Clarissa Exposes It All

Well, as much as any of us want to see of Melissa Joan Hart, anyway. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think there are many people out there who are dying to fap to an image of Sabrina the Teenage Witch’s bare broomstick saddle. And yet I’m sure there’s probably a ton of gross Salem fanfic that exists? (Update: Yes. And please bring me some Pepto, I don’t feel well).

Melissa Joan Hart is the second former Dancing with the Stars contestant to announce this week that they’re currently dropping pounds and cashing cheques courtesy of a weight loss company. Melissa is currently on the Nutrisystem payroll and announced her 40-lb weight loss by posting this not-at-all photoshopped picture of her new bikini body to Instagram yesterday with the caption:

It’s not everyday I like to show a lot of skin but these days I’m feeling confidant. Thanks Nutrisystem! Look for my new commercial that begins airing April 21! And don’t miss me tomorrow on @GMA. You can ask me questions on twitter with #askMelissaGMA.

I have a question, Melissa: Why are your legs so fucking shimmery? You look like you’re wearing the weird pantyhose that Hooters girls wear (which is usually The Look, just not here). When she appeared on Good Morning America Wednesday morning, Clarissa explained why she’s all of a sudden turned into Leann Rimes 2.0:

“It’s the first time I’ve been able to wear a bikini in probably 10 years. I felt confident enough to wear a bikini because I lost 40lbs with Nutrisystem and I’ve been able to just keep going.”

These are the times I’m glad I’m a graduate of the prestigious Like I Give A Fuck Finishing School, because I wear whatever the fuck I want to the beach and don’t give a fuuuuuck. The beach is for getting drunk on cans of Bud Light Lime, “going swimming” =  pissing in the water, and writing HAG on your friend’s back in SPF-50 after they decide to take a nap. I say wear a bikini whenever you want to; ain’t nobody got time to judge tummy pooches, flat butts, and dude tits when they’re trying to roll a joint without getting sand in it.

Pic: Instagram

McDonalds Is Paying Vanessa Hudgens $15,000 To Hipster Around Coachella

In case you needed another reminder that you clearly fucked up in a past life and now are being punished, here’s some news that will make you shake your fist at the ceiling for a solid 5 minutes before spilling a lukewarm AriZona green tea all over your crotch and screaming “FUUUUCK YOUUUU” to the universe.  According to the NY Daily News, The Queen of Coachella Nü-Hippies, Vanessa Hudgens, is getting a fat greasy $15,000 cheque from McDonalds to attend the obnoxious annual denim cutoff convention in Indio, CA this weekend. Dear McDonalds: You’re dumb because you just paid Vanessa to do a job she would have done for free. Coachella is like her religion. Every night she gives double peace signs to the framed picture of Minnetonka booties hanging above her bed before praying on a floral headband rosary, beginning every prayer with “Our high-waisted jorts in Heaven, hallowed be thy fringe…”

And it’s not just Vanessa who’s cashing in on Coachella. Musical theatre bunion Lea Michele is being paid $20,000 from Lacoste and all she has to do is show up wearing a shirt with a gator on it. So when you see pictures of Lea Michele dressed as a tennis-paying yuppie sticking out like a sore thumb amidst a sea of fringed patchouli-scented coochie-cutters, you’ll know why.

But some celebrities aren’t as lucky as Vanessa and Lea (let’s come back to that sentence in 10 years and we can all have a good laugh). Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul is still waiting to hear back regarding his request for $15,000 and two VIP passes, Joe Jonas is looking for around $20,000 to appear (paid in cash or coke, he’s not picky), and Kate Bosworth – yes the Kate Bosworth who’s notoriety is limited to having two fucked-up eyes – is asking for $30,000.

It all sort of makes sense that they need to lure people to Coachella with clickety-clack sounds, because why the fuck would you go otherwise? Coachella is a hot sweaty mess in the middle of the desert that combines the stink of Burning Man with the experience of lining up for a change room at Urban Outfitters. I know, I lost me at ‘hot’ too!

Money Must Be Tight at Castle Goopskull, Because Chris Martin Has Joined The Voice As A Mentor

I know a check is a check, but a television talent competition? How gauche! I’m sure his wife Gwyneth Paltrow, the inventor of next-level elitism and snobbery, wouldn’t be too happy to hear about this. However she’s far too busy replacing all the air in her home with imported beluga breath, so we’ll have to tell her later.

According to E! Online, Chris Martin (seen here with Ace Ventura’s sleazy snatch-chasing younger brother) has signed on as a vocal coach and mentor on sixth season of NBCs The Voice. Martin joins a group of mentors that includes Jill Scott, The Band Perry, Miranda Lambert, and Aloe Blacc (that sounds like something Shailene Woodley buys in bulk). So, good news everyone who’s ever wanted to be mentored by the CD collection from your mom’s minivan console!

Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t it seem – how you say – beneath Chris Martin to appear on a television talent show, and not even a good one at that! I though the singing talent show hierarchy was as follows: WB Superstar USA, American Idol, The X Factor, America’s Got Talent, Making the Band, a show for talented singing cats that I’m assuming exists on Animal Planet, The Voice. And he’s only a mentor? That means he doesn’t even get a red chair! Although I doubt he’d actually want one; they’ve all tested positive for lead-based spackle, fibreglass hair, and antibiotic-resistant STDs.

Pic: NBC

Ruh Roh: Mariah Carey Maybe Kinda Performed For A Dictator Again

It’s 2011 all over again! These fucks need to learn that you have to do some research before you agree to perform in a country that you can’t even pick out on the Carmen Sandiego map. You know why I’ve never eaten at Del Taco or Yoshinoya? Because I do my research by Yelping that shit first; and when the first three reviews that come up sound like the strained moans of a haunted spirit, I know to stay away, no matter how good a deal $0.59 tacos sound. Celebrities need to start Yelping countries before they go to them to make sure they aren’t getting down with shady shit. Case in point…

According to The Guardian, on December 16th Mimi flew to Luanda (Hank Hill’s niece if she were from Houston instead of Arlen) to perform at a gala held to benefit the Angola Red Cross in exchange for $1M. As it turns out, Mariah’s paycheque can only be cashed at the Bank of Blood Money, because the gala was held by a father-daughter dictatorship duo:

Platina Line, a local entertainment website, published numerous photos from the events, showing Carey singing in a bikini top and a Santa Claus dress, as well as posing with Isabel dos Santos, president of the Angola Red Cross, and Dos Santos’s father, José Eduardo dos Santos.

But as the Human Rights Foundation has since pointed out, José Eduardo dos Santos is not just the parent of a minor African diplomat: he is Angola’s president, an autocrat who has governed the country since 1979. Isabel dos Santos – nicknamed “the princess” – is Africa’s richest woman and also a co-owner of Unitel. After studying in London, Isabel amassed a fortune of more than €1bn (£835,000) – in part, critics say, from the fruits of government corruption. Meanwhile, the majority of Angolans live on less than $2 a day.

The article also mentions the total raised for the Angola Red Cross that night. Drumroll please…$65,000! Spending $1M to make $65,000?  Now, I’m no bueno at math, but something in the milk ain’t clean here.

I know a cheque is a cheque, but Mimi is taking whatever is thrown at her without realizing it could be soaked in the tears of oppression (I’m so deep). All she has to do is call up any human rights organization and ask for the 411 on a certain country and they’ll give you the thumbs up or the thumbs down, and she can collect that cash. You can’t do this alone, Mimi! You’re not smart enough to make these decisions! Fuck, you’re barely smart enough to make good decisions when it comes to what you’ll wear on stage.

(Pic via Facebook)

Why Does God Let Bad Things Happen To Good Movies?

Here’s some news that will take your day from bad to worse (or maybe just bad to meh). Variety is confirming your suspicion that Hollywood is run by Satan, a sick monkey at an old iMac, and a half-eaten turkey sandwich, because they’ve announced that the next franchise to be desecrated with a reboot is The Naked Gun starring Ed Helms. Roger Ebert and Leslie Nielsen just gave this idea 4 thumbs down from Heaven (“When you only see two thumbs up, it is then that I rated a movie for you” – Jesus):

Detective Frank Drebin is coming back with Ed Helms on board to portray Leslie Nielsen’s character in Paramount’s reboot of “The Naked Gun” comedy franchise.

The studio has tapped the scripting team of Thomas Lennon and R. Ben Garant — best known for the “Night at the Museum” and “Reno 911″ franchises, to write the screenplay as a new spin on the Drebin character.

Helms starred in The Hangover trilogy and We’re the Millers and recently recently wrapped Stretch opposite Chris Pine and Patrick Wilson.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Surely they can’t be serious (“don’t call me Shirley”). I KNOW that line is from a different Leslie Nielsen movie, but cut me a break, I’m fucking devastated here! I’d be the first to donate a kidney to anyone from Reno 911! but have any of you seen Night at the Museum 2? That’s not what you lead with when you’re trying to convince people you’re not about to burn a classic comedy franchise to the ground and pee-pee on the ashes. They should have just said “Reno 911! was great, right? You want another movie from those guys?” and then just left it ambiguous so that film dorks like me don’t take to the internet and rage (oh, the irony).

And you’re on watch, Variety copywriter; you can throw around words like Sundance and Patrick Wilson all you want, but it won’t change my mind that this movie is going to be a bigger disaster than letting a pilled-up Anna Nicole present at the Billboard Awards (No no, that joke makes sense; she was in Naked Gun 33⅓. Look, it was that or an OJ Simpson joke, and telling an OJ joke on Friday the 13th is bad juju).

Someone Needs To Tell Kate Gosselin To Stop

Kate Gosselin hasn’t been completely useless in her tenure as a ball-busting shrew who will sacrifice anything to remain in the spotlight for a few more seconds. She’s provided many a TV watcher stress release in the form of chucking anything handy- remote control, lightweight toddler, vodka bottle (empty of course, let’s not get carried away)- at their screens. Her porcupine-flattened-on-the-side-of-the-road hairstyle that debuted in 2007 gave scrapbooking housewives everywhere more pages to hustle right by when showing off photo albums to friends and neighbors who could not give less of a crap, along with the off-shoulder, puffed sleeve wedding dress and straight legged acid wash Jordache jeans with the 14″ long zipper.

Kate’s latest contribution to the You’re Still Here? files is a cookbook titled “Kate Gosselin’s Love Is in the Mix: Making Meals into Memories”. Recipes include “Stewed Jon Balls”, “Slow Cooked Children’s Spirit Smothered In Crushed Dreams” and “Sugar Cookies Everyone In Group Therapy Is Going To Love”. Fine, that’s a fat lie but I wish.

Kate is being accused of cranking out a book filled with unhealthy recipes anybody with a can opener and a third grade reading level could pull off while tripping balls, as long as they had a hot plate and Jesus on their side. The recipes are getting more shade than a midget sitting in a forest for being basic as fuck, high in sodium and filled with about as much love as a $10 hand job in a gas station parking lot. Take it away, Amazon reviewers:

“Then we have recipes for applesauce, broccoli, hamburgers and boxed macaroni and cheese with tuna and peas! As someone had commented to me earlier it is no better than a dorm room cookbook.”

“Some pictures don’t match recipe. I’m not sure why this was even published.”

“Not very appealing or healthy. I now understand why there is a disclaimer when you first open the book.”

“My daughter and daughter-in-law would shoot me if I fed their children most of these recipes.”

“This forced me to enter a star but the book does not deserve even one star. All she does is open cans and dump the contents.”

“Kate Gosselin has no more business putting out a cookbook than she does putting out a how to keep your man happy self help book!”

The Daily Mail says the book was ranked 10,039 on Amazon’s bestsellers list on Sunday, and also mentioned a sudden jump in positive reviews in the last few days. It must have been a busy weekend at the Gosselin household with Kate standing behind the kids, smacking a ruler on her hand and screaming, “NO. NEGATIVE. REVIEWS. EVER!!!’ while they each type from a script.