Category: Eat The Rich

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here: Kylie Jenner Tops Forbes’ Celebrity 100 List For 2020.

September 1, 2020 / Posted by:

This is our fault. We did this to ourselves. At some point we’re going to have to take responsibility for ourselves as a country and accept the premise that it is, in fact, a shit hole ruled by oligarchs, grifters, charlatans, and DJs with Marshmello heads, and hopefully, commit to making the changes necessary to rectify that. Otherwise, all is lost. Even if Forbes’ Celebrity 100: The World’s Highest Paid Celebrities list is a dubious distinction, we have to admit that even if their formula is about as scientifically sound as the teachings of Dianetics, it does say a lot about what we value as a culture. And right now it’s saying we value Kylie Jenner the most. She earned $560 million. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but 2020 will do strange things to a person—Taylor Swift was ROBBED! Last year’s #1 dropped to #25 ($63.5M) and Kanye West scooted into Kylie’s former #2 slot with $170M.

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Thanks To The Coronavirus, Jeff Bezos Is On Track To Becoming The World’s First Trillionare

May 14, 2020 / Posted by:

The last thing we need to see right now is another billionaire profiting off a deadly human health crisis. Luckily for current richest man in the world Jeff Bezos, he won’t have to worry about being one of those for much longer. According to The New York Post, Jeff is on track to becoming the world’s first trillionaire whose dick pics got passed around by his girlfriend’s brother. But also just the world’s first trillionaire period. Why it’s almost enough to make me consider canceling my order for that just for Zoom-funsies wig from the Dolly Parton collection that I ordered on Amazon.

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Drake Sleeps On A $395,000 Mattress

April 23, 2020 / Posted by:

Earlier this month, Architectural Digest gave us a peek inside Drake’s gaudy 50,000 square foot mega-mansion in Toronto, a treat usually reserved only for Drake’s closest sycophants and groupies. There was a 4,000 lb black marble tub, a skull-painted piano, gold walls, a basketball court, a custom-made hallway filled with priceless sports jerseys (see above). One other thing AD mentioned was that Drake had, in his 3,200 square foot master suite, a one-ton bed that, “cost more than many people’s entire homes.” I wondered what a one-ton bed worth hundreds of thousands of dollars could possibly look like. Well, Complex did the research, and they’ve found what Drake’s bed looks like.

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Jeff Bezos Bought Two Beverly Hills Properties For A Total Of $255 Million

February 13, 2020 / Posted by:

Because every billionaire overlord needs a billionaire overlord compound to plan his world takeover in, Jeff Bezos has spread his cheeks and farted out a paltry $255 million to buy two massive properties in Beverly Hills. As Amazon’s accountants send the IRS a check of $0 in corporate taxes and Amazon workers slave away, Jeff Bezos will skip through his new Beverly Hills mansion while deciding which one of his many bidets will get the honor of licking his ass like it’s Sandra Lee’s ex. The Wall Street Journal reports that the emperor of America’s favorite brand has broken the California real estate record by buying the Jack Warner Estate in Beverly Hills. And because most of us haven’t seen just how big Jeff’s alleged big dick is, he had to show us by buying the place next-door too. It’s like the billionaire version of an Amazon add-on item.

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Jeff Bezos “Earned” Over $13 Billion In Under 15 Minutes

January 31, 2020 / Posted by:

Because you, the average person, are too lazy to actually take your ass to Target, Jeff Bezos just became $13.2 billion richer than he already was. Congratulations, you just paid for Lauren Sanchezspa treatments for a year! Ok, maybe 6 months, but seriously get a grip. You’re an adult. Do you have a crush on your Amazon Prime driver or something?

According to Bloomberg (the news org, not the other billionaire, at least not directly), Amazon stock surged yesterday, netting Jeff $13.2 billion in as much time as it takes for you to find anything on Prime Video using their crappy search function. Seriously, how is Netflix the only streaming service with a user friendly interface?!

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Sharon Osbourne Made An Assistant Go Into Her Burning House To Save Her Artwork, And Then Fired Him 

December 30, 2019 / Posted by:

You know those stories or jokes that are better only told to certain people? The ones which should be avoided in public or proper company because anyone without the exact same sense of humor as you or taste in bullshit will absolutely take offense? Sharon Osbourne does. Now. After telling a story on the Christmas special of the BBC show Would I Lie To You?, Sharon is going to be thinking twice about what is and isn’t a “cute” anecdote.

Did you know she once almost got an assistant killed in a fire and then fired them for not laughing about the whole thing? Sharon Osbourne doesn’t only look like a rejected Disney villain. She is one!

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