A Perfect Cotton Candy Angel Like This Could Never Commit An Illegal Act

Jan Crouch is the First Lady of the Trinity Broadcasting Network, a Dlisted icon and the only Princess Lolly-haired, tarantula-eyed angel I pray to whenever I need reassurance that there’s no power like the power of Christian glamour. A stunning strawberry queef mess like Jan could never steal food out of a child’s hand (yes, she could and has) let alone take millions of dollars out of her Christian network to pay for her lavish lifestyle. But that’s exactly what Jan’s granddaughter is accusing her and her husband Paul Crouch of doing. I know, can you believe it? A Christian televangelist accused of using donations from their followers to buy wigs made of crushed pink diamond dust and lashes made from rare spider pubes. This NEVER happens!

The Telegraph reports that Jan’s 26-year-old granddaughter Brittany Koper is suing Trinity Broadcasting Network claiming that they wrongfully fired her as CFO after she discovered that her grandparents took out a “sham loan” to buy a $50 million jet, another $8 million jet for Jan’s personal use, 13 homes across the US and a $100,000 RV for Jan’s dogs. When Brittany told TBN that she knew about their financial schemes, they made her give an act of Christian contrition by turning over her house, life insurance policy and car to them. Brittany still went to the board with the shit she found out and a quick second after she did that, she was fired. Brittany claims that TBN also tried to take her husband down by accusing him of embezzling almost $1 million from the network. That accusation went nowhere.

A lawyer from TBN issued a statement saying that Brittany and her husband are causing a scandalous diversion to take away from the fact that they stole millions of dollars from the network:

“They’re attempting to create a diversion and to create as much public spectacle as they can in the vain hope that this will all get resolved, and that’s simply not going to happen.”

He said the Crouches travel by private jet because they have received “scores of death threats, more than the president of the United States.”

Their ministry keeps large amounts of cash in reserve because incurring debt goes against the Biblical instruction to “owe no man any thing,” he said.

He added: “The answer is, there is no fire there. They pay as they go and, every now and then, one of the things that they pay as they go on is the acquisition of a broadcast facility, and that’s a multi-million dollar transaction.”

TBN made over $92 million in donations alone in 2010.

Brittany Koper is not a CRIS-CHEN-UUUUUH!!!!! How dare that dark-sided, gargoyle heathen bitch accuse this pink tornado of spiritual exquisiteness of fraud! Yes, Jan Crouch swindled her followers out of their hard-earned cash by telling them she would use their money to feed the starving children of the world and instead used it to buy an $8 million private jet, but I’m sure they forgive her. They don’t expect a bubble gum flower like her to fly commercial! God doesn’t fly commercial, so neither should Jan Crouch!

Yes, most Christians believe that lying is a sin, but lying is not a sin when you’re doing so in order to buy a cotton candy machine to whip yourself up a gorgeous head of hair every morning. It says so in the Bible:

“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor unless you’re Jan Crouch and need to maintain your glamour.” Exodus 20:16