Colton Underwood made history as the first lead of The Bachelor to come out as a big ol’ homosexual after the show ended. Colton ended up picking a winner, Cassie Randolph, and that ended with her taking out a restraining order against him for stalking her. Colton starred in a Netflix reality show about his coming out and is now engaged to political strategist Jordan C. Brown. While on Watch What Happens Live! this week, Colton told Andy Cohen that he doesn’t want to get a prenup with Jordan (smart if he’s the poorer one). Also during that episode, Colton revealed that he saw The Bachelor as a form of conversion therapy. I mean… it definitely is the straightest thing I can think of.
Last week former football player/virgin Bachelor disaster Colton Underwood announced his engagement to political strategist Jordan C. Brown. The two haven’t been dating a particularly long time; 30-year-old Colton only came out as gay last spring, and he and Jordan, 39, went Instagram-official at the end of 2021. But true love has no timeline. It also doesn’t have a prenup. Yep, the couple has no interest in signing a prenuptial agreement, because Colton says they’re “in it for the long haul.” Awww, that’s the kind of blind Christian optimism that inspires a closeted gay man to sign on to The Bachelor!
Full disclosure: up until five minutes ago, I thought Colton Underwood was the football player who came out as gay last year. I mean, technically he is, but I was thinking of Carl Nassib. Nope, Colton Underwood is the former football player and Bachelor star who came out as gay last year. He also starred in the recent Netflix reality show Coming Out Colton. And, um, his ex from The Bachelor, Cassie Randolph, got a restraining order against him for harassing and stalking her after their break up. Now Colton can add “fiancé” to his list of descriptors: over the weekend he got engaged to his boyfriend, Jordan C. Brown.
Several “Bachelor Nation” Alums Received Tens Of Thousands Of Dollars In PPP Loans During The Pandemic
Bachelor Nation cranks out like five to ten solid influencers a year across their shows The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor In Paradise. The hot-bodied twenty-somethings who go on that show aren’t even usually looking for love and are instead looking for a hotel or travel website to sponsor vacations where they wear rented designer merch and get to keep one piece of their choice valued under $500. The fucking dream! But then Coronavirus came along and made it “hard” for these reality messes turned influencers to travel and make money for doing absolutely nothing. TMZ says that some of the Bachelor folks dipped into PPP loans meant to help the needy! And no, Colton Underwood, being needy for attention does not count!
People says that former The Bachelor contestant Cassie Randolph has spoken about her ex, former Bachelor Colton Underwood, coming out as gay. Or did she? Because Cassie didn’t really say shit-all. Maybe she’s saving it for an emotionally charged and financially-monetized YouTube video? I mean she’s an influencer. How could she not?
Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap fats, femmes and Asians at a single bound! Look! Up in the sky! It’s Colton Underwood’s career post-coming out! In the time it took for me to finish my coffee and take a dump, Colton has already gone from newly out former Bachelor to a newly out Netflix reality star. According to Variety, the show is already in production and Olympic skier Gus Kenworthy “will appear in the series, acting as a guide.” Hopefully Gus can help Colton learn the right way to get someone’s attention without resorting to (alleged) stalking.