This is our fault. We did this to ourselves. At some point we’re going to have to take responsibility for ourselves as a country and accept the premise that it is, in fact, a shit hole ruled by oligarchs, grifters, charlatans, and DJs with Marshmello heads, and hopefully, commit to making the changes necessary to rectify that. Otherwise, all is lost. Even if Forbes’ Celebrity 100: The World’s Highest Paid Celebrities list is a dubious distinction, we have to admit that even if their formula is about as scientifically sound as the teachings of Dianetics, it does say a lot about what we value as a culture. And right now it’s saying we value Kylie Jenner the most. She earned $560 million. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but 2020 will do strange things to a person—Taylor Swift was ROBBED! Last year’s #1 dropped to #25 ($63.5M) and Kanye West scooted into Kylie’s former #2 slot with $170M.
I don’t know much about football, besides the fact that it can also be called soccer, and that if you want to gamble on football, your best sports betting resource used to be an octopus. But I also know some less-interesting football facts, like that one of the sport’s most famous players is Cristiano Ronaldo. And now I also know that Cristiano Ronaldo is the first football player to reach billionaire status. Whip out your loudest vuvuzela and celebrate! Go ahead and blow as loud as you can, I’m sure Cristiano can afford the best noise-canceling earplugs that money can buy.
Uncle Sam’s Spanish cousin is out with a vengeance, and cue up the Whoopi Goldberg “You in danger, girl” GIF for Shakira! Cristiano Ronaldo pled guilty today in Spanish court to tax fraud. He agreed to pony up nearly $22 million in fees and serve a two-year suspended jail sentence (aka no time behind bars). I’m mainly just here for the photos that look like only Crispy’s girlfriend, Georgina Rodriguez, realized they were there for a sentencing and not Madrid Fashion Week. Continue reading
Every four years people in North America ask themselves: “Why are so many foreigners flying their flags this week?” I’ll tell you, Dave: it’s the FIFA World Cup! The football (soccer) tournament brings out all the hot athletes who don’t throw things: including Cristiano Ronaldo, professional skin bronzer and soccer star extraordinaire.
This FIFA season apparently brought out the love in Cristiano, as The Mirror reports he decided to use this tournament to pop the question to his girlfriend and mother of his most recent child, Georgina Rodriguez. Love is in the air at the Russia World Cup! I mean, unless you’re gay.
The entire country of Portugal probably gasped until their lungs collapsed on Sunday when one of their most precious landmarks, Cristiano Ronaldo’s face, got kicked during a match. I don’t know how you say “NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!” in Portuguese, but I do know that Crispy probably internally screamed it so hard that it’s a miracle his head didn’t explode.
During a match between Crispy’s team Real Madrid and Deportivo La Coruña, he dove to the ground and was kicked in his most prized possession by player Fabian Schär. Crispy was laid out on the grass as he his bloodied up mug was checked out by medical professionals, and I’m sure he asked them, “Does my gorgeous face look like my bust now?” Crispy was able to get up and went full Crispy by immediately using his doctor’s phone to see if his beauty was still intact. People on Twitter laughed at Crispy’s ass for checking his face on a phone, but they shouldn’t have. This is serious! To Crispy, getting hit in the face by a beauty-hating cleat is probably the worst thing to ever happen to him.
Crispy is going to be okay, but he have a purple eye when he was papped during training yesterday. For Crispy’s sake, let’s hope his eye fully recovers and doesn’t affect his second favorite thing to do after staring at his beauty in the mirror. I’m talking about bulge-gazing!
Hot on the heels of the birth of his surrogate-carried twins, Cristiano Ronaldo’s fourth child has been born. I’m sure Cristiano was thrilled to be where the action was on the day of his latest child’s birth. But you know just a tiny part of his soul withered and died when they asked him to cover up his Ken doll hair situation with that deeply unsexy paper shower cap.
32-year-old Cristiano announced on Twitter that his 22-year-old girlfriend Georgina Rodriguez gave birth to a baby girl they named Alana Martina Ronaldo. Cristiano tweeted that mama and baby are doing well, and they’re all very happy. Yeah, especially Georgina. Cristiano isn’t just football rich; he’s got hush money money. In the event Georgina and Cristiano ever break up, she’s set for life. When she deposits her first child support check, the ATM will start flashing and shout: “GOAAAALLLLL.”
Baby Alana Martina joins Cristiano’s other kids, surrogate-carried 7-year-old son Cristiano Jr., and 5-month-old twins Eva and Mateo. Now Cristiano is but seven players away from his own football team. If he keeps at it, he’s going to have a whole team, plus substitutes, referees, and several ball boys by 2021.