I guess all that making out with Shawn Mendes in front of the paparazzi really did a number on Camila Cabello‘s tongue dexterity because when she covered I’ll Be Home For Christmas last year, people were a bit confused by how she was pronouncing the holiday’s name as though she’s a toddler with a burnt tongue who just had dental surgery. Not one to shy from attention, Camila leaned in and poked fun at her own inability to say Christmas, getting over 2 million likes on TikTok.
Like a rooster announcing the morning, so too does Mariah Carey beckon in the coming Christmas every November 1st. Sadly for her, she won’t be able to do so with exclusive trademark rights to the title “Queen of Christmas” since the U.S. Trademark Trial and Appeal Board rejected Mariah’s prior request. Well, she can’t cash in as big as she wanted to, but at least Dolly Parton still thinks of Mariah as the Queen of Christmas!
Now that Mariah Carey has given us all the thumbs up to start our Christmas shopping, Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop have burped up their gift list. And since this is Goopy Paltrow we’re talking about, it’s, of course, filled with ridiculous shit, like a BDSM chair that costs as much as a Toyota Prius. But if you’re into masochism, save yourself the $28k and just read any article on Goop. Instant pain and cringe! Now, most people outside of Gwyneth’s tax bracket will be receiving well wishes and Dollar Tree greeting cards. But in her mind, inflation is just a four-letter word created to keep the unfortunate exempt from the luxury she’s accustomed to. And once you take a look at her list of suggested holiday items, you’ll wonder why Santa didn’t shove the gift of common sense into her stocking last year.
Thanks in no small part to her pervy little no-goodnick son Prince Andrew, THE QUEEN has had to eat a lot of shit lately. So maybe it’s a good thing that, despite her best attempts to preserve tradition and maintain some semblance of normalcy by keeping her annual pre-Christmas lunch on the books, CNN reports that it’s been canceled due to a surge in COVID-19 infections in the UK. It’s good news for her staff and it’s even better news for The Queen, whether she knows it or not. Because she can now skip the plate of poo-crumpets Andrew promised to bring her and can return that box from Harry & David that the Sussexes sent from America because I’m pretty sure that wasn’t really a “summer sausage” in there.
It’s that time of year where the weather is getting chillier, Mariah Carey is raking in the cash, and we’re starting to drown in the deluge of made-for-TV holiday movies. And who better to make our Christmases bright and gay than Lindsay Lohan! In case you missed this earth-shattering news, Lindsay is back from her self-appointed exile in Europe and Dubai (we could only stay lucky for so long) and is slated to star in Netflix’s holiday-themed movie, “Untitled Holiday Rom-Com!” Yeah, they still haven’t named the thing, so you know it’s going to be film excellence.
For the first time since 1978, rich people won’t descend on Calabasas to indulge in the wealth of the Kardashian Koven for Khristmas Eve. I know. Of all the tragedies to befall humanity recently, rich people NOT having a holiday party is truly the most relevant and saddest to hear about. Is there a GoFundMe yet?