Katy Perry Helped TLC Meet Their Kickstarter Goal Of $150,000

After only three days with their cups out, Chilli and T-Boz have panhandled enough Kickstarter cash to record the very last TLC album. That’s right, it only took three days for TLC fans to pony up $150,000, which goes to show you that there there are still rabid TLC fans in 2015 and the world is truly a crazy place. And according to TMZ, one of said rabid fans is none other than 90s-obsessed teenage goth girl woman Katy Perry. You’d think a band like TLC would be too mainstream for a low-budget Enid Coleslaw impersonator like Katy Perry, but maybe she did it to be ironic or something.

Katy apparently donated $5,000 to TLC’s Kickstarter campaign, and according to TLC’s list of donor rewards, that means Katy is entitled to either a TLC onesie, a slumber party in Atlanta with Chilli, or a slumber party in Los Angeles with T-Boz. I bet she’s going to take the onesie. Meanwhile, T-Boz and Chilli are crossing their fingers that she takes the slumber party, because they know Katy’s got the kind of cash that can rent something nicer than 3 hours at a Howard Johnson Express.

And Chilli and T-Boz managed to do the Kickstarter impossible – not only did they hit their goal in three days, but they also beat their goal by almost $24,000. That’s really great news, because that extra money means that when it comes time to design the album cover for this mess, they won’t have to hire the blind retoucher who Photoshopped Chilli’s PETA ad.

Here’s The Kickstarter Queens hosting a press conference with potential future Kickstarter users New Kids on the Block and a cardboard cut-out of Nelly:

Pics: Wenn.com

Lindsay Lohan Got A Job Shooting A Car Insurance Commercial

I think this may be the first time Lindsay Lohan will receive a check from an automotive insurance company that has nothing to do with an accident she caused. According to TMZ, the Apricot Ashtray is currently shooting a commercial for the Allstate’s online brother, Esurance. “Wait, didn’t we try to sue them before?” thought a confused wine-drunk Dina as she wakes up from underneath a pile of throw pillows on the couch. No Dina, that was E-Trade. Shhhh – go back to sleep.

TMZ says that Lindsay is shooting the commercial in Long Beach and they’re guessing that it might run during the Super Bowl. It could, but I like to imagine it will air at 3am between 1-900-SEX-CHAT commercials. Horny insomniacs are a very lucrative untapped market, and Lindsay Lohan’s sexy ashtray voice is perfect for saying lines like: “Do you want to chat with someone in your area about a car insurance quote? It’s free to call, and you’ll always be satisfied with the results. Call Esurance today – hot local representatives are standing by.”

And I guess this commercial is being filmed entirely in front of a green screen, since Lindsay Lohan can’t go within 10 feet of a car without the collision insurance skyrocketing to $4.3 million. Unless Esurance has a huge-ass budget for this thing, in which case they might even let her sit in the front seat with the keys in the ignition. And just like that, every vehicle in the Long Beach area just got very, very nervous.

Mimi Got A Job In Las Vegas

Upon realizing that she may no longer be the drowsiest lip synching polyester-haired goddess on the strip, Britney Spears just panicked and chugged a 64oz 7-11 Double Gulp cup filled with Frapp syrup and Cheetos. Stop worrying, Brit Brit, there’s enough room and clip-in hair for both of you!

In an interview that will air later today, effervescent human butterfly Mariah Carey broke the news to Ellen DeGeneres that she just signed a residency deal with Caesars Palace where she’ll do a show inspired by her album Number 1’s. If you’re wondering why your dog is currently freaking the fuck out, it’s because he’s reacting to the sound of the Lambs screaming at a register that can only be recognized by canine ears. Mimi is sort of taking over for legendary poutine chanteuse Celine Dion while she steps away for a bit to take care of her sick husband.

Speaking of super fans, she also surprised a couple by dressing up in a French maid costume and pretending to be Caesars Palace housekeeping. My favorite is the dude at the 2:05 who looks like me when I go to Red Lobster and discover that the Endless Shrimp special is still on:

Mimi doing a Vegas show is a great idea, because they’ve got the kind of budget that can make miracles happen. Mimi doesn’t even have to technically be there at every show; they can film her in front of a green screen back stage in between naps and project a hologram during her “performance”. And if they really need her out there, they can just stuff her sleeping body in a harness and fly her around the stage Cirque du Soleil-style. The Lamb’s eyes will be too busy weeping glitter-dusted tears to notice that anything is off.

Here’s more of Mimi looking like a top-shelf bottle of Spanxed-up sophistication while leaving Craig’s restaurant in L.A. last night:

Pics: Splash

It’s Official! The View Will Be Donald Trump’s Favorite Show Once Again!

TMZ says that Rosie O’Donnell has officially signed on to The View and next season she will check back into the crazy coop of insane pecking hens. ABC wants Rosie back, because they think she’ll rise The View out of the wet shit puddle of stupidity that Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd left. Rosie wants to go back to The View, because she misses making Donald Trump cream out of his b-hole with her opinion and she also needs the check so she can keep doing Lucifer’s work (read: buying more CROCs).

TMZ says that Rosie and ABC were negotiating for a few days and they finally shook hands on the deal yesterday. They’re supposed to make an announcement any second. So far Whoopi and Rosie are the only hos sitting at the table next season. The producers are looking for two more and they want a Latina (CAST CHARO!) and a conservative (CAST JAN CROUCH!).

I don’t know about this, Rosie on The View just isn’t going to be the same without that human version of a hyena’s shrill-cry Elisabeth Hasselcrack. Who is Rosie going to make cry? I hope they at least put a stuffed Hasselcrack doll next to Rosie so she can gnaw on its face and yell at it when she gets the rage.

And I’m sensing a theme….

Whoopi had a talk show in the 90s and Rosie O had a talk show in the 90s… I really hope the producers makes all my 90s dreams come true by filing The View with an all-star cast of lady hosts from 90s talk shows next season. Jenny Jones and Rolonda better crawl out from whatever rock they’ve been living under and call their agents (if they still have one of those)!

Tori Spelling And The Deaner Got Another Fake Reality Show

Well well well, what do we have here? If it isn’t The Deaner redefining raw sexuality YET AGAIN. Happy Belated Canada Day to me! Seeing The Deaner’s booze-bloated beer locker busting out of a pair of Carhart overalls makes me wanna put my hand over my heart and sing. Oh Canadaaaa….our home of beady-eyed traaaaash….

Tori Spelling, the poor little bleached camel with the heart of hardened silicone has decided to follow up her reality show about arguing with her loser bangaholic husband in therapy with a reality show about arguing with her loser bangaholic husband at a cottage. Damn Tori, SLOW DOWN! Bitch must think she’s filming the desperate fame whore version of The Amazing Race.

Radar says Tori & Dean: Cabin Fever was filmed last summer up in Ontario and will air on the Great American Country channel. So if you really want to see 13 episodes of Admiral Ackbar screeching at The Deaner to quit jerking it in the boathouse and start painting the Muskoka chairs, then call up your local cable provider and ask them to suspend your service, because you need to check into an insane asylum and don’t know when you’ll be let out.

Since the show takes place in Canada, the producers thought it would be fun to let The Deaner write the press release for it. BIG MISTAKE:

“Hey jabronis, you missed me? Here’s what’s crappenin’ with the ol’ Deaner – I got a job! And like a job-job, not a blow job or a hand job or that thing the chicks in the Valley are doing called a knee job. The Deaner realized that if he wanted to keep scoring primo tail he needs to be on television, so I got the wife to piece together some old footage of me bumming around up north at the cottage and sell it as a reality show. But don’t worry, they edited out the part where I gave that chick from the marina crabs. The Deaner don’t wanna cock block The Deaner, you know what I mean??”

The Fauxhemian Hippies Have Descended Upon Coachella

And that, my friends, is the exact face one should make when they’re in the presence of one of Pimp Mama Kris’s Krotch Droppings. “I don’t care how much we paid for admission, we need to leave. Now. Seeing one of the babies means that the mother isn’t far behind.”

Friday marked the kick-off of the world’s largest hipster costume party, the Coachella Jorts and Selfies Festival in Indio, CA, and I guess all those $20,000 cheques cleared, because celebrities have started swarming Coachella like rats to an open dumpster behind KFC. Now, technically Coachella doesn’t officially begin until the arrival of the First Lady of Fauxhemia, Vanessa Hudgens. But since it usually takes her hours, even days, to get ready (it takes time to dry hump the 70s), she usually let’s them go ahead and start without her.

I know we’re less than 24-hours into this weekend-long Urban Outfitters commercial, but already Aaron Paul has won my heart by embracing the true spirit of Coachella. It’s not about $200 custom jorts or having the longest gauzy vest or the widest hat; it’s about dancing like nobody’s watching while rolling hard on shrooms:

Either Aaron Paul is higher than Jesse Pinkman after snorting a pound of blue crystal meth, or he’s working hard for that $15,000. Either way, I’ll be right back: I need to pray to a giant piece of New Age quartz that there’s a video somewhere of Aaron Paul dancing to Ellie Goulding all by himself in a little circle, because I need that in my life.

Here’s more hookers clickety-clacking along the Coachella stroll on Friday, including Selena Gomez (sans King Joffrey Bieber), Marla Hooch and The Model One (that sounds like an 80s cop show: Hooch & The Model) Joe Jonas and his girlfriend Basic Bitch Blanda, a rotten leftover from the refrigerator of 2005 and her sister Nicky Hilton, and Kellan Lutz, who if I had to guess, got paid $200 and a voucher to a taco stand:

Pics: Splash, Wenn