2020 has sucked a big one, but that hasn’t prevented legendary treasure Dolly Parton from spreading “Joy to the World!” She just announced she’ll be releasing a special Christmas album in early October called Holly Dolly Christmas. It’ll be her fourth holiday album, and her first since 1990’s Home for Christmas.
Horny baby boomer moms everyone will be delighted by the news that the lead single is a duet with Michael Bublé called “Cuddle Up, Cozy Down Christmas”. Other songs include“Holly Jolly Christmas”, “Christmas Is” (with Dolly’s goddaughter Miley Cyrus), “All I Want for Christmas Is You” (with Jimmy Fallon [?]), “Christmas Where We Are” (with Billy Ray Cyrus), “Pretty Paper” (with Willie Nelson, surely a rolling a joint reference?), “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”, and “You Are My Christmas” (with Dolly’s brother Randy Parton).
Christmas is about to get gayer than usual (although, not as gay as an episode of Glee, above), and especially gayer than it’s ever gotten on Hallmark Channel. The network known for its sappy, predictable, and abundant heterosexual romances, has chosen to expand its portfolio, and reports are coming out that the LGBTQ+ community is about to infest the holy Halls of Mark. This year’s Christmas lineup will finally include some LGTBQ-folks. Don’t worry gay-haters, I’m sure it will be the bare-minimum homosexual representation–like early-seasons Modern Family.
When I mention Christmas, what do you think of first? If you replied “Shitty holiday rom coms and copious amounts of alcohol to drown out my stupid family’s near-constant bickering”, then I’ve got some great news for you. The Hallmark Channel has announced a new Christmas-themed wine collection, designed as perfect pairings with all the quality cinema Hallmark churns out every year.
So far this “collection” consists of just two vintage wines, which, according to Us Weekly, “will undoubtedly put you in a festive mood from the first sip.” It fucking better, Us Weekly, or I’ll see your ass in court. To quote Jessica Mulroney, “Liable”. Continue reading
Darlene Love Is Mad That The Producers Of “Christmas At Rockefeller” Hired Someone Else To Sing Her Christmas Song
Rock and Roll Hall of Famer and all around musical legend Darlene Love has been dissed! Call your aunties, call your friends, call the authorities, call Patti LaBelle! This cannot stand! Darlene sang background vocals on dozens of hits in the ‘60s, was more recently featured in the documentary 20 Feet From Stardom, and was a staple on Late Night With David Letterman where she performed her holiday hit Christmas Baby, Please Come Home for decades. In a post on Facebook, Darlene called out Brad Lachman Productions for passing her over, yet again, for the chance to sing CBPCH on NBC‘s annual “Christmas at Rockefeller Center” special. Instead, she says they invited younger artists “who can’t even hit the notes properly and are off key” to sing her song. She’s livid. I’m livid. Everybody should be livid. And to those “younger artists” who just had their ass handed to them by Darlene, give thanks. You’ve just been Love’d!