you wish you were born in this decade to parents with zero regard to your privacy or child labor laws. Because the richest person on YouTube is a child that films videos of them opening toys.
After two whole years languishing – suffering, even! – in the number two spot, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is back at the top of Forbes’ annual list of the highest-paid actors. Now someone else can be the roody-poo candy ass number two, and that someone is Chris Hemsworth. Hang your head (and bank account) in shame, hottest Hemsworth brother.