Gwyneth Paltrow Has Unleashed Her GOOP Christmas Gift Guide, Featuring A $28,500 BDSM Chair
Now that Mariah Carey has given us all the thumbs up to start our Christmas shopping, Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop have burped up their gift list. And since this is Goopy Paltrow we’re talking about, it’s, of course, filled with ridiculous shit, like a BDSM chair that costs as much as a Toyota Prius. But if you’re into masochism, save yourself the $28k and just read any article on Goop. Instant pain and cringe! Now, most people outside of Gwyneth’s tax bracket will be receiving well wishes and Dollar Tree greeting cards. But in her mind, inflation is just a four-letter word created to keep the unfortunate exempt from the luxury she’s accustomed to. And once you take a look at her list of suggested holiday items, you’ll wonder why Santa didn’t shove the gift of common sense into her stocking last year.
The season of giving and not receiving must mean something different at Gwyenth’s house because she wants everyone to go into 2023 with debt and tears. And we already know she’s prone to ruining pockets with her line of ridiculously overpriced items on her GOOP website, but maybe if she used some of that money to pay her workers, people wouldn’t recognize her as the modern-day Ebenezer Scrooge. However, Page Six reports if you’re interested in her brand of bankruptcy, head on over to Goop’s guide, where you can purchase that sex chair and overpriced animal dung to counter the bullshit she’s spewing this festive holiday season.
Gwyneth Paltrow has once again revealed her present picks for the holiday season via Goop’s 2022 holiday gift guide — and from a $28,500 Kiki de Montparnasse sex chair (sorry, “boudoir chaise”) to a $420 Gucci pouch for your pup’s poop bags, there’s truly something for everyone on your list.
There’s also a NSFW guide for lovers, which features aphrodisiac uni ($120) and a Roy Lichtenstein nude ($99,950) in addition to the usual lingerie, vibrators and vagina candles ($75).
Ah, those damn coochie candles have made their rounds once again. Why sit by the fireplace roasting marshmallows when you can literally roast them outside of your home once it burst into flames due to malfunctioning?
Goop’s list is split up into several sections, including gifts under $100 and “The Ridiculous But Awesome Gift Guide” (translation: the list that Gwyneth’s friends and family better shop for her from or else!). It could also be titled The Fancy Shit List since it includes that Gucci dog poop bag holder, free-range compost, and neon toilet paper:
Goopy does it again, but as I mentioned above, there are also a few overpriced items you can purchase that won’t drain your bank account. According to GOOP’s website, not only can you turn over your mortgage payment for gifts nobody can afford (or actually wants), but there is also a list of items under $100 that will give every home a touch of Goopy goodness. These items include an asstray (not a typo) for your cigarette butts priced at $80. There are also Kama Sutra dinner napkins at $88 when you want a different set of lips to be wiped after a sumptuous feast.
And there’s also a granola tin for $75. Gwyneth darling, for $75, you can buy twenty sacks of granola at Walmart and flip it for three times the price during a holiday-themed church yard sale. This just goes to show that Gwyneth remains shameless in her approach and will be sleeping in heavenly peace while everyone else is scrounging up change to feed Tiny Tim and the rest of their brood. A true Bah Humbug from the patron saint of pretense. God bless us, one and all!
Pics: Goop